Monday, November 14, 2005

A screw came loose…

Literally. A. Screw. Came. Loose.
Then it fell out and I promptly swallowed it.

At first I laughed. Wow. How weird. How did I chomp down on that without breaking another tooth? R suggested to “look” for the screw. Uh, No. No. Um, No. I realize it’s a pricey piece of metal. But do I really want that back in my mouth? Plus the thought of “looking” for it at work? That’s waaaaaaaay worse than having to collect urine samples every three hours in the “privacy” of a 4-staller. End laughter.

My mind started rolling. It can’t be a good sign for the future of the soon-to-be dental implant. I mean if the SCREW fell out something tells me I will not be a good candidate for an implant. Essentially my implant has been CANCELLED. Fuck me. Come on body give me a break already.

The weekend slid rapidly downhill from there. It was as if that one little titanium screw was holding back a dam full of tears. At first it was a slow trickle and the walls just slightly weaker…I’m not sure what happened really. Maybe it was the feelings of my body being defective. Maybe it was the weekend plan of sewing baby blankets. Maybe it was calling a friend to say “We will be out of town for A’s birthday party.” Then realizing she is ONE and I’ve only seen her three times. And they live 5 minutes away. Maybe it was the official closet clean out and restructure that produced several pieces of maternity wear that didn’t make the original pack-that-shit-up-and-get-it-the-fuck-away-from-me move. I guess it really doesn’t matter WHY it happened. But when the dam burst apt. A was flooded in a matter of seconds. I’m sure R felt as if a tsunami had hit. A massive gut wrenching sob/scream fest ensued. Sounds came out of me I had never heard before. I hope I didn’t wake the sleeping babies in the building, shit, I hope I didn’t wake the sleeping babies in all of Brooklyn.

I am pissed. I am devastated. I want my old self back. The girl that was hopeful and optimistic. The girl that was eagerly waiting that magical pregnancy moment. WOW, I’m pregnant…la la la dodidodido…baby showers, maternity clothes, lists of baby names. I am angry that girl is gone now. She’s been replaced with a girl that is terrified she won’t get pregnant and even more terrified that she will. Oh, and now she’s got a hole in her head.


Anonymous jeniigirl said...

sista, you let the dam break so your tears can fill the cracks from the drought...xxxxxxooooxxx
btw you are still there, girl h is still there, i can feel her here... girl h

6:49 AM  
Anonymous Tommy Himself said...

I wish I could hug you both.

I wish a hug were enough.

2:26 PM  

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