Thursday, July 19, 2007

Two Questions.

Since having Davis there seem to be two recurring questions. Each stops me cold. Maybe frozen is the better word as cold just doesn't seem to be, well, cold enough.

1. From well meaning strangers. Always delivered with a bright cheery smile.
"Is this your first baby?"

I struggle how to answer this. Of course the easiest/quickest answer is "Yes." Done. Thank You. Next. And it's the answer I typically give. But it's like a knife in my heart every time. Because it's a lie and it feels horrible. It feels like I'm denying the existence of my beautiful Tess and Oliver. But man, if I answer truthfully?? It could turn into a longer and much deeper conversation than I want to get into with Mrs./Mr. Well Meaning Stranger.

2. From EVERYONE. Strangers. Friends. Family. Delivered with a shrugged-shoulder-head-tilted-maybe-I-shouldn't-be-asking-this kind of face.
"Are you going to have another one?"

Again. A struggle. I mean if I thought I could have a complication-free pregnancy...assuming that I would be lucky enough to get pregnant again. I'd do it. No question.
But two less than term deiveries doesn't put me on the good side of those odds. Bed rest with little miss running around seems so unfair to everyone involved. Especially if I end up in the hospital for six weeks again.

I'm feeling so much pressure to answer this question myself. I'm 38. That clock ticking is getting loud. But another ivf cycle? YUK. Another 5 months in bed? YUK. If I could jump right to the end and have the prize? Sign me up now.

The fear boils under my skin just contemplating all of this. The big fear (other than the ones already stated) that I've only talked about with one person, because I'm sure to anyone else it would sound so absurd..but she knows :: What if I do this again and have another girl? :: On the one hand it does not matter one bit. Boy/girl, who cares! Healthy. Happy. That's all that really matters. But not ever having a boy? When I came so close. Not that a new boy could ever replace Oliver. I've made that clear many times. But having two girls. Would I just miss him even more? Miss him more? Is that even possible?

Two questions that multiply with thinking.
Like a Gremlin and water.

**ETA** Out of a fear of someone that does not know me, or maybe even those that do know me, thinking that I sound ungrateful for the beautiful gorgeous baby girl that I have now. Alive and well. I am. Every day I am so thankful. She is days away from turning ONE and I'm still pinching myself that she is here with us. That I am a Mom. But I still miss the babies that aren't here. The two that should be here...that in days would be turning two. Pure joy and pure pain all rolled up into one month of the year.


Blogger Andria and Co. said...

I do the same, when asked how many kids I have. I can't just answer it bluntly, it takes me aback, and I mentally have to think how many to say. It sucks.

10:51 PM  
Anonymous Sassy said...

A cousin of mine recently introduced a friend to me by saying "This is X and her baby Y. He's not her first baby, but he's the first baby she's been allowed to keep. Isn't that great!"

So no matter what you say, at least you're not saying that to strangers.

But I can understand it must be difficult. We're often asked how many children we have, sometimes I say none yet, sometimes I say we're about to start foster care and sometimes I say that it's not that easy for us. If someone seems particularly unpleasent I'll give the more details than they'd ever want to know which usually shuts them up.

I find it's hard to balance honesty, privacy and reality.

3:40 AM  
Blogger davispigeon said...

ooh. Ow. Those are tough questions. I have to say, I kinda like sassy's response but maybe that's the bitch in me.

11:17 PM  

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