One.

Friday the 13th. Early morning appointment with my friend the dildo cam. I could barely breathe. R and I both could hardly make ourselves look at the screen. I said I wouldn't, but then found my eyes frozen to the screen.

"One." the doctor said. "It's one."
"Well, hold on, let me look around just to be sure."
"Yes, it's one."

My eyes filled with tears, so many in fact I could no longer see the screen. I felt so torn with all the emotions. I felt my chest get tight. At the same time I had no problems breathing.

"See, here is the sac, this is the baby and that, that right there...that tiny flicker, that is a strong heartbeat." Then she turned on the sound and we heard a little freight train of a heartbeat.
"Of course with your history Heather, one is exactly what we were hoping for. This is the best possible result."

I agree with every word the doctor said. BUT. I just wish I didn't have a "history" In that second sitting on that table, I wanted to hear TWO heartbeats. Not of new babies but of Tess and Oliver. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again.

I so desperately want to be excited about this new pregnancy, about the hope I have to become a mother. To hold a healthy baby in my arms. I think it is really just hitting me that I truly have to let Tess & Oliver go. And that feels so hard. Impossible.

I know in my heart my babies will always be with me. They will always be my first born. And I am going to be able to be happy and excited about this incredible miracle growing inside of me. It's time for new beginnings. It's time to truly move forward and stop looking back. It doesn't mean that I will forget Tess & Oliver, that would be impossible. But I can and will look forward. To a very happy future.

Numbers.

Well the 2nd beta is in and so far so good. The nurse said it was above 5,000 today. I keep having to remind myself that this is two days later than last year's numbers. My second beta with T&O was just a bit over 4,000.

We have an ultrasound scheduled for, can ya guess? Friday the 13th. I bet you thought I was going to say the eleventh, huh? Not sure if Friday the 13th is much better. But I'll take anything over the 11th.

I'm still pretty scared this is going to be twins again. It all feels a bit dejavuish. Except this time I'm not a naive pregnant chick that thinks once you're out of the first tri it's all smooth sailin'.

Day by day and deep breaths.