Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Everything is ok now, right?

I've been talking to some people. People that, like me, have lost babies. It's a sad club to be in really. But it is the only place where I feel like people really understand. I met a friend last week for lunch, I guess she's a friend...she's a friend of a friend that now is becomming my friend. Make sense? She lost twins too. Her girls hung on for as long as they could and for different reasons, weeks apart they lost them both. It's something I cannot imagine. I gave birth knowing that my babies would not live. There was not a chance. At. All. Though I could feel them moving inside of me, I knew the moment they came that it would be over. Hope was not even in the room that day. Having hope and then losing it, just adds another level of pain. It also makes it harder to even dare to try to hope again. She is very brave and strong. We had a great lunch. I had never met her in person before and yet I felt as if we had known each other all our lives. We were finishing each other's sentences and saying "I know" to each other a lot.

She is right where I was this time last year. Pregnant again, waiting for the stitch and the impending bed rest, wishing there were a sleeping pill that could keep you sleeping until 36 weeks. We spent a lot of time talking about the people in our lives and how they have handled us losing children. The family members, the friends....those that have been good and those that have not. How it hurts so much that it seems like everyone has forgotten...though I know it's not true, it does feel that way some days. She asked me if everyone has assumed because now that Davis is here, that we are ok and "over it" And I said on some levels yes and some levels no. That yes, things are still said from time to time that feel like a knife in my heart. Even from the people that love me the most.

My Mom told me that she was talking to my cousin. He had just found out he was having a boy and how excited he was and she laughed and told him "It will be closest I will probably ever get to a grandson." ooof. Tears instantly welled up in my eyes and I tried to fake it, but she saw the look on my face and tried to keep talking and figure a way out...in the end we both just left it at that and moved on. I know she didnt' mean it the way it came out...and yes this little boy will probably be the closest she will get to a grandson that is living. But Oliver was perfect and he was and is her grandson. I know that she knows that and feels that. But her comment felt like shit all the same.

I miss my babies. Every smile and every ounce of joy I get from Davis heals me a little bit more. But the hole in my heart for Tess and Oliver will never be filled.