More than a TaTa

I remember...

2009-01-21T00:11:00.002-05:00

I remember back when R and I were just newly engaged. I remember the HOPE that filled me. Everything I always wanted right in front of me. I remember trying to plan a wedding and being distracted because all I really wanted was the stuff that was to come after the wedding. I remember sitting up in the darkness of insomnia-3am. Hours and hours and hours spent surfing the www looking for answers. Something anything to solve the problem. Relaxing, a holiday away, spermmeetseggplan, children's aspirin, acupuncture, Chinese dirt tea, some pill ANY pill that would miraculously make me pregnant. All of this alone and silent. Not letting anyone into my mind filled with doubt. And then finally I summoned up the courage to talk about it with my husband. Silly as it sounds I was nervous at how this would affect my new marriage, not even realizing it was already affecting not just my marriage but everyone, everything, absolutely every part of my life.

Then the testing began...and there were no answers. This was "Great news!" according to all the doctors. Still can't really wrap my head around that. Then there was the panic attack in the middle of Madison Avenue that scared the shit out of me and rendered me paralyzed in the middle of the city. Then the magical three week holiday to France. My first time in Paris and yet a dark cloud followed me around. Then in the middle of the gorgeous-ness of the south of France, AF showed her ugly ass self. Misery.

Then Rolyn reconnected with old friends that had been there done that. They gave me not just love and support but HOPE. Then another couple we were friends with started their road with ART and were successful. Again, love, support, HOPE.

During this time, even with HOPE, my world grew very small. I could never be sure when or where tears would come. I started avoiding group gatherings. I started avoiding phone calls. When anyone would say "Hey did you hear the news about so-in-so?" I wanted to run away. Far far away and just disappear. I had never ever felt so alone so broken. I remember sitting on the train coming home and listening to an obviously tweaked out woman beg for money. For. Her. Baby. The baby in her arms was barely a year...the baby in her belly? I'd say 4 months from being born. I cried, no I bawled from the moment the train doors opened until I walked into my apartment. Only to met with an email from a newly pregnant friend telling me "she understood. You can be as involved or not involved as you want to be. etc. etc." She was trying be a friend and say all the right things. It unfortunately hit me in the wrong moment and it fucking stung.

And then it was our time. Success on the first ivf cycle. A boy! A girl! HOPE was more present then than ever before...though it never put down roots. It didn't have time.

The darkest day came and went. I went back to work, back to life and we put on the good front as best we could. I remember sitting at my desk eight hours a day for six weeks (at least) and not getting anything done. Looking back now it's like a fog, a numbness, surrounded us, protecting us from ourselves and the overwhelming grief. I don't think the full impact of wtf happened really hit for about six months.

By then we were into a new cycle. It did/didn't work. And we did another, and then another. Finally, HOPE returned. We also had fear and statistics and more than just a touch of that protective numbness. We had incredible friends who even though had been almost totally shut out after losing Tess and Oliver, they still came to our sides and held us up. Home cooked meals, care packages, ichats, IMs, emails, weekend slumber party visits. They did it all and we have never been more grateful. We had incredible doctors on our side. All of these things came together and we made it. To the other side.

August 4, 2006 was as life changing a day as April 12, 2005.
They came. They died. Our hearts were broken.
She came. She lives. She healed the parts of our hearts that could be healed.
She is our light. Our biggest joy.

This blog has been such an incredible thing for me. I have written things here that I could share in very few places. There is a lot more in my head and heart I have yet to write down. I have yet to write the posts about both Tess & Oliver's and Davis's birth. They are in head, already written just not typed into the computer. I have yet to write the post about our cabin upstate and the magical things that have happened there. The post about what happens when two leaves are placed in the water to say hello to my babies. The post about an infant loss support group we attended and how one man's child will FOREVER be in my heart, how I wish I had his name so I could tell his wife that it was not her fault and her baby is not forgotten. How infertility and losing T&O reconfirmed why I married this man and brought us closer and made us stronger than I could have ever imagined. And then there is the future and what it holds...so much on the horizon in every aspect of our lives.

My gut is telling me it's time to move on from here. I've learned to go with my gut. My first thought was to take this place down. Poof. Gone. No explanation necessary. But then I recently exchanged messages with a friend/old co-worker who is currently in infertility hell. Reading her words and frustration and pain poured out in front of me and getting it. Feeling it with every ounce of my being. Well it gave me pause. Several months ago I started tracking my stats here. I was pleasantly surprised and a bit shocked that I actually do have readers. Even when the posting has been at a snails pace. All of this took me back. I remember. I remember how the internet saved my life. Reading other's stories and realizing I was not the only one that had been down this road, felt these feelings, thought these thoughts, lost babies, fought with family, lost friends...that I was in fact NOT crazy or evil for anything and everything I was feeling.

So because of you, dear internets, lurkers that find yourself here, up in the darkness of insomnia-3am... I wish you peace and HOPE and strength to get through whatever it is you are going through. I am sad to say I cannot offer you any magical answers, but you should know you are not alone. I have found infertile/insane pregnancy complications/life is so fucking unfair/dead baby mommas (etc etc) who are bloggers to be the most open and embracing people ever. Leave a comment, send an email and ASK. I know I know, it was hard for me too. And I didn't, I couldn't. Until Tess and Oliver died...and then I did. I had no choice. I needed someone to tell me that I could live through this. Two women that had been through the same, that live in other parts of the world, lifted me up with words.

So this blog will end here but live on as is...and because this is far from the end of the story, another will be started.
Wanna come? Send me an email and I'll send you the link.
morethanatata at gmail dot com

Catch ya on the flip.

Dear Jackson Heights,

2009-01-13T23:19:00.004-05:00

Please drop me a line. Let me know who you are. I have a feeling I may know you IRL or at least in a past life. I promise to keep your identity private and will not sell your information to any of More Than A TaTa's long list of advertisers. Seriously, your email could/would put me at ease.
morethanatata@gmail.com
Much Thanks,
Heather, aka girlh, aka More Than A TaTa

The Girl Effect

2009-01-10T14:16:00.001-05:00

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More info here.

um, wow.

2009-01-05T15:10:00.002-05:00

My sister just sent me the link to this article.
Growing up in Texas, knowing how competitive high school football is (even when your team isn't very good) I'm left in awe of this coach.

Merry Merry

2008-12-25T17:24:00.004-05:00

Traveling over the holidays is not easy but worth it to see Davis with her cousins, grandparents and great grandmother.
At one point amidst the chaos of six girls (my one and my sisters five) ages 2-15, Davis said to her daddy, "Those are all my peoples, right there." as she waved her arm in their direction. We laughed and I was happy that even though we live so far away she know who her "peoples" are.

This pic sums up Christmas.

A new screw.

2008-12-15T17:48:00.012-05:00

Today I went to the dentist. He's a friend and an awesome dentist. Going to see him is kind of like meeting a friend for a drink, minus, of course, the drink. Last week while brushing my teeth I noticed some tenderness on my gums. Closer inspection revealed a little bump that looked just like the one I had a few years back that led to a pulled tooth and a bone graft, followed by an implant. Babies were lost and a baby was born happy & well during the time it took to complete the task. At first Dr. J said he didn't think it was that again...even though my gut was saying, oh yes, it was. He took an x-ray and it showed nothing. He felt like maybe I had something stuck under my gum that was causing irritation. So he numbed me up, UGH I hate that feeling, then he poked around for half a second and said, "Sorry babe. You were right."

Off I went about a 5 minute walk east to see the oral surgeon. I was so shocked they could see me immediately, I didn't even think about what this would dredge up emotionally. Until. I. Was. Sitting. In. That. Chair. Again.

The OS took one look and said, "Yup Dr. J was right. This tooth is cracked and has to come out. Do you want to do another implant? If so we'll need to do another bone graft as you've lost a touch of bone, not as much as last time, but you need a strong foundation for the screw." My head was spinning as it had only been 15 minutes before that I was catching up, having a ~~drink~~ appointment, with Dr. J. I said, "wow this is not how I envisioned my afternoon." He said, "Well, we could wait, but it won't get better, or cheaper." I explained that no, I was not stalling I was just a bit in shock with it all. So he numbed me some more and said he'd be back in five minutes.

I'm not really sure how I held it together in those five minutes. Because it was incredible how much shit resurfaced. Quickly. So much pain. So much heartache. None of it had anything at all to do with a fucking tooth.

Here I sit, with another hole in my head...and coming to terms (again) with the fact that there are two holes in my heart will never be filled.

ETA: I forgot to mention both the oral surgeon and the pharmacist warned me that the antibiotics prescribed would alter the effectiveness of birth control pills. At least there were two laughs in my afternoon.

Decision '08. No voting necessary.

2008-12-11T10:03:00.004-05:00

Four years ago we did IVF for the first time. Luckily we had some insurance coverage, not 100% but some.
Then we had an opportunity to switch plans and have two full rounds of IVF covered 100%. We were pregnant with Tess and Oliver at the time, but I said we should do it, just in case. Thankfully we did because sadly we needed it. We had 3 frozen embryos left from our cycle with T&O. We tried a transfer the first month we could, and it worked and then it didn't. Our options at this point were try the transfer with the one totcicle left, or switch clinics and do a fresh transfer, or start the adoption process.

We went ahead and met with the RE at the new clinic and after hearing the % of a positive result for frozen vs. fresh cycles the answer was clear. I looked at Rolyn and said if this NEXT cycle does not work you will have to commit me, send me away for a long long time. I am not strong enough to go through this again. And then I found out I was. That I would have to be.

Thankfully IVF #3 did work. And 16+ weeks of flat on my back and incredible love & care from Rolyn, dear friends, and the fab Dr. E got us to the other side.

The second thing I was hoping for, after a real live baby of course, was an uncomplicated pregnancy. One that would instill some faith and hope that we could possiblymaybehopefully do this again without so many restrictions. My track record of things-not-turning-out-as-i-had-planned showed up just shy of the 30 week mark. We did however reach the ultimate goal of real live baby. And every day for the past two plus years I have thanked the Universe.

About a year ago Rolyn and I started mulling over what next? Is this it? Will we be a family of three? Again this was not what we had expected when we set out to have a family. While going back to cycle again was hard to wrap my head around, 20 weeks of bed rest was impossible to wrap my head around. Not fair to Rolyn, not fair to Davis, just not fucking fair at all. When I was in the hospital there were several women on on the floor who had little ones that came to visit, they always left screaming for mommy. Always. For me the difference is this: it's one thing to be pregnant and have someone tell you that you must go to the hospital or lose this child. No question there. Of course you DO IT. Of course. But getting pregnant knowing beforehand this is a very real possibility? Just didn't sit right with me. I know there are women out there that have done this, and I am not slighting any of you. But just like with any of this infertility life, we each have our limits of when to say when. No one can judge another's limits. For me, for us for my family we have reached ours.

We have dropped the second insurance that covered me for more infertility treatments. For four+ years now I have been double covered. One plan for ART and one plan so I can go to the OB/GYN/MFM of my choice rather than an in-network doc. Most of the best docs here do not even take insurance, but paying up front and be reimbursed at 70% is better than nothing for sure.

Dropping the second plan was step one. Step two. I can barely type. My eyes have filled with tears and I can't see the screen anymore. Step two is letting go of the frozen embryo. We've been paying lots of $ to keep this one lil' dude frozen for four years. In fact at this point the cost of cryo-storage plus what it would cost to do the transfer amounts to the same as doing a whole new fresh cycle. It's not the money that is the hardest part, I think we have been in a bit of denial that we would have to make this decision at some point. We have talked about this several times in the last year, but always leave it as "yeah we should think about that." The fact that this embryo was created in the same dish as Tess & Oliver. That is has the potential to be another Davis is heartbreaking. But the time has come. To really let go. To move on.

