August 30.

Tomorrow is my EDD. My heart feels so heavy. In some ways it's just another day. I'm pretty sure Tess and Oliver would have come earlier than August 30. More like August 15 the Dr. said. But this is the day that I had in my head since December 22, 2004 when they called and said "Congratulations. You're pregnant." R said I had no reaction. My face was blank. It wasn't because I was not happy, it was just that I didn't really believe it. After all this time. I. Was. Pregnant. I had the same look on my face when Dr. S said "It's two." R again had to shake me out of my blank stare. Again I didn't know how to feel. Shocked. Delighted. Terrified. It was a huge spectrum of emotion. And in the end they all just kind of cancelled each other out. In the end I just felt numb.

But slowly I started to believe. As my belly grew I believed. The first time I felt them kick me I was thrilled. I knew from the beginning it was a boy and a girl. Not sure how, but I just knew. Once I started feeling the life growing inside me I relaxed. It was as if I had been holding my breath for 4.5 months and finally I exhaled. R. could talk to my belly and they would tumble. Those were the happiest moments. My heart felt whole. My future so bright. I had the most incredible man as my husband and I was about to make him a father. We were about to be a family.

Tomorrow I am going to remember Tess and Oliver not with sadness but with joy. I will go back to that moment when we were on the brink of something incredible. Not to re-live the nightmare but to re-live the incredible joy they brought to us, even though it was brief. I'm going to try to focus on the good that is in my life. I believe that Tess and Oliver will always be with us. And they expect us to move forward. I still have my incredible man. He is my one and only, he is my rock. One day I do hope to make him a father not just in spirit but in body.