Monday, August 22, 2005

Can't I just read ahead a little?

I just want to read a little bit ahead...I don't want to know the END of the story. Wait. Yes. Yes, I Do.

So FET #1 did not work. Now what? Decisions decisions decisions.

Option A:
Pay another $4k. Go back to pick up totcicle number 3. I won't mention the fact that I had a conversation with my doctor about thawing ALL THREE, and picking the best two for transfer. How surprised was I when they called with the thaw report. "We defrosted two and they both look GREAT!" ok but wtf? What happened to The Plan? Now we have one left in a freezer. All alone and cold and shit. Yeah, I know, I said I wasn't going to mention it in sentence number three. Oh well.

Option B:
Start all over. And when I say start all over...I mean...Start. All. Over. As in new doctor, new clinic and more shots. We switched insurance in January, about 6 weeks into my pregnancy with Tess and Oliver, just in case something happened. Of course I never thought that I'd really need it. Yes doubt was obviously there, along with anxiety, fear etc. etc. but in my heart I had so much hope. So I guess in a way I'm "lucky" I've got two full cycles paid in full waiting for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for this, I'm just pissed that I need it.

Option C:
We can start the adoption process. I've wanted to adopt almost as long as I've wanted to be pregnant. I've always known that it was something I wanted to do. But my plan was to have a child and then adopt. The best of both worlds. When I was seventeen I went on a backpacking trip to Costa Rica with my father. We carried the supplies for a medical/dental team providing care to villagers too far away from cities and too poor to receive medical attention. It was a life changing trip. We visited an orphanage, and I wanted to bring them all home with me. I felt so very small. In a good way.

So here are my initial thoughts.
Option A - maybe
Option B - maybe
Option C - maybe

But how do I decide? I feel like I'm standing on a cliff trying to find the courage to jump into the ocean. I know it will be ok. I've just seen loads of other people jump. They come up with HUGE smiles. But I cannot make myself move. I am frozen.

Totcicle 3. It was a fairly easy procedure. It did work, for a few days. Next time I'll be on progesterone supps. What if this little dude is The One? Then again what if he's not.

Starting over. ok, I may not know the new doctor, I may not know the inter-workings of this new clinic, but it did work for me once. Sorta. This is incredible science. BUT, and here's the kicker, what if it ALL HAPPENS AGAIN? What if at 19 weeks all hell breaks loose? What if, What if, What if?

Adoption. We already went to the general information meeting. It's already something I KNOW I want to do. So what's the problem, right? Adoption first doesn't fall in the order of My Plan. I just turned 36. If we stared now I'd be 37 when we adopt. So do I go back and cycle at 39? 40? With a young child in my care? Knowing that, if I am successful, I will be considered high risk and the very very high precentage that I will have some form of bedrest. With a toddler at home?? I just can't get my head around it.

I know what you're thinking. Who in the hell ever planned to be infertile? Not me. Never even crossed my mind actually. I met the love of my life, we got married, of course we'd get pregnant our wedding night. Silly silly me. So 3+ years into this, why am I so hung up on My Plan? It obviously never included any of the crap that we have endured in the last year. In my worst nightmare I couldn't have thought this up. So fuck My Plan.

I feel like I'm running in place with my life passing me by...

Shit. I thought typing all this out would bring me to a conclusion.



Blogger davispigeon said...

Hey. I started The Process tonight. One little tiny white pill. Ohhhh such a lot of charge. I said a quick chant over it before popping it in. Gulp. Holding onto your hand TIGHTLY.

10:38 PM  

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