Welcome to the land of ahhhhhhhhhhs.

Happy Thanksgiving, hey, better late than never.

So here's the skinny on life with TaTa. It's been biz-E.

Weekend before Turkey Day, went to Tejas to visit the family and friends. Got to celebrate a birthday with dear T. Got to meet little E. Sweet beautiful baby boy. Looks like his Daddy just spit him out. Which translates to: he looks just like his father. His mother is my dear friend S. Our babies were due just weeks apart. She has been an amazing friend through my loss and I know it's been hard on her as her belly grew and she went on to have E. While it's been hard on me too...it's also been ok. Holding him and loving him was a mix of emotion but I have to say it wasn't as painful as I thought it might be. I held it together and honestly it was just a big love fest and I could hardly put him down. I think my family going nuts over him was a little harder to take. I didn't blame them, as he is too cute NOT to be gaga over. But it was tough...this was the week R & I planned on bringing our babies home to meet everyone. So it's hard to not think of the could haves and should haves. I try to keep those thoughts in check as it is not fair to me, to R and even to Tess and Oliver. They aren't here. They won't ever be. I have to let them go to be the perfect little ones they were for the moment they were here.

We also spent time with my nieces the three M's...two K's have been added to the estrogen in my sister's house. FIVE girls. From 7-12. All stunningly beautiful and funny. I can sum it up in one word. Trouble. Thankfully that will be my sister's trouble. I get to spoil them and send them home! The ahhhhhhs of being TaTa.

Thanksgiving at "Inspiration Peaks" in the Catskills.
whoa. I laughed that our holiday house had a name. Until I got there. I still laughed but it was inspiring 4 sho. Beautiful views of the Ashokan Reservoir. AND there was snow. Lots of it. EVERYWHERE. A flippin' winter wonderland. R and I drove up with Miss S. M&L and lil'JJ were there when we arrived. (NO traffic, btw. ahhhhhh.) We spent the weekend eating, drinking, hot tubbing and sledding...or sledging as our lovely English friends call it. Sledging! Sledding! ahhhhhh. Hot Tubbing while it snows! ahhhhhh. Eating good food with good friends! ahhhhhh. Drinking with good friends! ahhhhhh. 1000 piece puzzle that gets finished in a weekend and We. Had. Every. Piece. ahhhhhh.

The day we left Inspiration Point I moaned to lil'JJ, "What am I going to do when I wake up tomorrow and you're not there?" Without missing a beat he replied, "TaTa I will come to Brook-a-lyn and play at your house and you can come to New York and play at my house." Such an easy fix. If only we could all think like a 3 year old. ahhhhhh. No doubt.

No traffic coming home on SUNDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING!!!???!!! Not sure where all the New Yokers were exactly. I can't say that I cared. ahhhhhh.

Disclaimers.

For my HUGE audience of readers:
(hopefully my sarcasim has not offended my actual readers, as I love each and every two of you, shit there's that sarcasim again, seriously I do love ALL of you.)

ok now for the real stuff.

Disclaimer ONE: I was thinking about my blog this past weekend when I was in Dallas. I passed a billboard with completely offensive letter spacing. It hit me that being a graphic designer, I'm probably the minority in being offended by letters on a billboard. Not the words, but the s pa ci n g. Suddenly I was aware that I'm writing a blog. I am not a writer. I can't spell. I hate, for some unexplainable reason, to use spell check. I am constantly transposing letters. I worried my words, spelling, punctuation, or simple lack of grasp of the laws of the English language could possibly be offending some of you. (see right there I used 'of' waaaay too many times.) For that, not the 'ofs' but the stuff before, I am truly sorry. Really. I try, I do.

Disclaimer TWO: If you have recieved a TaTa blanket or if you do in the future, know this...I love love love making them. I love love love giving them even more. Yes, sometimes it's hard as I have wanted to sew MY babies blankets for so long...BUT I started sewing them out of love and I will continue. PLEASE don't feel guilty if your baby has one. Loads of love went into every stitch.