More to come on all of this later. For now, at least, it feels good to write in all down. Get it out of my head and heart.

Last night Rolyn and I caught this documentary on PBS about these two crazy guys from Queens who took a 2+ year journey following the steps of Marco Polo It was incredible. At one point they were in Tibet and one of the explorers said, "You cannot worry about yesterday. Yesterday is gone. You cannot worry about tomorrow, it's not here yet. Life is happening right now. Today. In this moment." I couldn't look at Rolyn because I knew we were thinking the exact same thing.

Opportunity to make a difference.

2008-12-10T13:06:00.004-05:00

Check out this and send your congressman an email.
YES WE CAN.

p.s. coolmompicks rocks the house on finding the latest and greatest. I keep hoping I'm going to win one of the daily give-a-ways. :)

Showering with HOPE instead of soap.

2008-12-05T00:14:00.003-05:00

If you look up keep-on-keepin'-on in the dictionary, you will surely find a picture of Antigone.

Today the internets are showering her with some hope for the final push (yeah, I know, baaaaad pun) to get her through to the other side.

Thankful.

2008-11-25T12:39:00.003-05:00

This is my favorite time of the year.
Thanksgiving for me is too many people squeezed into too little space.
Wall to wall palettes of children sleeping shoulder to shoulder.
Speed (the card game) marathons.
Lots of yummy food. Lots.
Hiding a slice of Granny's chocolate pie, because you cannot possible squeeze it in but if you don't take it now there will not be any left for later.
The Turkey Trot downtown Dallas with the whole family.
Dominos (not the pizza)
Afternoon naps.
Everyone together and loving it, even when a bit of dysfunction rears it's ugly head I still love it. Because what IS family without a touch of dysfunction anyway?

Last year was the Barf-O-Rama year. And it was still great.

This year because of the unusually high cost of airline tickets we will not be traveling to be with the whole gang.
It will be a quiet weekend just the three of us at our lil' cabin in the woods upstate. Thankfully we will have video chat (from inside the car stealing, um, borrowing, someone's wifi) so we will still get to "see" everyone. But the chaos will be missed as much as the chocolate pie and fried turkey, yeah I said fried, don't knock it 'til you try it.

Tonight we'll have just a taste of my traditional Thanksgiving as my best friend of 32+ plus years will arrive with her family.
Count 'em :: two adults, four kids ages 2-10, three nieces ages 12-16, all crammed into our lil' 1,000 sq ft. 2bdrm. Woohoo! I can't wait.
Tomorrow we will then leave them in our pad to enjoy NYC while we escape it.

I've been making a list of all the things I'm thankful for and it's incredibly long. Which that itself, is another thing on the list.

I was so inspired by Barack Obama's acceptance speech, especially this part:

“America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves: If our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time — to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.”
Barack Obama, November 4th, 2008

I sent out an email to friends and family and co-workers and collected t-shirt to make into baby hats. While I'm counting my blessing this Thanksgiving, I will also be sewing up some hats! I have enough t-shirts so far to make 100+ hats.

The Caps to Cap-Haitien Project: A Partnership with Konbit Sante, will initially provide newborn jersey caps to be distributed in Safe Birthing Kits in northern Haiti.

Our life circumstances may be so very different from one another, but as women and mothers, we share so very much in common - the most basic being our desire to keep our children safe and healthy from the moment of birth onward. Please read on to find out how you can contribute to this project in a simple but meaningful way.

In northern Haiti:
Just 1 in 5 women receives skilled medical care during childbirth.
Haiti has the highest maternal mortality ratio in the Western Hemisphere.
1 in 40 women will die as a result of pregnancy complications, unsafe abortion, or obstetrical emergency.
Twelve percent of children die before the age of 5.

About Konbit Sante:
Konbit Sante is a Maine-based volunteer partnership working to save lives and improve health care in northern Haiti. In Haitian Creole, a konbit is a traditional method of working together to till your friends' and neighbors fields as well as your own - a cooperative effort. Sante means health. The name defines their commitment to address the staggering health problems in northern Haiti where most lack basic care and live without running water.

One aspect of their work involves OB/GYN care. Konbit Sante is working to assemble Safe Birthing Kits to be distributed by traditional birth attendants in the desperately poor Fort St. Michel area of Cap-Haitien. These kits - consisting of plastic sheeting, hand sanitizer, a sterile piece of string and razor blade, and these newborn baby caps - have the potential to reduce infant and maternal mortality, and give babies a safer, healthier start.

For more details check out mamatomama.org

Alive again.

2008-11-05T00:58:00.005-05:00

Brooklyn is full of celebration tonight, as is the rest of NYC and apparently the world.
Happy phone calls from Texas and Sydney.
I am exhausted and relieved.
I will fall asleep to words I believe in
"Yes we can. Yes we can. Yes we can."

Hoping the "grown ups" get it right too.

2008-11-04T18:21:00.000-05:00

I tried to post the results...but without any luck. So you"ll have to here.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T10:11:00.002-04:00

First & Second here.

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

2008-10-14T09:50:00.000-04:00

I'm a bit late on this...
Thank you Anitgone for getting this rolling.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Two.

2008-08-04T09:48:00.002-04:00

The fastest two years of my life have passed. How is this child two? Rolyn and I still look at her while she sleeps and simply cannot believe she is here. We are in awe of her every day.

This little baby (in mine and her father's eyes only) is now shockingly soooooo big. She is running and jumping. She is talking in paragraphs. She's cooking in her new kitchen. She is putting her babies to bed. While riding in the car she is playing "I spy with my little eye" and actually comprehending the rules. She is hunting fish and tadpoles with her Daddy upstate. She is literally begging him to jump into the swimming hole while holding her, saying "JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!" She loves with her whole being. She can turn up the cute factor to 11. And boy can she throw a fit.

She is our ultimate joy. Our light.

Happy Birthday sweet Davis. Happy Birthday.

The fighter

2008-07-20T11:05:00.002-04:00

As it turns out little Lily is a fighter.
She arrived early Friday morning, pink and screaming.
She has been doing better than expected and will have her first (of many) surgery on Tuesday.
Her Mom and Dad are hanging in there too.
Please keep sending those good thoughts her way.

Baby Lily

2008-07-17T07:07:00.002-04:00

Baby Lily is coming today, if she's not already here.
Baby Lily has a serious heart defect.
Baby Lily will have to have major heart surgery within hours of her birth.

Please send some love, and strength and HOPE to Baby Lily and her Mom & Dad, for the road that lies ahead.

6 x 6 : July 2008

2008-07-11T05:00:00.000-04:00

1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
Before losing Tess and Oliver I was ignorant to what true fear feels like. Lying in a hospital bed hoping, praying (to anyone that would listen) and waiting. Wanting so much to believe what everyone was saying to me :: be strong :: pray :: these babies are meant to be Heather, everything is going be ok :: And then they came. Silently. Even though moments before they were tumbling inside of me. They were gone forever.
Now there are times when fear grips me at the most unexpected moment. I can visualize the worst happening again, though in a different way. Even while I hope the worst has already happened. I fear the other shoe dropping again. Once you've been in the 1%, the unlucky side of one percent, 99% will never ever feel safe. Fear.

2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
Two small stars tattooed on my wrist where my pulse can be felt. Little hearts beating within my own. They are also alive in my living daughter's laughter and smile. Mostly a happy feeling though lying underneath that pure happiness is a longing to hear and see in triplicate.

3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
So many wonderful words and actions. One that stands out was a coworker who came into my office on my first day back to work. He just came into my office with a small, quietly sincere smile and kind of shrugged his shoulders. There was nothing to say to make it all better. It is still amazing to me that this nothing meant everything. I felt completely understood. My pain acknowledged perfectly.

4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
One. A friend compared the loss of my children to the loss of a parent in trying to explain away extremely hurtful actions and words. While I cannot imagine what it will feel like to lose either my mother or my father I do know that one day I will. I do not look forward to this day but I hope it happens in this order, them and then me, because no parent should ever know the pain of losing a child. I would give anything for a memory of what my babies' voices sounded like, what their smiles looked like, what their hugs felt like. Losing a parent vs. losing a child. Apples and oranges. My (ex)friend. Apples and oranges.
Two. Husband of (ex)friend above, 10 weeks after the birth of his child as well as 10 weeks after the death of my own. (This is an excerpt of a long email. Not that I'm making excuses.) "You can hang on to what you've lost, or hang on to what you have but the reality of it is, it's been difficult having friends be so negative during out happiest moment." No further explanation needed.

5 | What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
To let go. To stop asking "why?" and/or second guessing everything that happened in regards to Tess & Oliver dying. I haven't stopped yet. I'm not sure that day will ever fully come. Thankfully the once constant conversation in my head has softened to mostly background noise, though there are still moments where the signal comes through loud and clear.

6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
Before :: Strong. Constant. Present. Loving.
Immediately after :: Weak. Needy. Distracted. Lost. Unreachable. Unpredictable.
As the days, weeks, months and years have passed :: Circles and waves of, Awareness. Strength. Weakness. Love. Disconnection.

6 x 6 : May 2008

2008-07-11T04:55:00.000-04:00

1 | In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after?
Hard to remember the before. After :: wary, on-guard.

2 | How do you feel around pregnant women?
Uncomfortable. Worried for them.

3 | How do you answer the 'how many children' question?
Whenever this question is asked I go through many answers in my head in the .2 seconds before responding.
I have two babies that died at birth, and one living.
One living angel and two not.
She is my third child but the only one living.
I'm batting a thousand with this answer "One."

4 | How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?
We will tell Davis about her brother and sister when she is old enough to understand. Hopefully by then I will understand too.

5 | What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?
Another pregnancy meant hope. And brought much fear and anxiety. Luckily we made it to (almost) term and had a big healthy baby girl at 35.5 weeks. I desperately want more children but fear that the road ahead with another ivf and 20 weeks of bed rest would, one, be unfair to my friends and family, and two, not work anyway.

6 | Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?
Don't forget to breathe.

How can you mend a broken heart?

2008-07-11T04:48:00.003-04:00

You can't. Ever. Or at least not get it back to what it was before.

The wonderful amazing Glow In The Woods a place of love and support and sharing. Tears, Laughter, & Snark. Much needed in the world of babylost mamas. I despise the fact there are so many of us, but am thankful to live during a time that allows us to connect so easily. I've been reading since day one, hate to admit I'm lurker. I have even written my 6 by 6 but never posted them. I cannot explain the reasons why, even to myself.

Been up since 3:30. Maybe it's the sleeplessness that is making me move on it. But right after posting this, I'll be hitting publish.

Out of it.

2008-06-10T13:44:00.005-04:00

I had a post in my head today, written as I rode on a crowded train. It even had a bit of humor. Because lordy did I need a laugh this morning stuffed on a steamy-hot-sticky train.

So I decided to post it, wha? What a new approach for me. Actually posting.

Anywho, I went to thegoogle to find the exact wording for a quote from Kurt Vonnegut that started the post, and discovered, he died.
Last.
Year.

April 12, 2007

I can't believe I missed that. Not sure how I missed it.

Discovering this deleted the post in my head.

4/12 is also Tess and Oliver's birthday. Which is another thing that struck me as I read KV's obituary. The fact that I have dead babies, and I always will.

Not giving up

2008-04-22T21:05:00.003-04:00

Three Years.

2008-04-12T09:03:00.002-04:00

My dearest Tess & Oliver,
Your tiny toes have marked our hearts forever.
We miss you every day.
Love,
Mommy & Daddy & your lil' sis Davis Lee.

You Are Fabulous.

