Friday, May 19, 2006

That look.

I've been thinking about this post for two weeks now. I'm still not sure I can really get the words out in the right order to convey my feelings.

I was in the elevator on my way to my doctor's office. I was alone since R was parking. I'm really up on these days as it's my one outing into the vertical I have a slight spring in my step and a smile on my face ear to ear. I hit the button for the 9th floor. The elevator was half full. We stopped on floor two and a woman gets on. She's in a white lab coat. She looks at my belly and I see her face drop. It's the look. At first I thought I was imagining it...but then I studied the furrowed brow and the tapping fingers and the deep breaths in and out. And well I just knew. I guess it takes an infertile to recognize another. Though in my condition I was certain she had no idea that I UNDERSTOOD what she was feeling. I wanted to grab her and tell her my story and tell her I knew that pain too.

Of course I let her get off on her floor and didn't say anything. This is New York you know. But it has stuck with me. Rolled around in my head and my heart. All these years of feeling that knife in my heart, that knot in my belly, forcing the tears to stay in my eyes until I could be never occurred to me that I could/would ever be the cause of that pain for someone else. I can't even count the times when I had that look. I'm still in a slight state of disbelief that I am pregnant and that I just might make it through this and bring home a baby in the end. Even when I have moments where I DO believe, the pain is still very close. It's not too far underneath my skin. They say that the scars will heal with time but will not ever completely go away. I believe this is so true.

I think it's so hard for people to understand this pain...unless of course you've been unfortunate enough to experience it yourself. I have read so many blogs where there are posts of despair. That dark dark hole of pain. It's overwhelming and all consuming. It takes over your life and changes who you are and how you look at the world. To someone on the outside of all this I wonder if it just sounds like bitchy bitterness. Get on with it woman. Be thankful for what you DO have. But I get it. There are times when I still feel it. It's morphed a bit with all the added trials...but it's all still tied to that feeling of being not normal. Defective. Lots of therapy has helped with these feelings, though they creep in at moments. Especially while I'm lying in this bed reading my pregnancy book about how a "normal" pregnancy progresses. Hard to see myself in any of it.

And like my girl B says....all those years growing up when we worked so damn hard to NOT BE NORMAL. Yes, come on you remember those bumper stickers that said 'WHY BE NORMAL' with the normal printed upside down.

Who knew that I would grow up and long to be just that. NORMAL.


Anonymous Tommy Himself said...

Spectacular post, H. Thanks for writing it.

11:30 AM  
Anonymous lisa said...

Wow. Congrats. I cant imagine since I havent had fertility issues but my heart is really with you. I hope you have a bundle in your arms very soon!

11:17 PM  
Blogger Kellie said...

I know so much what you are saying. I've had "the look" many many times... often accompanied by tears. I hate the idea that I might cause someone else to have "that look".


11:42 AM  
Blogger Chelsea said...

new reader of your blog here, I myself have not caused any pain for anyone yet, but I am in the wings of the infertile world, waiting to see what my fate as a mother will be...wishing a happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy.

7:31 PM  
Blogger davispigeon said...

I'm with you, babe. And you may LOOK like a "normal" pregnant woman but inside, that damn IF pain is still there. Not to mention all the other pain whirling around as that single little bub kicks at your insides.
Kisses and big hugs.

2:22 AM  

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