Merry Merry

Traveling over the holidays is not easy but worth it to see Davis with her cousins, grandparents and great grandmother.
At one point amidst the chaos of six girls (my one and my sisters five) ages 2-15, Davis said to her daddy, "Those are all my peoples, right there." as she waved her arm in their direction. We laughed and I was happy that even though we live so far away she know who her "peoples" are.

This pic sums up Christmas.

A new screw.

Today I went to the dentist. He's a friend and an awesome dentist. Going to see him is kind of like meeting a friend for a drink, minus, of course, the drink. Last week while brushing my teeth I noticed some tenderness on my gums. Closer inspection revealed a little bump that looked just like the one I had a few years back that led to a pulled tooth and a bone graft, followed by an implant. Babies were lost and a baby was born happy & well during the time it took to complete the task. At first Dr. J said he didn't think it was that again...even though my gut was saying, oh yes, it was. He took an x-ray and it showed nothing. He felt like maybe I had something stuck under my gum that was causing irritation. So he numbed me up, UGH I hate that feeling, then he poked around for half a second and said, "Sorry babe. You were right."

Off I went about a 5 minute walk east to see the oral surgeon. I was so shocked they could see me immediately, I didn't even think about what this would dredge up emotionally. Until. I. Was. Sitting. In. That. Chair. Again.

The OS took one look and said, "Yup Dr. J was right. This tooth is cracked and has to come out. Do you want to do another implant? If so we'll need to do another bone graft as you've lost a touch of bone, not as much as last time, but you need a strong foundation for the screw." My head was spinning as it had only been 15 minutes before that I was catching up, having a drink appointment, with Dr. J. I said, "wow this is not how I envisioned my afternoon." He said, "Well, we could wait, but it won't get better, or cheaper." I explained that no, I was not stalling I was just a bit in shock with it all. So he numbed me some more and said he'd be back in five minutes.

I'm not really sure how I held it together in those five minutes. Because it was incredible how much shit resurfaced. Quickly. So much pain. So much heartache. None of it had anything at all to do with a fucking tooth.

Here I sit, with another hole in my head...and coming to terms (again) with the fact that there are two holes in my heart will never be filled.

ETA: I forgot to mention both the oral surgeon and the pharmacist warned me that the antibiotics prescribed would alter the effectiveness of birth control pills. At least there were two laughs in my afternoon.

Decision '08. No voting necessary.

Four years ago we did IVF for the first time. Luckily we had some insurance coverage, not 100% but some.
Then we had an opportunity to switch plans and have two full rounds of IVF covered 100%. We were pregnant with Tess and Oliver at the time, but I said we should do it, just in case. Thankfully we did because sadly we needed it. We had 3 frozen embryos left from our cycle with T&O. We tried a transfer the first month we could, and it worked and then it didn't. Our options at this point were try the transfer with the one totcicle left, or switch clinics and do a fresh transfer, or start the adoption process.

We went ahead and met with the RE at the new clinic and after hearing the % of a positive result for frozen vs. fresh cycles the answer was clear. I looked at Rolyn and said if this NEXT cycle does not work you will have to commit me, send me away for a long long time. I am not strong enough to go through this again. And then I found out I was. That I would have to be.

Thankfully IVF #3 did work. And 16+ weeks of flat on my back and incredible love & care from Rolyn, dear friends, and the fab Dr. E got us to the other side.

The second thing I was hoping for, after a real live baby of course, was an uncomplicated pregnancy. One that would instill some faith and hope that we could possiblymaybehopefully do this again without so many restrictions. My track record of things-not-turning-out-as-i-had-planned showed up just shy of the 30 week mark. We did however reach the ultimate goal of real live baby. And every day for the past two plus years I have thanked the Universe.

About a year ago Rolyn and I started mulling over what next? Is this it? Will we be a family of three? Again this was not what we had expected when we set out to have a family. While going back to cycle again was hard to wrap my head around, 20 weeks of bed rest was impossible to wrap my head around. Not fair to Rolyn, not fair to Davis, just not fucking fair at all. When I was in the hospital there were several women on on the floor who had little ones that came to visit, they always left screaming for mommy. Always. For me the difference is this: it's one thing to be pregnant and have someone tell you that you must go to the hospital or lose this child. No question there. Of course you DO IT. Of course. But getting pregnant knowing beforehand this is a very real possibility? Just didn't sit right with me. I know there are women out there that have done this, and I am not slighting any of you. But just like with any of this infertility life, we each have our limits of when to say when. No one can judge another's limits. For me, for us for my family we have reached ours.

We have dropped the second insurance that covered me for more infertility treatments. For four+ years now I have been double covered. One plan for ART and one plan so I can go to the OB/GYN/MFM of my choice rather than an in-network doc. Most of the best docs here do not even take insurance, but paying up front and be reimbursed at 70% is better than nothing for sure.

Dropping the second plan was step one. Step two. I can barely type. My eyes have filled with tears and I can't see the screen anymore. Step two is letting go of the frozen embryo. We've been paying lots of $ to keep this one lil' dude frozen for four years. In fact at this point the cost of cryo-storage plus what it would cost to do the transfer amounts to the same as doing a whole new fresh cycle. It's not the money that is the hardest part, I think we have been in a bit of denial that we would have to make this decision at some point. We have talked about this several times in the last year, but always leave it as "yeah we should think about that." The fact that this embryo was created in the same dish as Tess & Oliver. That is has the potential to be another Davis is heartbreaking. But the time has come. To really let go. To move on.

More to come on all of this later. For now, at least, it feels good to write in all down. Get it out of my head and heart.

Last night Rolyn and I caught this documentary on PBS about these two crazy guys from Queens who took a 2+ year journey following the steps of Marco Polo It was incredible. At one point they were in Tibet and one of the explorers said, "You cannot worry about yesterday. Yesterday is gone. You cannot worry about tomorrow, it's not here yet. Life is happening right now. Today. In this moment." I couldn't look at Rolyn because I knew we were thinking the exact same thing.

Opportunity to make a difference.

Check out this and send your congressman an email.
YES WE CAN.

p.s. coolmompicks rocks the house on finding the latest and greatest. I keep hoping I'm going to win one of the daily give-a-ways. :)

Showering with HOPE instead of soap.

If you look up keep-on-keepin'-on in the dictionary, you will surely find a picture of Antigone.

Today the internets are showering her with some hope for the final push (yeah, I know, baaaaad pun) to get her through to the other side.