2008-04-10T19:57:00.004-04:00

Saturday night I went to a girlfriend's fortieth birthday part. It was dinner for just about, if not exactly, forty girlfriends. The invite started out by saying "You Are Fabulous!"

It was a blast. Perfect location. Lots of amazing women. I have to say in the last several years I've been pretty buttoned up and closed off. Not big on small talk with anyone, and definitely not with anyone I didn't already know. I wasn't putting my self out there in any form or fashion. But for whatever reason, could have been the champagne, I talked to people...people I didn't know before Saturday. I surprised myself at how much fun I had.

Good Food. Good Music. Good People. Good Times.

There was a tarot card reader there...and I decided hey why not? I sat down and she told me to ask her one question. I was unprepared for that, so I said, "What happens next?" Knowing in my heart what that meant...but she laughed and said, "Sorry Charlie, you need to be more specific than that." So I replied, "Will my family grow in numbers or will it stay the same?"
This is what she said...

She laid out several cards and said, You have a child? Yes, I said.
She laid out another card and said, A girl? Yes.
Oh, Soul mate. You're with the right partner. Forever partner.
He is starting a business. It will be successful. btw, YOU should start your own business as well, but you already know that.
Then she drew the "art card" and said that it had been coming up all night, which wasn't surprising given the creative bunch in attendance...but she said mine was different. I was a designer she asked? Yes I said. Interior? No. Oh, then graphic. Yup.
Then she said I keep drawing one more child but I feel two. The cards say one more girl, a sister. But I see two. And they are of different sex. One boy and one girl. Hmmmm. I said. Trying not to completely break down. I knew she was talking about Tess and Oliver. In one way it was comforting that she felt them so strongly that she was going against what she was reading in cards. And in another it was just heart breaking knowing they are part of my family but not here.

Tess and Oliver's birthday is rapidly approaching. Just two days away.
Three years.
And it still hurts. A lot.

A Little Posting Off Topic for a Change.

2008-04-08T21:35:00.004-04:00

Soooooo the old place is still NOT completely cleaned out. UGH. Years of stuff to go through, toss, keep, toss, keep.

We finally do see the light at the end of the tunnel. The exciting part has been the major purge this move has forced upon us. Er, well it will be exciting once it is o-vah.

The move/purge/selling of stuff has been full of stress and thankfully laughter. Posting priceless (ha!) items for sale on eeeeeeebay and cccccraigslist and a sundry other online venues to sell the crap you no longer want, there have been many many moments of wtf? and omg! and wow. Always topped with pure laughter. We've found that most people that send inquiries have not actually read your carefully-written-listing-so-as-to-not-leave-out-any-important information. They have funny ways of asking questions in less than five word emails. There was one email back and forth that literally went on for days and the more ridiculous places we took it the more we laughed and the longer it continued.

Now that I have your curiosity peaked, here's the conversation.
Each line is a separate email, in total.

"NobleHustler":
do you meet in person?
--
Sent from my T-moblie Sidekick

R:
if someone wants the camera yes.

"NobleHustler":
am in brooklyn. do you have more pic?
--
Sent from my T-moblie Sidekick

R:
No. In fact, the pictures shown are not even this actual camera. I pulled them from the internet because it's the exact same camera and it's a basic 35mm camera. It's in perfect condition, and there's really not much to showing
different angles to it.

I am not at that apartment right now, so wouldn't be able to show you tonight.

If interested I can set up a time with you that works.

"NobleHustler":
thursday or friday
--
Sent from my T-moblie Sidekick

R:
thursday 3:30am

"NobleHustler":
where at?
--
Sent from my T-moblie Sidekick

R:
under the brooklyn bridge

"NobleHustler":
it ok forget it
--
Sent from my T-moblie Sidekick

R:
okay, williamsburg bridge.

"NobleHustler":
y dat late
--
Sent from my T-moblie Sidekick

R:
don't speak italian, what u mean? u want 2 c it at strbux so u can get latte?

"NobleHustler":
why that late? am p.rican
--
Sent from my T-moblie Sidekick

We almost kept it going, but R starting feeling guilty and told him he was just messin' with him. We still have the camera. Who needs reality tv when you have email conversations like this? And just in case you had the wrong idea, the change of heart and why R decided to keep the camera had nothing to do with this dude being p.rican.

A wee bit o' green fer ya.

2008-03-17T21:17:00.001-04:00

Cha cha cha changes

2008-02-05T22:04:00.000-05:00

So far 2008 is The Year of Change.

We found out that we have to move when we paid January rent. It's all fairly boring zoning changes, commercial space, no C of O & blah blah blah. Bottom line? We have to move. We've been in this place going on seven years. And as much as I have complained about drafty windows, doors banging in the hallway, heavy walking neighbors, more than gentle sloping floors, no bath tub, no doors etc....I'm going to miss this place. When I first moved in, it was just me and my dogs. Fairly quickly followed by R and the kitty. It's the kind of place when I was young and dreamed of NYC I imagined everyone lived in. High ceilings, kind of industrial (as my Mom describes it, "it doesn't look like much from the outside, but once you get in, it's nice!") lots of windows and light and big wide open s p a c e. It makes the first closet posing as an apartment I lived in look like a palace.

After getting over the shock of omg we have to move, translate to 'we have to get rid of lots and lots and LOTS of shit,' and feeling like a bit of an asshole for ever complaining about this place, I kind of got excited at the thought of a fresh start somewhere new.

We've been through so much in this place. Lots of extremes. And inbetweens. Really high highs and the lowest lows. We watched two towers fall, not on television like most of the world, but literally in our backyard. We lost a grandfather, a great uncle and a great uncle who was like a grandfather. We planned our wedding in this place. We hosted lots of really great celebrations here. Friends getting married, friends newly married, milestone birthdays, NYC bloody mary-thons, drink-everything-in-the-liquor-cabinet brunches, a spontaneous "WHAT? Whadaya mean you never played quarters?" game, and we rang in many a New Year. Davis' first birthday party - number one on the celebration list. The first time I ever cooked my Granny's chicken 'n dumplings (for TEN people, what was I thinking?) was here and they were yummy, phew. We first said good-bye to two loved dogs, and then quickly had to say good-bye to two very wanted very loved babies. We holed up and wished we could just disappear after losing Tess and Oliver. We only left here when we absolutely had to. This was the only place that felt safe, just the two of us, alone, for a very long time. While I can't say we're over losing our babies, because we will never be over it, I can say we've healed a bit and the two of us are stronger than either of us could have imagined. I spent 10 weeks in bed here pregnant with Davis and then six more in the hospital dreaming of coming back here. Of course I never allowed myself to imagine her here until we walked through the door. Home. I will never forget that day, the day we brought our baby HOME.

We've found a new place. One with two real bedrooms with doors and walls that reach the ceiling. Not one but two real bathrooms, one complete with a tub for Boo. And, excuse me while I muffle the Hallelujah Chorus so you don't miss this, a FULL SIZED washer and dryer. Can I get an AMEN! Just when you think it could not get any better, well let's throw in a parking spot. This perk will be lost on those of you not concerned with alternate side parking. I'll just say not having to move your car to other side of the road 4 out of 7 days a week rates right up there with a dishwasher and W/D. We won't talk about the rent. It is the only down side. And my glass is lookin' pretty damn full right now. So I'm chalking it up to this: for seven years we lived in a HUGE space for nuthin' (NYC standard of nuthin') Our landlords raised the rent once during that run, and even then the increase was only 3% which is basically rent control rates. We had a great time while the party lasted.

I'm sad to leave my neighbors. Two in particular. One big and one small. But then not so sad to leave the ones with whom things got uncomfortably uncomfortable. A little space there has been needed for a long time...and I can't say I'm hopeful it will change anything, but my forever motto is kicking my ass on this one. "Two words to use with caution or maybe better to refrain using all together: Always and Never." And I think that could apply.

Moving On. Moving Forward. I can feel the change already. It's lighter. Both in weight and in brightness.

And as if THAT wasn't enough change! I'm starting a new job March 4. So very very excited by this. It actually kind-of-sort-of fell in my lap. I was just about to update my portfolio, gearing up for a new job search when I had lunch with a friend. She happens to work for an old freelance client of mine. And wham bam! I have a job offer and a hefty salary increase, which is nice timing for the above rent increase that not so ironically starts at the same time. Outside of the extra cash and change of scenery, there are lots of things that make this job awesome. 1. I know these people. Well. I've worked for them and with them, and a few of them for me. So there is none of that feeling of What have I done? Or fear of the unknown. 2. I did not have to show my (not-updated) portfolio! The downside of which is that I do not have an updated portfolio. But the procrastinating Gemini in me is ok with that. 3. End of 2008 their offices are moving down town...possibly only 5 stops on the train away. And that's ONE train instead of the two trains I take now. 4. It's taking me back to what I love to do, and I think I can confidently say after 17 years of work, I do well.

To put the cherry on top of my good news, R's top secret project is oh so very close to being OUT THERE. Which means that I can almost talk about it. This has been a very very very hard secret to keep. Especially when the end product exceeds my wildest dream of how cool it could be.

It's feeling like the Universe is on our side again. For real. This feeling started when Davis was born. My faith just a little bit restored. Feeling like I had hit the ceiling with my current (for two more weeks) job and then finding out we had to move, ooof, it was a sock in the belly. But somehow it all turned on dime quickly. Even going through the painful moving process feels exciting and positive. Time to purge. Out with the old, in with the new.

Now if I could just come up with six really lucky numbers...

2008?

2008-01-01T14:43:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or does it seem like yesterday we were partying like it was 1999 for realz? Everyone scrambling and worried about the Y2K effect. Which brings to me to another memory from the past: My mother has always said "the older you get the faster time flies" ugh. I would roll my eyes so hard I'm surprised they never stuck in the back of my head, which is another thing my mother loved to tell me. Sigh. She was right. She was so right. I'm sure she would be delighted to hear me say that.

Christmas is o-vah. Yay! I'm not big on the over commercialized how much money can we spend on things that people do not need, oh and btw happy birthday jesus holiday. Wait, it's not that I'm some kind of grinch. I love Christmas music, and getting all of those holiday cards (even the letters with! all! the! exclamation! points! when! talking! about! 2007!) and Christmas lights and all the trimmings. And if I could hear about someone doing this every day in December, I'd be all for this holiday. But all the talk of buying this and buying that and spend spend spend, really just kind of brings me down. I'd rather have Thanksgiving twice a year personally.

But. My dear and loving husband bought me the best gift ever. This is now stitching up magic at my place! Ok not magic but it feels like magic. It's like it can sew all by itself. I had no idea what I'd been putting up with in my old machine. Yes it was 20 years old. But a machine is a machine, right? Uh, no. This puppy rocks the house and blows that ole thing right out of the water. I guess R finally got tired of me cussing at my old machine. He did all the research and then went to way-the-hell-out-there-Queens and bought the PERFECT machine. Oh, how I love this man.

I've been thinking about starting another blog, not walking away from this one, but a second one. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, I don't have time to keep up with this blog, much less add another. And that is a very true statement. But in true Gemini fashion. I have another side. This blog was started in a moment of pure grief and frustration. It's a record of my road to Davis (and my life now) and a memory to Tess & Oliver. It's still recording my feelings and thoughts. And honestly I wish I had written more of it down, because this is really just a blip of the last few years.

Then there is this other side of me that is mostly happy. That loves to make things. And I've been wanting to record that stuff too. So we'll see, stay tuned. I just might get my act together and do it.

Here's to another year flying by at warp speed.
And to my new machine that sews at warp speed. woohoo!

I hope 2008 is a wonderful year for all.

fa la la la la, la la la waaah?

