Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Yes, I AM alive.

WARNING: this post was written in January. It's now almost April. SIgh. I'm not even going to try to finish it as I have no idea where I was going...so on to the next post that hopefully won't take me months to write.

Wow. Not sure where the time goes these days. Life has been passing a warp speed.
Little miss butterfly is getting so big so quickly. And yet we are still pinching ourselves, living in slight disbelief that she is even here...our little one, safe and sound and running the show 100%.

It's 4am and the only one sleeping is the little miss. Not sure why or how I'm still awake as shw was up all night the night before. I should be tired, flat out exhausted. No wait, I AM tired, but for some reason I just can't sleep.

I can't imagine that anyone is even still checking in here. And that's ok. I don't blame ya. It's been months since my last post. I have been posting in my head, just never seem to be able to get in written on the keys.

I have to say the holidays were wonderful this year. The past few years have been full of needles and dr. appointments and pregnancy tests and lots of tears, happy and sad. Hard to think about Christmas when your beta is scheduled for Dec. 27th. (Actually should have been the 25th but the office was closed.) My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. You get all the good celebrating part without the pressure of gifts etc. R and I have basically been out of the Thankgiving game the past few years. This was the first year in the last 3 that we haven't been doing an ivf cycle. In 2004 we actually started ON turkey day. I was a bit of a basket case, nervous with all the shots ahead, anticipating the cycle outcome and missing my family desperately. We rented a house up in Woodstock to get away just the two of us and our dog Roxy (RIP sweet little baby girl dog). We needed to get our heads around the challenge that was ahead of us. We ended up calling in the troops and V&S spent one night with us. We needed the support badly. They had just gone through ivf #1 and were successful. They were proof that this could/should/would work. They drove up on Friday after a late night call from R the night before (I didn't find out about this until much much later) R was convinced he had overdosed me that very first night! He didn't OD me after all...in fact all went as smoothly as it could. Until if course it went bad.

My sweet little one is almost six months old. I cannot believe she has grown so big and so strong with nothing but mama's milk. So far pumping at work has gone ok. I've only been walked in on twice. Yes it took me twice to figure out there is a lock on my door and that "DON'T come in!" sounds just like "Come in!" when your behind a closed door. Being back at work has been good and bad. I find myself wishing I could have it both ways a lot. Or if I could only work 2-3 days a week forever. I may be fighting off some delayed PPD as well and debating about talking to my doctor about it. And I am missing Tess and Oliver more than ever. Having Davis has made the babies we lost so real. I feel like I am moving through a whole other level of grief. I am cherishing every moment with Davis. I feel so blessed that she is mine. But oh how I wish she was one of three instead of my only living child.


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