Monday, December 24, 2007

fa la la la la, la la la waaah?

Christmas is here. Only a few more gifts to wrap. Santa? Little miss doesn't quite get Santa this year. But gifts? Yeah she gets gifts. We can't turn our backs for a second without her tearing into a gift. Yes, they are put up high. But the child is tall. T-A-L-L. More than half as tall as me at only 16 months. And spunky too. The in-laws are in town and she has turned up the cute to eleven. She has the grandparents right where she has had her Daddy for months now. Putty in her teeny little hands. It's amazing. I suspect once she starts really talking that I could possibly be figuring out where to put a pony in a one room city apartment. I don't think there will be anything they will deny this child! Pony in the city? Sure little one, what ever you want!

She's doing amazing things and I'm more in love with her every day. I could cry every time she grabs a book and backs up to sit in my lap. Oh how long I've waited for this moment. I'm seriously soaking up every second.

I think I'm settling in to the idea that she is it. Never ever thought I'd only have one child, but I just can't get my head around it any other way. I'm so ready to be over the conversations in my head. And the waiting, the WAITING. Living at two week intervals. ugh. It's for the birds. Even "leaving it up to fate" and not doing any more ART, just see if it happens in the "old fashion" way (ha. ha. ha. is all I have to say to that.) But even doing that it's still in my head. Not in the I'm-thinking-of-it-every-second kind of way, but it's there. And I'm ready to, in one way or another, to be done with it. It's too painful. This month I was incredibly hormonal and had convinced myself that maybe? I even went out and spent cash on a flipping test and poas at work. WHITE AS SNOW. ugh. The last time I poas I swore to myself I'd never do that to myself again. And that was years ago. And there I went. That damn SNOW WHITE stick. ugh.

Davis is perfect. I am so so so lucky to have this child. She is enough. Doesn't mean I don't want her to have a sibling or that I'm not mourning every bit of the babyness that is rapidly fading into toddlerness.

So there you go. That said I have to leave it open as I could change my mind in the next five minutes and R and I have yet to sit down and really really really really talk this whole thing through.

On my way home from work today I traveled through the subway switching from one train to the next and I passed a nice looking elderly woman sitting on a bench. She said something to me that almost made me drop every package I was carrying. In an instant I felt as if the oxygen had been sucked out of me. She looked at me and smiled and I tried my best not to fall to pieces. I think I managed a smile back at her. I was in a bit of shock. I looked around me, desperate to find the person she was really talking to. Because it couldn't be me. But there was no one. Just me in my red coat loaded up with too many gifts to comfortably carry. All of this happened in a split second and after I passed, I turned to look back...I just wanted to know if she was real. If what just happened was real. She was still there. And she was still looking right at me. Still smiling.

Words. Letters jumbled together that make sounds.
What do they mean really? Nothing? Everything?

These words shot through me like an arrow.
They will be with me for a very long time.

She said, "I hope you have a little baby boy."


Anonymous orodemniades said...

Wow. That's a hell of a thing to say to a complete stranger.

1:08 PM  
Anonymous usgirls said...

I love your blog explanation. you could probably add that the roller coaster is for those of us who can take freaking out on a regular basis!

Thanks for sharing with me I really need it today.

12:01 PM  

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