All the other disclaimers have evaporated from my brain thanks to the second glass of wine...shit. I know I should have listened to davispigeon's suggestion about typing posts up in Word to post later. argh.

Oh well, those are two pretty big ones. The second one is one I think of often. I've lost one friend because of my journey to have a baby. It's hard because I know I'm not the only one that has lost a friend because of infertility. I read your blogs, I know...but man it sucks. Really bad.

Stay tuned my gorgeous readers.
IVF #3 starts December 1.

Things are looking up.

Ok. So yes, the screw DID come loose.
But the good news is it was just the "healing cap" part of the screw. ???
The oral surgeon apologized profusely. Honestly, I was so excited the whole damn thing hadn't fallen out of my head and that my dental implant cycle had not, in fact, been cancelled that I was hardly bothered by the novocain injections and gum slicing that was going on...so much so I'm just now realizing that the oral surgeon actually said to me, "I'm not sure why this happened. Sometimes these things just happen. I'm so sorry. It shouldn't happen. It probably won't happen again...yadda yadda yadda." Which just confirms that I DO have the corner on the market for this medical explanation. If only I could turn this into to cash somehow. hmmm.

I left the dental office and went to therapy and had to talk about how this thing that didn't actually happen ruined my weekend.

Wait, I forgot to tell you...the oral surgeon didn't charge me a penny.
Imagine that.

A screw came loose…

Literally. A. Screw. Came. Loose.
Then it fell out and I promptly swallowed it.

At first I laughed. Wow. How weird. How did I chomp down on that without breaking another tooth? R suggested to “look” for the screw. Uh, No. No. Um, No. I realize it’s a pricey piece of metal. But do I really want that back in my mouth? Plus the thought of “looking” for it at work? That’s waaaaaaaay worse than having to collect urine samples every three hours in the “privacy” of a 4-staller. End laughter.

My mind started rolling. It can’t be a good sign for the future of the soon-to-be dental implant. I mean if the SCREW fell out something tells me I will not be a good candidate for an implant. Essentially my implant has been CANCELLED. Fuck me. Come on body give me a break already.

The weekend slid rapidly downhill from there. It was as if that one little titanium screw was holding back a dam full of tears. At first it was a slow trickle and the walls just slightly weaker…I’m not sure what happened really. Maybe it was the feelings of my body being defective. Maybe it was the weekend plan of sewing baby blankets. Maybe it was calling a friend to say “We will be out of town for A’s birthday party.” Then realizing she is ONE and I’ve only seen her three times. And they live 5 minutes away. Maybe it was the official closet clean out and restructure that produced several pieces of maternity wear that didn’t make the original pack-that-shit-up-and-get-it-the-fuck-away-from-me move. I guess it really doesn’t matter WHY it happened. But when the dam burst apt. A was flooded in a matter of seconds. I’m sure R felt as if a tsunami had hit. A massive gut wrenching sob/scream fest ensued. Sounds came out of me I had never heard before. I hope I didn’t wake the sleeping babies in the building, shit, I hope I didn’t wake the sleeping babies in all of Brooklyn.

I am pissed. I am devastated. I want my old self back. The girl that was hopeful and optimistic. The girl that was eagerly waiting that magical pregnancy moment. WOW, I’m pregnant…la la la dodidodido…baby showers, maternity clothes, lists of baby names. I am angry that girl is gone now. She’s been replaced with a girl that is terrified she won’t get pregnant and even more terrified that she will. Oh, and now she’s got a hole in her head.

just checking in...

It's been a bit since I've posted. Not that I haven't been posting in my head every night as I lie wide awake.

Wait. That's not true. LAST night I was lying awake, not EVERY night. Things have been sorta kinda calm around these parts. Not sure why. They just have. What was true in that first statement: I have been composing posts in my head. Almost daily. I've just been too exhausted when I get home to actually post the fuckers. So sad all things in Blogstonia are blocked at my office. Though I'd surely get nothing done at work if I could surf Blogstonia all day. Surely. And yes, I AM calling you surely.

ok back to my wine. I'll post again soon.
There is loads to talk about. Anyone out there still listening?