ahhhhhhhhhh.

Well R is taking me off to Cape Cod for a long weekend. Thanks to friends in high places he's acquired a lovely house so we can get away. It is a much needed holiday. We've tried two times to get away this summer and I've had to cancel because of work. Honestly if I didn't think he'd have killed me... I might have cancelled this trip too. Work is just completely out of hand right now.

Between work stress and life stress I'M A MESS!

deep breath. deep breath. deeeeeeeeeeep. breath.

The only thing that would make this holiday better is if I wasn't going. I need a break from me. sigh.

I'll be back next week. Hopefully refreshed and a completely new person. Or at the very least still drunk.

What it feels like to be infertile 101.

Sometimes other people say things and it feels as if they have been in my head thinking my thoughts and well, they just say it better than I ever could.

Over here on the Naked Ovary and here on So Close are two posts that just say it...all, everything. Sigh. While it does feel good that somone understands how I feel, that I'm not alone, I hate that any woman has ever had to feel this pain.

Comments!

Wow. Four comments. Hi y'all.

Now the pressure is on.

think. think. think.

Oh, ok here ya go. We've, well I have decided to put ivf #2 on hold for just a bit. October 5th is just too close. I was feeling as if someone was sitting on my chest. I could not fully take a breath. That, I decided, was not the way to go into a stressful situation. (therapy seems to be working already) Maybe the end of November...maybe it's something about November and that's why it worked last time? omg. I just realized that November is the eleventh month. o.m.g.

Now we've got something to blog about. The number E L E V E N.

Some of you know this and some of you don't and some of you may have already stopped reading.

The number 11 has been following me around for years. I'm not going to count because if it's 11 years it will freak me out. So let's just say YEARS.

Sometimes it's simply a weird coincidence like a "Inspected by No. 11" sticker on the inside of my bathing suit that I've been swimming in all summer. Or sometimes I ask someone "What time do you have?" and they say "11 til or 11 after." Why not say ten to or after? Don't you think that's odd? Or I check into a hotel room and 9 times out of 10 the room has an 11 in the number. I've gone through cycles with the number 11. I've loved it, I've despised it, I have even been indifferent.

I'm in a me-not-like phase for good ole number 11. Here's why:

ivf #1 - Picture me wide-eyed and bushy-tailed and hopeful that this was going to work. (Since I've only just now realized that I actually started ivf #1 in November and made the connection that it's the eleventh month....I'm not going to count this number 11 phenom.)

Loving the number 11...
Transfer day: December 11 (hooray! MY LUCKY NUMBER!)
Beta day: December 22 (hooray! My MIL birthday AND it's divisible by, yep you got 11!!)
Sonogram: It's TWINS!! 1 + 1. anyone see an eleven in there? Yeah, I know it's a stretch.

Loathing the number 11...
Found out that Tess and Oliver were coming and nothing I could do would stop it: April 11
FET #1(Frozen embryo Transfer): Transfer day August 11

I think you can see where this is going, right.

No more numbers for me. Unless I have six come to me in a dream that will then turn around and hit MegaMillions... Then, and only then, I'll be back in love with numbers. Until then numbers suck.

wa wa waaaaaaaa. Debbie Downer. Which is so ironic, because I'm actually in a good mood tonight. I wish I could quickly think of something that would make all of you smile...oh look at me I did think of something. It's a stupid Heather fact. An old party trick of mine that I'm not even sure how I discovered, though I'm certain alcohol was involved. Copious amounts. Anywho, here goes...

I can put my fist in my mouth. Yes, yes my whole fist. I think I can unhinge my jaw like a boa constrictor or something.

Or maybe I just have a big mouth and a small hand? But I can do it.

Can you?

Mondays.

If we had weeks without Mondays would Tuesdays just take their place?
You know if Monday just didn't happen or say was included in your (gasp) weekend...
Would Tuesday then suck?

Today was Monday and boy it was a doozy. Suck would be a strong word, I mean I still ate lunch and walked out of the office at 6. Could have been worse and it's all relative I know... BUT it was a doozy just the same. Got me to thinking if I'm just too caught up in names of the days...

What? No talk of babies, tears, needles, infertility, or other more upbeat thoughts? Just Mondays suck?

Yep. That's it for today.

The hole

I've a got a hole in my heart. I've got a hole in life. I've got a hole in my family tree.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how to describe this hole and how it feels. Not for anyone necessarily, but more for helping myself process these feelings.

I read an article about the babies that were in the NICU in Baton Rouge. Before Katrina hit they were evacuated. Because they were not patients, their parents were not evacuated with them. One sweet teeney little baby has yet to be claimed. His parents and siblings are among the missing. They have found this little one's aunt, but none of his immediate family.

I felt a kindred spirit to this little baby. He too will have a hole. I pray that he will grow up in a household full of love and happiness. But he, like me, will have a hole that will always be there. He, like me, will be missing people he never knew. He will have no memories of his mother, father and siblings. What they looked like, sounded like...what it felt like to be hugged by them.

I hope that he grows up with (new) parents that love him and cherish him. I too hope to go on and have more children to love and cherish. While this will help and bring much happiness, it will not fill the hole. We will still have these people we never knew that will always be missed.