2007-12-24T21:37:00.000-05:00

Christmas is here. Only a few more gifts to wrap. Santa? Little miss doesn't quite get Santa this year. But gifts? Yeah she gets gifts. We can't turn our backs for a second without her tearing into a gift. Yes, they are put up high. But the child is tall. T-A-L-L. More than half as tall as me at only 16 months. And spunky too. The in-laws are in town and she has turned up the cute to eleven. She has the grandparents right where she has had her Daddy for months now. Putty in her teeny little hands. It's amazing. I suspect once she starts really talking that I could possibly be figuring out where to put a pony in a one room city apartment. I don't think there will be anything they will deny this child! Pony in the city? Sure little one, what ever you want!

She's doing amazing things and I'm more in love with her every day. I could cry every time she grabs a book and backs up to sit in my lap. Oh how long I've waited for this moment. I'm seriously soaking up every second.

I think I'm settling in to the idea that she is it. Never ever thought I'd only have one child, but I just can't get my head around it any other way. I'm so ready to be over the conversations in my head. And the waiting, the WAITING. Living at two week intervals. ugh. It's for the birds. Even "leaving it up to fate" and not doing any more ART, just see if it happens in the "old fashion" way (ha. ha. ha. is all I have to say to that.) But even doing that it's still in my head. Not in the I'm-thinking-of-it-every-second kind of way, but it's there. And I'm ready to, in one way or another, to be done with it. It's too painful. This month I was incredibly hormonal and had convinced myself that maybe? I even went out and spent cash on a flipping test and poas at work. WHITE AS SNOW. ugh. The last time I poas I swore to myself I'd never do that to myself again. And that was years ago. And there I went. That damn SNOW WHITE stick. ugh.

Davis is perfect. I am so so so lucky to have this child. She is enough. Doesn't mean I don't want her to have a sibling or that I'm not mourning every bit of the babyness that is rapidly fading into toddlerness.

So there you go. That said I have to leave it open as I could change my mind in the next five minutes and R and I have yet to sit down and really really really really talk this whole thing through.

::TRUE STORY::
On my way home from work today I traveled through the subway switching from one train to the next and I passed a nice looking elderly woman sitting on a bench. She said something to me that almost made me drop every package I was carrying. In an instant I felt as if the oxygen had been sucked out of me. She looked at me and smiled and I tried my best not to fall to pieces. I think I managed a smile back at her. I was in a bit of shock. I looked around me, desperate to find the person she was really talking to. Because it couldn't be me. But there was no one. Just me in my red coat loaded up with too many gifts to comfortably carry. All of this happened in a split second and after I passed, I turned to look back...I just wanted to know if she was real. If what just happened was real. She was still there. And she was still looking right at me. Still smiling.

Words. Letters jumbled together that make sounds.
What do they mean really? Nothing? Everything?

These words shot through me like an arrow.
They will be with me for a very long time.

She said, "I hope you have a little baby boy."

Remember that scene...

2007-12-11T22:38:00.000-05:00

...from Stand By Me where they boys are telling stories around the fire...and one is about the kid that gets fed up with being bullied. Literally fed up. He created a major scene at the pie eating contest.

A Barf-O-Rama

Pretty much sums up Thanksgiving. Half the people in attendance went home with the stomach flu. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, thankfully most waited until they got home to start with symptoms. Davis alone used up most of the clean towels in my parent's house when the virus hit me, I mean, her. Poor little lady. It's impossible to explain to a 15 month old 1. That she is sick. It's not permanent. and 2. That she is sick. No, sorry, you can't have any milk. Or that banana. You will just throw it up (on me) again. Luckily for Davis, Mimi didn't understand that either. Same with my five nieces that were veryveryveryveryveryveryveryvery concerned. In the end, she got her banana and some pedialyte and a private concert featuring said nieces singing 'wheels on the bus' and surprised us all that she held everything down. She was also introduced to this box called a tv and big goof of a purple dinosaur. What IS it about this dino? I just don't get it. Sesame St. I get. Big purple dinos? Not so much. She spent the rest of her time in Texas walking around with a B video tape begging, no demanding, anyone to put "Ba" on NOW. Always with a signed Please and Thank You. Because those ARE the magic words after all. The stuff even rubbed off on me!

Most everyone left Mom & Dad's house on Saturday morning. Davis started in Sat. night. The phone calls kept coming, all beginning with "insertnamehere is sick." Rolyn and were worried. Knowing we had a plane ride ahead of us, every call that came in was torture. Would we get it? Most importantly WHEN? On Sunday after my sister and her family left we got a call that they were sick too. Rolyn screamed "Can we just get it already? The anticipation is killing me!" We opted out of visiting anyone we had planned to see as we didn't want to get families sick. Thankfully we stayed away.

Can you guess where this story is going? I bet you can guess part of it. But never, ever in a million year will you guess all of it.

Tuesday afternoon we get all packed and ready to head to the airport. Mom check with AA and finds out we are delayed by 2 hours. grrrr. Rolyn starts complaining his stomach is not "right" uh, oh. Off to the airport. Checked in. Extra (free) seat for Davis. yay! Delayed another 30 minutes. boo! Rolyn not feeling good. He's lying down on the floor at the gate. Plane arrives. We board. Take off. Davis falls asleep instantly. yay! Rolyn collects all the air sick bags and puts in his seat pocket. Then he notices a full row empty so he takes off to lie down. I proceed to watch HS Musical (another wha? for me. right up there with the purple dino) Have a drink. Eat a bagel. Let Davis stretch out on the empty two seats next to me. "This all worked out just fine," I think to myself.

And then out of NOWHERE. I feel sick. WHAT??!! I have .5 seconds to lunge across Davis to grab the air sick bags, open one and well...BARF-O-Rama. I ring for the flight attendant. It's only been 2 maybe 3 seconds from "we're all good" to this particular moment. This is when I notice that the air sick bag Does. Not. Hold. Liquid. WTF? Honestly why bother? Is a wax coating really that spendy? By the time the flight attendant got to me, which I have to say was very fast, there was vomit everywhere. I tell her to PLEASE wake the poor soul sitting behind me as his bag might be (for sure) getting messed up a bit. UGH. Embarrassed is not the right word. Humiliated. Nope not strong enough either. The flight attendant hands me two blankets to cover the mess and tells me they will clean it when we get to NY! WHAT? That's two more hours away? Nice.

It's about this time I notice Rolyn's head pop up and he looks at me and I wave him over. He comes back and says, "you ok?" When I told him what happened he was shocked. And then he said "I have to go. That smell is about to get me going too." There's that scene from Stand By ME in my head again. Thankfully it didn't go any further than me.

Rolyn got lucky and his hit about 5am at home. Lucky Lucky.

And just in case that description wasn't graphic enough for you...yes, it really is NO FUN getting sick on an airplane. I mean I used to always think about how there could be nothing worse. Now I know. It's even worse than I had imagined. And like I've said many times before, I'm pretty good with imagining.

All that said, Barf-O-Rama and all. Thankgiving is still my favorite holiday. Fried turkey. Chocolate pie. Family. LOTS of family. This year was my second year to be thankful with every cell in my body that I have Davis. I still have to pinch myself sometimes that she is even real and most importantly HERE, alive and kicking, and screaming, kissing, loving, laughing, dancing, and on and on. Wow. Amazing.

Update

2007-11-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

Cruisin'
wow. What can I say? It was so much fun. The boat, eh, I mean I never found myself puking or even wishing I could puke, but I can't say the rocking didn't get to me some. Davis seemed to love the motion and unstable footing. Luckily our room was only 2 feet wide and she just bounced back and forth between the walls.
Motion sickness aside, it was INCREDIBLE. Just like a bunch of old friends getting together. Not one weird or awkward moment. I only wished we had had more time together. I think we all had a little bit of blues after the trip. We are already planning for a new trip in 2009!

My Superman
Well, Daddy did compete, though he dropped out of the first event after swimming one lap in the ocean. He said he felt like he had a 2,000 pound weight on his chest and could not breathe. He was very disappointed and even more felt like he let everyone down. Of course it was NOT the case, but hard to make him not feel horrible. I think having his granddaughters or at least 5 of the 6 of them, there with him cheered him up. He did sign up for next years race and the training continues. My brother in law finished in an incredible 11.5 hours. He took 3.5 hours off his time from the IronMan he finished two years ago. All I can say is Go C! wow.

This years race did have one very tragic moment. It also made everyone very glad that my father did not push himself and try to compete without oxygen. A woman from Dallas and in the extended training group of my BIL's died. Yes, she died. 42 years old, in the best shape of her life. She died. She was pulled from the ocean after grabbing a hold of one of the safety canoes and saying "Help." She went under and they pulled her out. She never regained consciousness. Her three children were standing on the shore waiting to cheer her on to the bike event. Her husband was already in the bike portion and had to be located and taken to the hospital. She was on life support for several days before they said, "She's gone." There will never be answers on what happened. It's truly tragic. She was competing in this race to raise money for a Family Grief Support Center that had helped her and her three very young children after her husband was killed in a car accident 5 years ago. She remarried 2 years ago and now this. All I can think about is those poor children. And again those questions of WHY? Her husband and family and training partners said such amazing words about her and how in the end she would be happy hearing that she more than tripled her fundraising goal, and that the money was continuing to come in. She also gave life to many people as all of her organs were donated. But it's still tragic. Hard to think about how fragile we humans can be. One more reason to live every day to the fullest.

Two important but competely unrealted things. Cruisin' with Pinnies and My Superman

2007-11-01T20:13:00.000-04:00

CRUISIN':
We're off on Saturday to take a cruise down to the Bahamas. I've never been on a cruise before and am slightly anxious about the whole boat thing. But we're meeting up with the Pinnies and the excitement is canceling out the anxiety. My Pinnies is a group of women that started out on a public message board of women trying to conceive. Our specific thread was about using acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine to boost your fertility. It grew into our own semi-private group. A public informational site is in the works as between the lot of us we are going through and have been through it ALL. The highs and lows of TTC. Births, miscarriages, maybe I am!, no I'm not, failed IVF cycles, cancelled IVF cycles, positive IVF cycles, donor egg cycles, donor embryo cycles, waiting for International adoptions, waiting for domestic adoptions, crazy effed-up cycles, bad genetic test results, premature ovarian failure, peri-menapause, surprise! pregnancies all around us, gaining weight, losing weight, family/friend relationships suffering, premature labor, NICU stays, bed rest, and losing babies.

I myself have gone through a few crappy things on that list and I am so thankful for these women. They have pulled me through more than one dark moment. Saved me from myself. I've only met a few of them in real life, but they are truly real friends, in every sense of the word. A few have traveled through NYC and we've gotten together and it's never felt strange of awkward...just like old friends getting together. I am so looking forward to meeting everyone in the flesh. No more virtual hugs. We're talking the real deal here. Everyone that has children is bringing their "Pinnie babes" I can't wait. One very special girl who is the same age as T&O would be will be getting her toes kissed. Her mother and I got our positive tests on the same day. What a Christmas gift it was! I know it's been hard on E to not feel... I don't want to say guilty, It's not the right word...maybe it's best to just say she feels. But little R is a REAL MIRACLE and she is so loved by her parents and by her pinnie aunties. Each of these pinnie babies, (actually, any baby) is a miracle. I just think once you know down to the very last minute detail of what has to happen for babies to be conceived, incubated, and safely delivered...you can't say they are anything but a miracle.

I've gotten a little off track. I think it's because it's hard/impossible for me to describe my true feelings of love and gratitude for these women. They are from all walks of life, from all parts of this world and they are my true true friends. I am so excited to finally meet them and for them to meet Davis.

