Sunday, January 15, 2006

One.

Friday the 13th. Early morning appointment with my friend the dildo cam. I could barely breathe. R and I both could hardly make ourselves look at the screen. I said I wouldn't, but then found my eyes frozen to the screen.

"One." the doctor said. "It's one."
"Well, hold on, let me look around just to be sure."
"Yes, it's one."

My eyes filled with tears, so many in fact I could no longer see the screen. I felt so torn with all the emotions. I felt my chest get tight. At the same time I had no problems breathing.

"See, here is the sac, this is the baby and that, that right there...that tiny flicker, that is a strong heartbeat." Then she turned on the sound and we heard a little freight train of a heartbeat.
"Of course with your history Heather, one is exactly what we were hoping for. This is the best possible result."

I agree with every word the doctor said. BUT. I just wish I didn't have a "history" In that second sitting on that table, I wanted to hear TWO heartbeats. Not of new babies but of Tess and Oliver. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again.

I so desperately want to be excited about this new pregnancy, about the hope I have to become a mother. To hold a healthy baby in my arms. I think it is really just hitting me that I truly have to let Tess & Oliver go. And that feels so hard. Impossible.

I know in my heart my babies will always be with me. They will always be my first born. And I am going to be able to be happy and excited about this incredible miracle growing inside of me. It's time for new beginnings. It's time to truly move forward and stop looking back. It doesn't mean that I will forget Tess & Oliver, that would be impossible. But I can and will look forward. To a very happy future.

5 Comments:

Blogger Rolyn said...

ONE. Step at a time.

Love you.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous jeniigirl said...

yeah ONE!!!!! that is my new happy thought!
one... singular sensation... -love that song, i'm kicking my heels up and singing!!!

1:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations!
Many good wishes and heartfelt prayers for a healthy pregnancy.
(I found your blog through alittlepregnant)
-Ashleigh

3:43 PM  
Blogger ThreeBees said...

Wishing you all the best with this pregnancy.

12:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One! Sweet little baby for my sweet GirlH!
Holding on to you as tight as ever, girlie girl.
love
Bel

4:04 PM  

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