Thursday, December 11, 2008

Decision '08. No voting necessary.

Four years ago we did IVF for the first time. Luckily we had some insurance coverage, not 100% but some.
Then we had an opportunity to switch plans and have two full rounds of IVF covered 100%. We were pregnant with Tess and Oliver at the time, but I said we should do it, just in case. Thankfully we did because sadly we needed it. We had 3 frozen embryos left from our cycle with T&O. We tried a transfer the first month we could, and it worked and then it didn't. Our options at this point were try the transfer with the one totcicle left, or switch clinics and do a fresh transfer, or start the adoption process.

We went ahead and met with the RE at the new clinic and after hearing the % of a positive result for frozen vs. fresh cycles the answer was clear. I looked at Rolyn and said if this NEXT cycle does not work you will have to commit me, send me away for a long long time. I am not strong enough to go through this again. And then I found out I was. That I would have to be.

Thankfully IVF #3 did work. And 16+ weeks of flat on my back and incredible love & care from Rolyn, dear friends, and the fab Dr. E got us to the other side.

The second thing I was hoping for, after a real live baby of course, was an uncomplicated pregnancy. One that would instill some faith and hope that we could possiblymaybehopefully do this again without so many restrictions. My track record of things-not-turning-out-as-i-had-planned showed up just shy of the 30 week mark. We did however reach the ultimate goal of real live baby. And every day for the past two plus years I have thanked the Universe.

About a year ago Rolyn and I started mulling over what next? Is this it? Will we be a family of three? Again this was not what we had expected when we set out to have a family. While going back to cycle again was hard to wrap my head around, 20 weeks of bed rest was impossible to wrap my head around. Not fair to Rolyn, not fair to Davis, just not fucking fair at all. When I was in the hospital there were several women on on the floor who had little ones that came to visit, they always left screaming for mommy. Always. For me the difference is this: it's one thing to be pregnant and have someone tell you that you must go to the hospital or lose this child. No question there. Of course you DO IT. Of course. But getting pregnant knowing beforehand this is a very real possibility? Just didn't sit right with me. I know there are women out there that have done this, and I am not slighting any of you. But just like with any of this infertility life, we each have our limits of when to say when. No one can judge another's limits. For me, for us for my family we have reached ours.

We have dropped the second insurance that covered me for more infertility treatments. For four+ years now I have been double covered. One plan for ART and one plan so I can go to the OB/GYN/MFM of my choice rather than an in-network doc. Most of the best docs here do not even take insurance, but paying up front and be reimbursed at 70% is better than nothing for sure.

Dropping the second plan was step one. Step two. I can barely type. My eyes have filled with tears and I can't see the screen anymore. Step two is letting go of the frozen embryo. We've been paying lots of $ to keep this one lil' dude frozen for four years. In fact at this point the cost of cryo-storage plus what it would cost to do the transfer amounts to the same as doing a whole new fresh cycle. It's not the money that is the hardest part, I think we have been in a bit of denial that we would have to make this decision at some point. We have talked about this several times in the last year, but always leave it as "yeah we should think about that." The fact that this embryo was created in the same dish as Tess & Oliver. That is has the potential to be another Davis is heartbreaking. But the time has come. To really let go. To move on.

More to come on all of this later. For now, at least, it feels good to write in all down. Get it out of my head and heart.

Last night Rolyn and I caught this documentary on PBS about these two crazy guys from Queens who took a 2+ year journey following the steps of Marco Polo It was incredible. At one point they were in Tibet and one of the explorers said, "You cannot worry about yesterday. Yesterday is gone. You cannot worry about tomorrow, it's not here yet. Life is happening right now. Today. In this moment." I couldn't look at Rolyn because I knew we were thinking the exact same thing.


Blogger Kymberli said...

Sigh. I don't even know what to say, except that I felt the tears well in my own eyes. It seems like doing what feels right should also feel easy. Letting go is never easy. Hugs to you.

9:01 PM  

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