MY SUPERMAN:
My father is Superman. Not in disguise, he's the real deal. Maybe every little girl thinks their father is Superman? But mine really is. No need for a cape or tights or an S on his chest to recognize it.

For as long as I can remember my Dad has been a doer. Determination and Perseverance are his middle names. He's always been active, running, tennis, golf, etc. He's always been involved in EVERY part of mine and my sister's lives. Even when we were younger and he traveled a lot, we always had a note in our lunch from him. I look back and think of how ungrateful I was at the time! I remember thinking, "S.T. has a Reese's in her lunch bag! And I get a poem from my Dad? Yippee." I'd give anything to have saved those napkins with daily poems from Daddy. He's always given back to others in the community and especially less fortunate than himself. When he worked downtown, he always packed two lunches. One he left on the same bench on his way in to work. He would look out his window when he arrived in his office and the lunch would always be gone. I thought that was so cool when I was little, still do.

He's always done what he thinks is right, despite it not being popular. I graduated high school in 1987. He was president of the school board at the time. He made all of the school campuses in our town non-smoking. Way before his time on that one. Even the outdoor sections were non-smoking. No teachers smoking, no parents smoking NOBODY. Let me just say that he was NOT a very popular dude. Hate is not a strong enough word to describe some people's feeling toward my Dad. But he really believed in it, and he got enough people behind him to make it happen. He didn't care if he was gaining enemies. I could list lots of things like this.

Speaking of lists: Before he turned 40 he had this List of things he wanted to do before he turned 40. Run a marathon, check. 100 mile bike race, check. It went on changed as the years passed by, things were marked "done" and new things were added. 40 came and went and the list became what to do before he turned 50. Skydiving, check. This one he took me along for the ride, or should I say jump. But we didn't do the standard tandem jump where you are attached to an instructor. He said, "I'm doing this ONCE and I'll do it on my own." So we took a course and jumped by ourselves! You had two instructors holding on until you pulled your own rip cord...so you're semi-protected, or as much as you could be. Mom was not happy about this one. But wow, it was incredible to share that with him. He took me on a trip to Costa Rica backpacking with doctors and dentists aiding the very very poor. We built a school together in Chile. We climbed to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro and stood at the highest point in Africa. Together. He's taught me so much, not through only his words but through his actions. Mind over matter, do not give up. Ever. He climbed Kili with a pinched nerve in his neck that only hurt when he was "Standing, sitting, or lying down." I'm pretty sure camping in Africa for three weeks and hiking up a really tall mountain falls under at least one of those. No one else on our team even knew it, he never complained. Not once.

I haven't done everything with him. I'm not that crazy! As the years have gone by he's completed several marathons, one up a mountain to the top of Pike's Peak CO, several 100 M bike races, bungee jumped, built homes for the poor in Mexico, it goes on and on.

One thing on his list has been there from the start. The Iron Man. Yup. That's a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run. None of which sound completely nuts until you realize all of this is expected to be completed in the. Same. Day. In fact less than a day. You have to finish under 18 hours to get your medal.

My sister's husband completed an Iron Man last year. So that started wheels turning. Literally. Let the training begin! The race is this Saturday in Florida. Unfortunately my Dad got sick last week. BAD flu bug. I don't ever EVER remember my Dad being sick. Even when he was, he was always, "Fine." Doctor schmoctor. Miss a day of work!?! No way. So we were all pretty worried when he missed five days of work in a row and went to the doctor TWICE. I am hoping he doesn't try to push it...but something tells me now that he feels "85.4% better" he'll be competing. And I have a weird feeling that he'll finish too, maybe one second under 18 hours, but he will finish.

Even if he doesn't, he will still be Superman to me.

How's that for catching up on the ole blog? Whole lotta words, huh?

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T20:59:00.000-04:00

No costumes for Mummy & Daddy this year.
I'm sure one day Davis will thank us for that.

This year Davis dressed up like a lightening bug. So far it's proven difficult to get a good shot. Black net wings, green blinking tail lights AND little antennae. You can get one maybe two, but all three?
No way.
Or maybe I should say, not yet.

So this will have to do for now...

WHY?

2007-10-24T21:03:00.000-04:00

My week started out with a miracle being born. Faith restored.

Today I found out one of the models that we work with a lot gave birth to her baby at 18 weeks. She got an infection and her water broke and her baby was born perfect but too teeny to live. This was another baby that had been wanted & waited for years...I just don't understand it. It feels so mean. I find myself aksing WHY? WHY? WHY? over and over.

I spoke with her on the phone and she is in the surreal state of shock where you just feel like this is all a nightmare that you will surely wake from...even while you are planning a funeral...even while your milk comes in and there is no baby to feed...even when you wake up in the night and feel relief for one second and then wake a bit more and realize that no, it wasn't a nightmare, it really did happen.

She told me the story of what happened down to every last detail. I remember doing this too. Every time I told someone I was hoping somewhere in the telling of every detail of what I drank, ate, felt that day, there would be an answer to WHY? She told me about her daughter's toes and how beautiful they were. In a flash I was back in the delivery room holding Tess and Oliver and burning the image of their toes into my memory. A few weeks later I was sitting in a hot tub in Napa surrounded by wonderful friends in the most gorgeous place when I looked down and realized Tess' toes looked. Just. Like. Mine. Sweet and devastating all in the same breath. Tears poured every morning and every evening on that trip. And they still do. Like today. Like Monday when I saw P with her baby.

I stopped praying for things a long time ago. While some people find a sense of calm in their faith, even in the storm of great tragedy, I have found it does not help me. My family is very devout and while I believe in some form of higher power, I do not believe there is a G*d sitting up there dolling out miracles to some and "testing" others with tragedy. I can't get my head around that concept. But today I found myself praying, not sure to who or what, but I said a prayer for this beautiful woman who will be the most wonderful mother...that one day she'll be out of this dark place and will be on the other side too. I'm looking for that fast forward button that P and I wished for so many times over the last eight months. Again I want to jump to the end of the book and know that it's a happy ending. And then I said a prayer for every woman I know still waiting to become a mother. And finally one of thanks for my very own miracle, for P&J's miracle, for A's miracle, for P's double miracle and all the babies that have been born happy and healthy even with the odds stacked against them.

My heart still feels heavy today. I still want to know WHY.
And I am mad because there will never be an answer to that question.

I think I was a sailor in a past life.

2007-10-22T23:42:00.000-04:00

To the lovely family members of P&J,
Please accept this apology for offending your ears. My mother would collapse if she read the curse words peppered throughout this blog. Really she "raised me better than that." When P said she forwarded the address to all of you, I was so honored and then I said "oh no!" It was really late when R asked "What are you doing?" I explained I was deliberating doing a quick edit to "clean up my blog" I think it was a good five minutes before the laughter stopped. I went back to it the next morning and R said "Give it up. That's you and how you felt in those moments. Do not change a word of it." And then under his breath with a snicker, he said, "Not to mention, it would be nearly impossible to do that AND go to work today."

So here it is. The un-cut not-yet-rated version of ME.
Just please don't tell my Mom.
Thanks.
xo
Heather

P.S. It was so wonderful to meet you all.
Congratulations on the latest addition to the family!
Can you believe SHE is finally here!

What it feels like...

2007-10-22T21:00:00.000-04:00

Ever wonder what it feels like to hold your breath for months and months and months. To know that everyone around you just wants it ALL to work out, and how that pressure while all good and very well intended is, just that, pressure.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Check. Fear? Check. Faith?...ummmmmm....yes and no. Hope? Love? Desire? Determination? Joy? Courage? Check, check, check...

Basically take every pure raw emotion you've ever felt, multiply it by a gazillion, and that's what it feels like to lose children and then get pregnant again.

Yay! You're pregnant.
Oh. Um. Wait.
You're pregnant.

And then it's time. IT. IS. TIME.
And your head spins, because "How can it possibly be time?" Just yesterday, it all felt so far away, overwhelmingly faaaaaar away. But no, it's time, it's NOW.

In one blink of an eye (or at least that's how it feels) 2 tons are lifted off your shoulders, off your chest, you can breathe. "Oh, that's what oxygen feels like."

And whoosh. A scream. A beautiful baby scream. Never have your ears heard such a joyful noise. Your heart skips a beat. Then sweet, incredible, HAPPY tears flow like a river. And finally a big long exhale.

Today P&J know what it feels like.
Their friends and family are all breathing deeply again too.
Faith restored.

SHE! was born at 12:33pm.
O.F.L.
Just a touch over 6 pounds.
SHE! is beautiful.
Perfect.
Sweet baby toes.
Rosebud lips.
A shadow of dark hair.

Little miss we've all been waiting for you.
We are so glad you are here safe and sound.

Welcome to the other side P&J!
You both did great.
Go Dr. E! How much do we all love the fab Dr. E?
Lots. Lots. Lots.

Woohoo! Let the lovin' and spoilin' commence!

Almost.

2007-10-18T20:20:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend P is having her baby on MONDAY. I want to fast forward to, mmmm, Monday 5 pm-ish. It's not that I'm worried about her or the bub. She is in the hands of Dr. E and I have complete faith in her. I am wishing for time to fly as I cannot wait for P&J to hold their baby. The road has been long and hard and filled with more anxiety and saddness than the average person could bare. And now finally the time is so close and they deserve this joy.

P is a beautiful person and is going to make the most wonderful mother.
We bonded because we share a grief that no mother should know. P's
world was crashing just as mine was finally experiencing joy. Day by
day she has made it all the way to (almost) 38 weeks. Throughout her
pregnancy I have served as an ear of someone that knows. A few emails have raised my heart rate, each ending with phew. Thankfully she passed each milestone set and now it's oh so close.

We've talked a lot about when Davis was born and how R and I felt. R
did not cut Davis' umbilical cord, they didn't place Davis on my chest
the moment she was born, as I had always pictured it, I don't even
remember having a reaction to the announcement she was a girl. I just
wanted the doctors standing by for her to check her out and tell me she
was ok. I wanted to hear a baby scream that would let me know her lungs were ok, that SHE was ok. R shot this little movie, it's when they first handed her to me. Until tonight I could not even guess how much time passed from when she was born until when she was handed to me. All of that was/is a blur really. I checked and guess what?
It was E L E V E N minutes after she was born. That would be 11:22 pm. I'm not making this up. The time code was off on our camera so R had to do some super sluething. He did a super enlarge on his watch and the time is right there. I could not believe it. And then again it all makes sense. Of course. Eleven. It's just my number.

After many failed email attempts so P&J could see this movie, I've decided to post it here. Not sure how long I'll leave it up. But here it is for now. It still makes me cry.

To my dear friend P, I'm so glad we found each other. I think we will be life long friends. I hope that you and J enjoy the last few days just the two of you. Deep breath you two. You're almost there.

What's your secret?

2007-10-09T21:58:00.000-04:00

I hadn't been here in a long time. I still love it just the same.
I've never sent anything in, maybe one day I will.
But I won't tell you, because then it wouldn't be a secret now would it.

Super Woman

2007-09-27T21:34:00.000-04:00

My assistant K is pregnant. VERY pregnant as in due, oh, 5 more days.
Today was her last day in the office. She is going to work from home until the bub arrives. Did I mention that she and her husband moved out of the city recently? So the last few months she's been commuting into the city. Which is hard enough. But pregnant? In the SUMMER. She wins in my book. And she hasn't just been showing up either, she's really been working! For the most part she has been smiling for all these months. Even through morning sickness and the heat, don't get me started on what heat does to her poor feet.

