Happy Halloween

No costumes for Mummy & Daddy this year.
I'm sure one day Davis will thank us for that.

This year Davis dressed up like a lightening bug. So far it's proven difficult to get a good shot. Black net wings, green blinking tail lights AND little antennae. You can get one maybe two, but all three?
No way.
Or maybe I should say, not yet.

So this will have to do for now...

WHY?

My week started out with a miracle being born. Faith restored.

Today I found out one of the models that we work with a lot gave birth to her baby at 18 weeks. She got an infection and her water broke and her baby was born perfect but too teeny to live. This was another baby that had been wanted & waited for years...I just don't understand it. It feels so mean. I find myself aksing WHY? WHY? WHY? over and over.

I spoke with her on the phone and she is in the surreal state of shock where you just feel like this is all a nightmare that you will surely wake from...even while you are planning a funeral...even while your milk comes in and there is no baby to feed...even when you wake up in the night and feel relief for one second and then wake a bit more and realize that no, it wasn't a nightmare, it really did happen.

She told me the story of what happened down to every last detail. I remember doing this too. Every time I told someone I was hoping somewhere in the telling of every detail of what I drank, ate, felt that day, there would be an answer to WHY? She told me about her daughter's toes and how beautiful they were. In a flash I was back in the delivery room holding Tess and Oliver and burning the image of their toes into my memory. A few weeks later I was sitting in a hot tub in Napa surrounded by wonderful friends in the most gorgeous place when I looked down and realized Tess' toes looked. Just. Like. Mine. Sweet and devastating all in the same breath. Tears poured every morning and every evening on that trip. And they still do. Like today. Like Monday when I saw P with her baby.

I stopped praying for things a long time ago. While some people find a sense of calm in their faith, even in the storm of great tragedy, I have found it does not help me. My family is very devout and while I believe in some form of higher power, I do not believe there is a G*d sitting up there dolling out miracles to some and "testing" others with tragedy. I can't get my head around that concept. But today I found myself praying, not sure to who or what, but I said a prayer for this beautiful woman who will be the most wonderful mother...that one day she'll be out of this dark place and will be on the other side too. I'm looking for that fast forward button that P and I wished for so many times over the last eight months. Again I want to jump to the end of the book and know that it's a happy ending. And then I said a prayer for every woman I know still waiting to become a mother. And finally one of thanks for my very own miracle, for P&J's miracle, for A's miracle, for P's double miracle and all the babies that have been born happy and healthy even with the odds stacked against them.

My heart still feels heavy today. I still want to know WHY.
And I am mad because there will never be an answer to that question.

I think I was a sailor in a past life.

To the lovely family members of P&J,
Please accept this apology for offending your ears. My mother would collapse if she read the curse words peppered throughout this blog. Really she "raised me better than that." When P said she forwarded the address to all of you, I was so honored and then I said "oh no!" It was really late when R asked "What are you doing?" I explained I was deliberating doing a quick edit to "clean up my blog" I think it was a good five minutes before the laughter stopped. I went back to it the next morning and R said "Give it up. That's you and how you felt in those moments. Do not change a word of it." And then under his breath with a snicker, he said, "Not to mention, it would be nearly impossible to do that AND go to work today."

So here it is. The un-cut not-yet-rated version of ME.
Just please don't tell my Mom.
Thanks.
xo
Heather

P.S. It was so wonderful to meet you all.
Congratulations on the latest addition to the family!
Can you believe SHE is finally here!

What it feels like...

Ever wonder what it feels like to hold your breath for months and months and months. To know that everyone around you just wants it ALL to work out, and how that pressure while all good and very well intended is, just that, pressure.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Check. Fear? Check. Faith?...ummmmmm....yes and no. Hope? Love? Desire? Determination? Joy? Courage? Check, check, check...

Basically take every pure raw emotion you've ever felt, multiply it by a gazillion, and that's what it feels like to lose children and then get pregnant again.

Yay! You're pregnant.
Oh. Um. Wait.
You're pregnant.

And then it's time. IT. IS. TIME.
And your head spins, because "How can it possibly be time?" Just yesterday, it all felt so far away, overwhelmingly faaaaaar away. But no, it's time, it's NOW.

In one blink of an eye (or at least that's how it feels) 2 tons are lifted off your shoulders, off your chest, you can breathe. "Oh, that's what oxygen feels like."

And whoosh. A scream. A beautiful baby scream. Never have your ears heard such a joyful noise. Your heart skips a beat. Then sweet, incredible, HAPPY tears flow like a river. And finally a big long exhale.

Today P&J know what it feels like.
Their friends and family are all breathing deeply again too.
Faith restored.

SHE! was born at 12:33pm.
O.F.L.
Just a touch over 6 pounds.
SHE! is beautiful.
Perfect.
Sweet baby toes.
Rosebud lips.
A shadow of dark hair.

Little miss we've all been waiting for you.
We are so glad you are here safe and sound.

Welcome to the other side P&J!
You both did great.
Go Dr. E! How much do we all love the fab Dr. E?
Lots. Lots. Lots.

Woohoo! Let the lovin' and spoilin' commence!

Almost.

My girlfriend P is having her baby on MONDAY. I want to fast forward to, mmmm, Monday 5 pm-ish. It's not that I'm worried about her or the bub. She is in the hands of Dr. E and I have complete faith in her. I am wishing for time to fly as I cannot wait for P&J to hold their baby. The road has been long and hard and filled with more anxiety and saddness than the average person could bare. And now finally the time is so close and they deserve this joy.

P is a beautiful person and is going to make the most wonderful mother.
We bonded because we share a grief that no mother should know. P's
world was crashing just as mine was finally experiencing joy. Day by
day she has made it all the way to (almost) 38 weeks. Throughout her
pregnancy I have served as an ear of someone that knows. A few emails have raised my heart rate, each ending with phew. Thankfully she passed each milestone set and now it's oh so close.

We've talked a lot about when Davis was born and how R and I felt. R
did not cut Davis' umbilical cord, they didn't place Davis on my chest
the moment she was born, as I had always pictured it, I don't even
remember having a reaction to the announcement she was a girl. I just
wanted the doctors standing by for her to check her out and tell me she
was ok. I wanted to hear a baby scream that would let me know her lungs were ok, that SHE was ok. R shot this little movie, it's when they first handed her to me. Until tonight I could not even guess how much time passed from when she was born until when she was handed to me. All of that was/is a blur really. I checked and guess what?
It was E L E V E N minutes after she was born. That would be 11:22 pm. I'm not making this up. The time code was off on our camera so R had to do some super sluething. He did a super enlarge on his watch and the time is right there. I could not believe it. And then again it all makes sense. Of course. Eleven. It's just my number.

After many failed email attempts so P&J could see this movie, I've decided to post it here. Not sure how long I'll leave it up. But here it is for now. It still makes me cry.

To my dear friend P, I'm so glad we found each other. I think we will be life long friends. I hope that you and J enjoy the last few days just the two of you. Deep breath you two. You're almost there.

What's your secret?

I hadn't been here in a long time. I still love it just the same.
I've never sent anything in, maybe one day I will.
But I won't tell you, because then it wouldn't be a secret now would it.