Tic Toc.

I feel like I have tics in my head. The time left in the vertical world is rapidly passing. I'm feeling just a bit anxious about this bed rest. R and I have begun the apartment modifications necessary...but it's still not giving me a peaceful feeling. I keep waking in the night with too many tears to count. Dreams of my babies filling my head. Both good and bad dreams. I know this is just a clear sign of the anxiety I feel when I am awake but it always throws me. I know it must throw R to be woken up in the darkness to the sound of sobs. I live for these doctor appointments but can barely breathe until I hear the words "Everything looks great." That holds me over for mere hours before the tics start up again. I'll be 18 weeks on Sunday. Last year all hell broke loose at 19 weeks. How the hell will I make it through the next two weeks? What the hell was I thinking when we did ivf #3 in December? I'm just three days off where I was last year. I feel like a walking time bomb. At any moment things could just explode again.

I guess I'm just desperately wanting to feel sure. And for all logical reasons I cannot allow myself to feel sure about anything when it comes to my body. This is such a tough moment in my life. So many anniversaries or milestones hitting me all at once. 4 years trying to have a baby, 1 year since losing Tess & Oliver, making it to 20 weeks in this pregnancy. It all feels like so much. I'm exhausted by trying to look at things and turn them into a positive. It feels unreal, fake. Underneath all the "I'm going to enjoy the five months in bed. When will I ever have this much time to myself EVER again?" I could give you a long list of these thoughts...but underneath it all it's not how I truly feel. Underneath it all I am terrified. I just want to feel sure. I want to read ahead to the last chapter of this book and KNOW that everything will be fine. I want to believe that there will be a happy ending but right now I just can't. And dammit it fucking hurts.

4.5 weeks.

That's 4.5 weeks left in the vertical world. At 20 weeks I will become part of the horizontal world. Strict bed rest. Only up to pee and shower. I bet I notice things about this apartment I never noticed before.

I wish I could figure out how to post a damn picture...I have to work on that. Once I figure it out how, I'll post where I've been hiding lately. It's pure paradise and it's killing me that for 20 long weeks I will not be able to go there.

I promised you guys the plan so here it is:
• Cerclage placed at 14 weeks. This all went smoothly. A little intense being in an operating room WIDE AWAKE, but all in all it was fine. The spinal wasn't so bad either. I guess nothing will compare to the spinal/epidural nightmare when I delivered T&O. I'm sure that won't happen again. My new doc is incredible...a real mama bear in that hospital. I'm glad she's on my side.
• TEN 10oz glasses of water a day plus Gatorade. Trust me, it's a lot.
• Dr. visits weekly from 14-? weeks. We're playing this one week by week. That ole lazy cervix of mine will not have much time to sleep on the job.
• Work from home starting at 14 weeks.
• Bed rest starting at 20 weeks. That means me horizontal, flat, in bed for 20 weeks/140 days/5 months. However you add it up, it seems like forever. Haven't fully processed this as of yet. But I am starting to think of apt. modifications that will help me from going crazy or having to get up more than absolutely necessary.

***GOAL***
One beautiful big fat bouncing baby. Alive and kicking. Born at 40 weeks. Sept 3.
***GOAL with extra points***
Same as above with no stay in the hospital, a quick, easy, complication-free delivery and both MaMa and baby home with Daddy within 48 hours.