I'm praying for a quick and easy delivery. She's been so positive through this that she deserves that. I hate that what happened with Tess and Oliver has given her a tinge of apprehension. I've tried to not worry, but I have and I do. For every pregnant woman in my life, I worry, even pregnant strangers I pass, I worry. I can't help it. I just want it all to end happily. I'm ready for these women to have these bubs already! There are a few girlfriends...all due soon. Very soon. Lil' A back in Big D just had a beautiful boy. After the most complicated pregnancy. Wild. But he's here and it's a happy ending. Phew.

But back to K. She's amazing.
I'm going to miss her. Lots.
Super Woman.

I am what I am. Not what you think I am.

2007-09-20T21:16:00.000-04:00

This is not one of many many many posts that I have in my head hoping for time to actually write. Though it is connected to some of the ugliness that has seeped into my life in the last few years and one part of the "spring cleaning" I just never got around to writing about.

So here we go. I know, thankfully from the intranets I know, that being infertile is hard. Hard on yourself (in every way) hard on your relationship, hard on EVERY relationship in your life, whether spouse, friend or family. When we first started down this road I had never felt so alone. It was a dark hole filled with pain and bitterness and no light at the end of any tunnel. I had just connected with a bunch of women all using acupuncture to boost fertility when R reconnected with old friends that had already been on the IF ride for a bit and were close to being on the "other side" Those two things were my first glimmer that I could get through this. That lead to amazing doctors and then to a support site for women going through ART treatments and finally to the land of Blogstonia. Between my pinnies, the posts on the ART site, and Blongstonia, I suddenly did not feel alone anymore. Here were women that felt justlikeme. Happy for every "Hey guess what? WE'RE PREGNANT!" happening around me, but also deeply saddened by the month after month after month of negatives in my own life. Here were women that had the right amount of smarts and snark. They made me feel like I wasn't moments away from being committed to a mental hospital...that everything I was feeling was, normal.

This is when it occurred to me that I needed to do whatever I needed to do to protect ME. It was extremely hard for me to do. And not everyone understood. But for once I held strong and R and I pulled back a bit from every part of life. We needed to refocus everything and aim for one goal. I took a full time job after years of freelancing so work could take a back seat to TTC. This need of protection was only magnified when we had to say goodbye to Tess and Oliver. The need to protect ourselves turned almost primal. I suddenly did not care if anyone understood, though I desperately hoped that when we pulled through the darkness there would still be people there.

And you know what? People were still there. Lots. We have amazing friends. Our families are incredible. Even work colleagues have gone above and beyond. When I think of the love and kindness that R and I have felt and experienced in the last 3 years it brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart swell.

But.

Not every relationship made it through. And this is where the intranets helped me and made me realize yet again I'm not the only one. I have read countless posts and talked to many women that have walked away from friends, relationships, even family members because it was what they had to do for themselves. You can only take so much, especially when you are raw and vulnerable and broken. The friends that seem to kick you instead of lift you up? They need to go. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an angel here. I know I was not the easiest person to be around. That I had been trying to hide my sadness for years longer than even I realized finally got the best of me from time to time. Not everything I meant to say came out in the right way. I take partial credit for why this friendship went through a spell. I also take credit in the trying to reach out, sit down, talk and make it better. After Tess and Oliver died, well, I just kind of thought that moment was fucking obvious. But no matter what I did or said, it just never got better. Actually it only seemed to get worse. And it felt like I was the only one making an effort...meanwhile being judged for every misstep, past, present and future. I had a list rattled off to me of how I had failed to be a good friend/decent human in the previous six years. How offense was taken when I declined a last minute dinner invitation because I had to "wash my dogs" ??? I could type for days on this last sit down conversation. But I will not.

Honestly, after Davis was born I hoped that tensions would ease. But sadly they did not. So this past March, I, WE, made the decision to be done with it. Walk away and let it go.

Hard to do when you've grown up together.
Harder to do in a small circle of friends.
Hardest to do when you live down the hall from one another.

But the Universe works in not-so-mysterious ways and keeps our paths from crossing much less than you could ever imagine. Doesn't mean that it doesn't suck when they do, but it's getting easier.

Wait. Hold on. This post actually started off in a way to document an event that happened in the hallway tonight. I want to forever remember how stupid and silly all of this truly is and the level to which it has sunk.

But now I'm tired. Davis was in the ER last night until after midnight. She's sick and was having trouble breathing. My love was flat out with a bad back and could not go with us to the hospital. Not sure who last night was harder on, Me, Davis or R. Thankfully Davis is ok. Chest x-ray was clear, breathing treatment worked and other than having a Daddy still in bed, and an exhausted Mommy, today she was in fairly good spirits. And one of those friends that has been there always? Well, he was there again last night. Yup. Right by our sides.

Writing all of this puts perspective on what happened in the hallway tonight.
On the list of things that truly matter in our lives...it's not even on it.

So call us curmudgeons if you like.
That is perfectly fine with me.

uh, hi

2007-09-04T22:36:00.000-04:00

I'm still alive.
Barely.
No, actually way better than barely. I'm def on the upswing.
Lots happened in the last month.
One BIG thing did not.
First Birthday party postponed due to sick baby, sick mommy and daddy in bed for NINE days unable to move because of back problems.
Party rescheduled, and then rescheduled again.
FINALLY it's all set for this weekend.
Lots to do. Lots.
Will be back once the dust settles.

oh, and my self imposed deadline of August and deciding about baby number two...came and went. no conversation with the fab dr.e or my man. hell, i didn't even converse with myself on the topic.

Two Questions.

2007-07-19T22:21:00.000-04:00

Since having Davis there seem to be two recurring questions. Each stops me cold. Maybe frozen is the better word as cold just doesn't seem to be, well, cold enough.

1. From well meaning strangers. Always delivered with a bright cheery smile.
"Is this your first baby?"

I struggle how to answer this. Of course the easiest/quickest answer is "Yes." Done. Thank You. Next. And it's the answer I typically give. But it's like a knife in my heart every time. Because it's a lie and it feels horrible. It feels like I'm denying the existence of my beautiful Tess and Oliver. But man, if I answer truthfully?? It could turn into a longer and much deeper conversation than I want to get into with Mrs./Mr. Well Meaning Stranger.

2. From EVERYONE. Strangers. Friends. Family. Delivered with a shrugged-shoulder-head-tilted-maybe-I-shouldn't-be-asking-this kind of face.
"Are you going to have another one?"

Again. A struggle. I mean if I thought I could have a complication-free pregnancy...assuming that I would be lucky enough to get pregnant again. I'd do it. No question.
But two less than term deiveries doesn't put me on the good side of those odds. Bed rest with little miss running around seems so unfair to everyone involved. Especially if I end up in the hospital for six weeks again.

I'm feeling so much pressure to answer this question myself. I'm 38. That clock ticking is getting loud. But another ivf cycle? YUK. Another 5 months in bed? YUK. If I could jump right to the end and have the prize? Sign me up now.

The fear boils under my skin just contemplating all of this. The big fear (other than the ones already stated) that I've only talked about with one person, because I'm sure to anyone else it would sound so absurd..but she knows :: What if I do this again and have another girl? :: On the one hand it does not matter one bit. Boy/girl, who cares! Healthy. Happy. That's all that really matters. But not ever having a boy? When I came so close. Not that a new boy could ever replace Oliver. I've made that clear many times. But having two girls. Would I just miss him even more? Miss him more? Is that even possible?

Two questions that multiply with thinking.
Like a Gremlin and water.

**ETA** Out of a fear of someone that does not know me, or maybe even those that do know me, thinking that I sound ungrateful for the beautiful gorgeous baby girl that I have now. Alive and well. I am. Every day I am so thankful. She is days away from turning ONE and I'm still pinching myself that she is here with us. That I am a Mom. But I still miss the babies that aren't here. The two that should be here...that in days would be turning two. Pure joy and pure pain all rolled up into one month of the year.

True Friend.

2007-07-11T22:06:00.000-04:00

This post over on Figlet got my wheels a turnin’.

My oldest friend J and I have this kind of friendship. We’ve been the best of friends since the second grade. 31 years and counting. We’ve been through some times. Good Times. Bad Times. We’ve lived miles apart and have gone months if not years without talking. Not because of a specific reason but just because life simply got in the way. One phone call (even ones at 3 a.m.) and we are right back where we left off. No weirdness or need for explanations. I have always loved this part of our friendship. There are so many stories and fond memories. I look forward to at least 31 more years of them.

Though we are living in different cities/states and both have busy lives, technology allows us to keep in touch a little easier than “pre-internet days” (I can’t even imagine life without the www and cell phones!) I wish we lived closer and still had free hours to drive around listening to The Cure and Yaz over and over (really just two songs, right J?) But no matter where we live or what is going on in our lives I know we are friends. For life.

Thank you J, for being my friend.

Time to slow down and breathe.

2007-07-11T00:15:00.000-04:00

I was walking home from work tonight and as I scrambled up the subway steps and raced down the sidewalk my head was full of stuff rattling around. Voices. Lists. Images.

I have three short blocks to walk from the subway entrance to my building. Halfway home I crossed the street and walked passed a figure. A few steps more and I heard someone say my name. “Who could that be?” I thought. I turned around it was a very baffled R. Yes, my husband. I walked right by him. It’s not like it’s easy to miss him. He’s 6’5” and (IMO) the foxiest man in Brooklyn. I think he thought I was joking. Sadly I was so in my head that I honestly did not see him.

I think my head has been this full since R and I started trying to have a baby. That’s now been 5 years. How many people have I passed-and-not-seen on the street in the last five years? Who has been sitting next to me on the train that thought I was just ignoring them? Hmmmmm.

I think this noise in my head is the reason I haven’t written the Spring Cleaning Part 2 Post that I need/promised to write even though it’s now Summer. Maybe if I get it all typed out in words I can truly begin to let some things go...move on like I desperately want to do. And breathe again. Deep full breaths. Enjoy the the things that I encounter along the way. Especially the 6’5” ones.

No more procrastinating... Spring Cleaning in 3 parts.

2007-05-01T19:57:00.001-04:00

R went away to LaLa land weekend before last. I had lots of time to think. Lots. Of. Time.
After Davis went to bed and the house got quiet my mind was anything but. List after list, question after question.
Too much I tell ya, too much. But one good thing came out of it. I realized that I need to clean out the clutter. The physical clutter yes, but more importantly the emotional clutter.

So here we go.

Part One: The Physical (as in ME physically, not the stacks of stuff in the apartment, that's a whole other post!)

When I went on bed rest I was worried how I would possibly be strong enough to hold my baby after of 20 weeks doing absolutely nothing. When I went into the hospital they told me to allow three weeks of recovery for every week in bed. That adds up to 48 weeks to be back 100%. Davis saved me 12 weeks when she arrived a little early. But still 48 weeks is almost a year. And I'm getting close to that number. Can't believe it but I am. It's strange because I've recently noticed I do feel stronger physically. The last week I was in the hospital my legs would shake standing just long enough to brush my teeth. After Davis came home I could not squeeze the water out of the bath sponge we would lie her on. But the other night after her bath I realized I was squeezing the water out of that huge sponge just fine! wow! Surprise. I think I have to thank subway stairs for whipping my ass in shape.

The Physical Spring Cleaning List:
Dr. appointment for a physical - check
Eye appointment, I think I need me some glasses, sigh -
Dentist appointment (remember the screw) -
Dermatologist appointment -
Mammogram (this one has to wait until I wean DL, but I'll leave it on the list anyway)

Easy things on this list that for some reason I can't get myself over to the salon that is literally across the street:
legs waxed
eyebrows plucked
roots covered- my hair is, thankfully, growing back. When they said you'd lose some hair after giving birth I had no idea. Apparently "some" means different things to different people. The new hair coming back is WHITE. Not silver or grey but WHITE. Roots must be tended to. Soon.
Mani/Pedi - has not been done since pre-bed rest. And that is way too long.

That may be it...at least it's it for now.

Stay tuned for Spring Cleaning Part Deux.

Tarot cards and procrastinating.

2007-04-22T23:36:00.000-04:00

I was going to write a post about Spring cleaning. Not just the typical cleaning out of closets and junk...but me realizing I needed to do Spring cleaning in every way. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, and the list goes on from there.

And then I went here and pulled a card.

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I've decided to save the Spring cleaning post for later.
I'm going to sit with this for a day or so.

...and it got me to thinking

2007-04-22T21:58:00.000-04:00

I was over at the ImapatientPatient and she has been checking out her blog stats. I'm not so savvy to do this. I have no idea if Bl0gger can do this stuff. But it's pretty interesting. And then it started the wheels turning in my head. Wondering. Just who reads this blog anyway? I mean some of you are friends in real life. I told you about it and gave you the link. Even those of you that don't post I at least know you read. Then there are those of you that are my cyber friends (that sounds naughty.) Some of you know me better than some that know me IRL. Then there are some of you that have found this place via other's blog rolls. Don't get me wrong...I am not naive in thinking that this is totally anonymous. One of R's coworkers found this blog from another infertility blog and then recognized the story. She, honestly and sweetly, fessed up to R one day. But what I'm saying is I know this all out there in cyberspace and it's completely public for anyone to read. I suppose it doesn't matter how you get here. BUT. Once my wheels started turning I was wondering if there are (and I think there are) people out there that know me IRL and found this blog in some way other than me telling them about it. Which is all fine and dandy. UNLESS. You have decided to read along and. Not. Tell. Me. Call me crazy but it feels a little bit like someone's reading my mail behind my back. Kinda sorta effed up don't ya think?

And then again I might be having some delusions of grandeur that this blog is all that. Ha!

hmmmm.

See what thinking gets me into?

Don't think I'll look into whether or not Bl0gger can track hits like w0rdpress can.
For me, sometimes too much information is just that.

April 12

2007-04-12T08:28:00.000-04:00

Tess and Oliver
I cannot believe it's been two years since you were born and gone.
Two years since I held you both in my hands and kissed your sweet toes.
MiMi sang you songs, Mommy showed you 'this little piggy' and Daddy looked you over and over.
We counted every finger and every toe. Burned you into our memories. Not a day has gone by that we have not thought of you. Your little sister arrived on August 4th. We talk to her about both of you all the time. Right after she was born we went up to the cabin and one morning I looked outside and saw this....

two fawns.

I told Davis it was you two telling all of us that you knew she was here and reminding us that you would be watching over her.
Thank you for that. It's nice to get signs.

Today we are still holding you in that peaceful place...but still missing you more than words can say.

Our sweet sweet babies, oh how we love you so.
Mommy and Daddy

A Little Tooth

2007-04-07T09:32:00.000-04:00

Week before last was particularly brutal. Butterfly did not sleep. At. All. Even when she was sleeping she was wiggling and moaning. On Sunday she got her first tooth. And then it all made sense to a zombie Mom & Dad.

The New York MTA has this "Poetry in Motion" campaign. It's surely some form of advertising, but honestly I just stick to the poetry. This one had been a stand out for a while...and now it really applies.
I just hope DL never runs off with some "sweet talker on his way to jail"

A Little Tooth
by Thomas Lux

Your baby grows a tooth, then two,
and four, and five, then she wants some meat
directly from the bone. It's all

over: she'll learn some words, she'll fall
in love with cretins, dolts, a sweet
talker on his way to jail. And you,

your wife, get old, flyblown, and rue
nothing. You did, you loved, your feet
are sore. It's dusk. Your daughter's tall.

Everything is ok now, right?

2007-03-27T22:08:00.000-04:00

I've been talking to some people. People that, like me, have lost babies. It's a sad club to be in really. But it is the only place where I feel like people really understand. I met a friend last week for lunch, I guess she's a friend...she's a friend of a friend that now is becomming my friend. Make sense? She lost twins too. Her girls hung on for as long as they could and for different reasons, weeks apart they lost them both. It's something I cannot imagine. I gave birth knowing that my babies would not live. There was not a chance. At. All. Though I could feel them moving inside of me, I knew the moment they came that it would be over. Hope was not even in the room that day. Having hope and then losing it, just adds another level of pain. It also makes it harder to even dare to try to hope again. She is very brave and strong. We had a great lunch. I had never met her in person before and yet I felt as if we had known each other all our lives. We were finishing each other's sentences and saying "I know" to each other a lot.

She is right where I was this time last year. Pregnant again, waiting for the stitch and the impending bed rest, wishing there were a sleeping pill that could keep you sleeping until 36 weeks. We spent a lot of time talking about the people in our lives and how they have handled us losing children. The family members, the friends....those that have been good and those that have not. How it hurts so much that it seems like everyone has forgotten...though I know it's not true, it does feel that way some days. She asked me if everyone has assumed because now that Davis is here, that we are ok and "over it" And I said on some levels yes and some levels no. That yes, things are still said from time to time that feel like a knife in my heart. Even from the people that love me the most.

My Mom told me that she was talking to my cousin. He had just found out he was having a boy and how excited he was and she laughed and told him "It will be closest I will probably ever get to a grandson." ooof. Tears instantly welled up in my eyes and I tried to fake it, but she saw the look on my face and tried to keep talking and figure a way out...in the end we both just left it at that and moved on. I know she didnt' mean it the way it came out...and yes this little boy will probably be the closest she will get to a grandson that is living. But Oliver was perfect and he was and is her grandson. I know that she knows that and feels that. But her comment felt like shit all the same.

I miss my babies. Every smile and every ounce of joy I get from Davis heals me a little bit more. But the hole in my heart for Tess and Oliver will never be filled.

Yes, I AM alive.

2007-01-16T04:07:00.000-05:00

WARNING: this post was written in January. It's now almost April. SIgh. I'm not even going to try to finish it as I have no idea where I was going...so on to the next post that hopefully won't take me months to write.

Wow. Not sure where the time goes these days. Life has been passing a warp speed.
Little miss butterfly is getting so big so quickly. And yet we are still pinching ourselves, living in slight disbelief that she is even here...our little one, safe and sound and running the show 100%.

It's 4am and the only one sleeping is the little miss. Not sure why or how I'm still awake as shw was up all night the night before. I should be tired, flat out exhausted. No wait, I AM tired, but for some reason I just can't sleep.

I can't imagine that anyone is even still checking in here. And that's ok. I don't blame ya. It's been months since my last post. I have been posting in my head, just never seem to be able to get in written on the keys.

I have to say the holidays were wonderful this year. The past few years have been full of needles and dr. appointments and pregnancy tests and lots of tears, happy and sad. Hard to think about Christmas when your beta is scheduled for Dec. 27th. (Actually should have been the 25th but the office was closed.) My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. You get all the good celebrating part without the pressure of gifts etc. R and I have basically been out of the Thankgiving game the past few years. This was the first year in the last 3 that we haven't been doing an ivf cycle. In 2004 we actually started ON turkey day. I was a bit of a basket case, nervous with all the shots ahead, anticipating the cycle outcome and missing my family desperately. We rented a house up in Woodstock to get away just the two of us and our dog Roxy (RIP sweet little baby girl dog). We needed to get our heads around the challenge that was ahead of us. We ended up calling in the troops and V&S spent one night with us. We needed the support badly. They had just gone through ivf #1 and were successful. They were proof that this could/should/would work. They drove up on Friday after a late night call from R the night before (I didn't find out about this until much much later) R was convinced he had overdosed me that very first night! He didn't OD me after all...in fact all went as smoothly as it could. Until if course it went bad.

My sweet little one is almost six months old. I cannot believe she has grown so big and so strong with nothing but mama's milk. So far pumping at work has gone ok. I've only been walked in on twice. Yes it took me twice to figure out there is a lock on my door and that "DON'T come in!" sounds just like "Come in!" when your behind a closed door. Being back at work has been good and bad. I find myself wishing I could have it both ways a lot. Or if I could only work 2-3 days a week forever. I may be fighting off some delayed PPD as well and debating about talking to my doctor about it. And I am missing Tess and Oliver more than ever. Having Davis has made the babies we lost so real. I feel like I am moving through a whole other level of grief. I am cherishing every moment with Davis. I feel so blessed that she is mine. But oh how I wish she was one of three instead of my only living child.

Mummy Love.

2006-10-31T11:15:00.000-05:00

I have so much to talk about! But also so much to do! I start back to work tomorrow. siiiiiiiiiigh. Where have the last 12 weeks gone? I've started writing down Davis' birth story...it's coming soon. She's been really sick this past week. RSV has kicked Mommy and Daddy's ass. Thankfully the home breathing treatments worked and she did not have to be hospitalized. That would not have been fun. No, not fun at all.
She is on the mend now and more smiley than ever.

We were supposed to spend my last 12 days of maternity leave at our place upstate hanging out amongst the fall leaves but little butterfly's illness required us to be close to good medical care. So back to Brooklyn we came. We also had to miss a Halloween costume party yesterday because she can't really be around other germ toting toddlers. We debated for a moment just blowing off our costumes, but then I had flashes of Davis asking, "Hey Mom, why didn't I have a costume my first Halloween?" and my response of "Yes, you had a costume, you were a vacation ruiner that year." Well, that felt kind of sad. Though there were loads of things that needed to be done, desperately needed to be done...R and I spent a whole evening dying cheese cloth for our costumes that we were wearing forapicture. But it was pretty damn cute if I say so myself.

beans + baby = unhappiness

2006-10-09T12:28:00.000-04:00

Looooooong time to be MIA. I'm not sure if anyone is even checking in here these days. But here goes just the same.

So after a week (or so) of screaming/puking while eating, sleeping, and being awake, the butterfly was diagnoised with acid reflux. Dr. Google scared the pee out of R and me as we were reading things like, "it should subside by 12 to 18 months" and then I read that some babies with acid reflux were puking up to 30 times a day and I thought, thank god that's not me. I just can't imagine. Poor babies, poor mommies.

We got a script for baby zantac and DL did NOT like it. She did not like it here or there. She did not like it anywhere. Not in a box or with a fox. You get the idea.
So after a few doses I just stopped giving it to her. It didn't seem to work anyway.

...and the baby continued to scream and puke. Puke and scream. And then Daddy goes to La La land for THREE nights. "Help!" screamed mommy. To the rescue came L. Thank God for L. She came over and packed us up and whisked us both away to the city. At least if DL was going to scream there would be some help. L&M could help try to soothe the seemingly un-sooth-able.

L called a doula that does craniosacral work. She was available immediately and was there in a matter of hours. She asked for the background. Baby girl, 4.2 weeks early, sleepy in the beginning, lost too much weight, seems to be thriving now, BUT puking/screaming on the boob and off the boob, diagnosed with acid reflux, feeding her sitting up (HARD to do with a wobbly infant,) not boucing her or patting her to prevent things from jiggling up, etc. etc. Oh, and I had stopped eating dairy.

Well this woman in two seconds figured out what the doctor in two visits could not. She said, "I don't think this is acid reflux. I think this is gas. BAD gas." And then she went to work. Gently moving her hands up and down DL's spine. It was incredible. This baby that had been clenched up in a ball just relaxed. Her tiny fists opened up and her arms fell heavy by her sides. And then the doula starts telling me, "No broccoli, no colliflower, no spicy food and DEFINITELY no legumes/beans..." "WHAT! OMG! I have been eating bean burritos.
Ev-er-y. Day. Foraweek." I mean they were easy to pop in the microwave inbetween the screaming/puking festival we had going on over here. Duh. Mama. Duh. Poor DL. How could your mommy be so stupid?

No more beans = a much MUCH happier baby. She still screams and she still pukes. But it's so much more calm than before and just normal baby stuff.

Like I said, "Thank God for L. What would I do without her?"

Ever wonder....

2006-09-06T16:30:00.000-04:00

what 47 days in the hospital would cost?
$178,440.91*

*This figure is for the hospital stay in the ante partum wing only. It does not include labor and delivery, post partum, charges for the baby, my doctor's fee, the $12.75 a day for telephone and television, parking, two take out meals per day for both me and R. Not to mention the cash it took to get pregnant. Little Butterfly truly is the "Million Dollar Baby" or at least she is pretty damn close. Thank God for insurance.

Long time, no post...

2006-09-06T11:48:00.000-04:00

...and I wish I could say that this will be the post I really want to write.
But little button is about to wake for lunch. So I'll try, really I will.

I feel like I could write for years. So much rolling around in my small head. Today is my first day home alone, R went back to work today. I was so happy he could take a full month to spend with his girls. I've hardly changed a diaper I swear. He is so in love with this baby...so am I. It so much love it's scary. I'm already thinking of how I'm going to manage going back to work myself. I keep reminding myself to enjoy THIS moment and not fret over what is to come.

We finally got some time to ourselves. Just the three of us. The first few weeks were filled with visitors. Mind you we were thankful for the help, but we were so happy to have some time alone to be a family, the family we have dreamed of for so many years. We spent the last week up at the cabin. It was pure heaven.

I'm slowly regaining my strength. I've overdone it a few times. The first day at the cabin I was literally in tears, my whole body ached. I couldn't even hold the baby I was so weak. I had waaaaaaaay overdone it the weekend before and was feeling the repercussions. Thankfully the second day it rained all day and the three of us just stayed in bed. It was exactly what I needed to do and am trying to be a little more conscious of my limits for now.

I still need to write down the story of Davis being born. I need to do it soon before I forget any details. But like I said, we've had so little time alone and I couldn't waste a moment of that time this past week to spend doing something by myself. But soon, soon. Lots of other bits and bobbles too. Might have to write a monster post soon.

Until then I'll leave you with some pics of our time upstate. We looked stressed, huh? I think after what we've been through in the last few years being sleep deprived from feeding a baby has felt like a cake walk. When R left for work today he said how nice it will be to not obsessively carry his cell phone with the constant fear of getting a call from his wife that she is in pre-term labor. He did this for 16 weeks. Now that is stress.

Settling in...

2006-08-17T12:41:00.000-04:00

I have at least 5 different posts rolling in my head.
Soon I hope to get to all of them.

Birth story to come...

The little butterfly is doing great. I am in awe of her still. R and I can't stop staring at her. He was folding her little clothes last night and we both just marveled at the reality that We. Have. A. BABY.

I have to say these first two weeks have been really fine. Not at all the craziness I expected. Maybe that is coming? For now the biggest drama has been getting her to stay awake long enough to eat. She lost a little more than the doctor wanted her to, so for one day we were a little worried. After talking to a lactation consultant she reminded us that even though she weighed in at 7lbs 3oz she is still a preemie. So it is very very important to get her to eat...breast milk, formula whatever it takes. She is alert a little bit more every day, which has made it easier to get her to stay on the boob. Last night was my first night up with her alone. I told R to sleep and let me give it a go on my own. He usually wakes her up, changes her diaper, sits with me while I feed her and then gets her back to sleep. Yeah, I know, I'm lucky. But I already knew I had the bestest husband in the world. We did just fine alone and R got a few more hours of sleep.

He needed sleep last night because today R is at a focus group for the company that makes the Yuppie Trophy Stroller. The reward for this is FREE stroller. Pretty cool. Now we can roll around sans guilt, not that we had any and not that anyone else would know we got a free YTS, but it's all cool just the same.

Ok of all the words I've been thinking about the last two weeks...this has nothing to do with any of 'em. Soon though soon. We have R's parents in this week, but I'll try to get at least one something new up.

Until then I'm off to stare at the butterfly.

Perfectly Pink!

2006-08-07T00:49:00.000-04:00

Davis Lee
August 4, 2006
11:11 p.m.
(no I'm NOT kidding, the child was born at ELEVEN ELEVEN. I guess the curse is broken!)
7 lbs. 3 oz.
20 in.

She is just perfect. We are now home and settling in...sorry to not post sooner, but we've hardly been able to tear ouselves away from our little miracle bub.

She came at 35 weeks 5 days and was able to go straight to the regular nursery.

I'm doing great. Every muscle in my body aches from the delivery workout. But being back in the vertical world has been wonderful so far. My first shower today standing up NOT hooked up to IVs and such was about as close to an orgasm as I've come in too many months.

Thank you for all the love.

Here's the lil' lady all wrapped up in the blanket I came home in 37 years ago.

Party Time

2006-08-04T12:33:00.000-04:00

So forget going home. Forget that much needed leg wax.
Oh why didn't I wash my hair last night?
No more sleeps left. Looks like the bub is on it's way!

They took out the cerclage about 10:30 am. I'm 2cm and 70% effaced.
Just waiting for the contractions to get a little stronger.
They are coming every 1-2 minutes.

Stay tuned...

Six more sleeps.

2006-08-01T22:34:00.000-04:00

I get to go HOME! In six more days! I found out on Monday that they will let me leave here on Monday the 7th! woohoo! The days have slowed to a snails pace now. I swear the last two days have felt like a week. BUT, I GET TO GO HOME!!

My roommate had a scare over the weekend. Saturday night about 2am she called for the doctor. When they examined her she was dilated with a bulging sac from Baby A. Back to labor & delivery she went. They were talking c-section. She couldn't get her husband on the phone and she was terrified. She was 27.4 weeks. When the doctor told her she had a bulging sac I cried my eyes out. They all left to get things set up for her in L&D and I went over and held her hand and told her to take a deep breath and to be strong. Not much else I could do....I wanted to go to L&D with her. I felt so helpless.

Thankfully they put her back on the magnesium and were able to stop the contractions. She will be 28 weeks tomorrow. Every day just seems like a blessing. She came back on Monday. So far so good.

Hey did I mention I get to go HOME on Monday the 7th? Yep, I do. Home Sweet Home. I will still have to be in bed for at least another week and the terb is coming with me...but I'll be home and that will be perfect. I'm hoping at some point before bub comes they will let me up and around a bit. Right now my legs start shaking while brushing my teeth. I'm a little worried about how I'm going to push this bub out, as well as hold it, feed it and care for it! I guess like everything the past 9 months, we will figure it out.

The crib arrived on Saturday. The bedding is on the way. The trophy stroller is in transit too! Oh, Figlet, it's green! R has been nesting away and it seems the house, hahaha did I say HOUSE? more like the room is as set up as it can be for now.

Now we just have to decide on a boys name and we'll be set. This is the least of my worries, I'm still feeling pink and that name is set.

P.s. Not that I would know...but apparently there is a major heat wave going on...I had a good laugh when they said on the news tonight that in order to conserve energy, to avoid a black out or repeating the horrible situation we just had in Queens, the Mayor has turned off the lights on the Empire State Building! wow. What a sacrifice. uh, Mr. Mayor how about turning off the lights in Times Square? Now THAT would be a statement. As long as those lights are shining it will be hard to convince anyone to turn down their AC.

34.6 weeks, but who's counting?

2006-07-29T04:33:00.000-04:00

I've had three roommates since cuckoo bird left. (btw I've heard she has left the hospital, but the nurses say she'll be back.) I must have good roommate mojo as they never stay long. Though I hope this last one will be here for a long time. She came in 3cm dilated at 27 weeks with twins. Been trying for a baby for 11 years and like me, lost a baby at 20 weeks. I'm pulling for her in a serious way. I just hope she can make to at least 32 weeks.

It's 3:46 am and I'm awake because my roomie is a hummmmmer. She mmmmms in her sleep. The first night I thought it was because she was breathing through contractions. Turns out she's just a hummmmmer. It's not consistent humming it goes from light mmmmms to intense mmmmms to no mmmmms at all. So far this is the only thing I can complain about. She is very sweet. She can be hard to understand sometimes. She has a very strong Indian accent and because we are separated by a curtain and I can't see her face, there have been times when I've just had to say, "I'm sorry I can't understand." It makes me feel bad because she is so scared and has been asking me tons of questions and looking for reassurance.

This week has been a pretty good one. Though a strange mix of emotions. We had a sonogram on Wednesday that estimates the bub is 6lbs 6oz already! YOWZA. I guess this hospital incubating is doing the trick. R and I both were so relieved to hear the bub was so big already. We were expecting 5lbs or so. At the same time the sono tech was the same woman that did my sonos last year and showed us we would lose our babies. It's so hard being down in that wing anyway, but when this tech appeared I could barely hold back the tears.

R and I have been missing Tess & Oliver terribly this past week. We both had kept it to ourselves and I'm not sure how it even came out...it's so hard missing T&O and wishing we were planning their first birthday party and at the same time starting to feel like we can really get excited about the baby that is HERE NOW and will be coming soon. We are so attached to this bub. But also know that he/she will not replace T&O. Which is a good thing. That's too much for little shoulders to carry. I just wish that I could have all THREE of my babies. But two in my heart and one in my arms is the only way. I will feel so blessed when baby number three arrives.

R has been spending a little more time at the apartment making room for this bub. He's been nesting for both of us! We actually let ourselves purchase a few baby items *GASP* and they are IN our house or on the way. The very generous S&T from Texas purchased the most beautiful crib for us. I can't wait to see it. J is buying our bedding, once I can find something I like. We were talking about how I bought her first baby her bedding 7+ years ago...how special this will be. R broke down and gave in to the, as Figlet calls it, Yuppie Trophy Stroller. Car seat is on the way too. All we need now is bub!

We're still figuring out sleeping arrangements for when family comes. This is when I wish we lived in the burbs somewhere with plentiful extra rooms and space to spread out. Sigh. Living in a loft has been fine with guests that don't mind the slumber party atmosphere but with a baby that's up every three hours? (ok let's hope it's only every three hours) Well we're not sure how that's going to work out. Hotels are so damn $$ here. Even the Holiday Inn is $170 a night for two. Times that by seven days and well that's several plane tickets. We'll figure it out just like everyone else in NYC does. At least we don't have our bathtub in the kitchen...oh, wait, we don't HAVE a bathtub.

Party in room 233!

2006-07-24T09:15:00.000-04:00

The roommate is GONE.
Thank you Universe.

They moved her to her own room where she can keep herself awake. She was pissed this morning that they wouldn't give her anymore morphine. Funny that she can't move to do ANYTHING without screaming out in pain...but when food comes she's able to sit up and clean her plate and when her boyfriend leaves she can walk, yes walk, all by herself to the vending machine to stock up on sodas and candy. They found skittles all over the floor as they were claening. SKITTLES!

So roommate #6 is on her way in....thankfully the nurses recognized the state of affairs in this room and pulled a switcheroo. Pays to be be nice and call them all by name and ask how their days off are...not that I'm doing any of that for special treatment. I am sincere. But hey if that means they get rid of psycho roomies as quickly as possible, that's a pretty good side effect for being nice!

I feel as if a weight has lifted off my shoulders! I think I can actually stay the 14 days left. Last night at 3am I was questioning that for sure. Envisioning myself begging Dr. E to let me go home. One more night of that would have done me in, no doubt.

ok back to incubating...more soon.

Thank you all for the comments and love and support.

oh one more thing that made my day...
pics of a new baby on the way from Korea for S&T!
brought happy tears to my eyes. he is just gorgeous.

34! 34! THIRTY FOUR WEEKS!

2006-07-23T09:59:00.000-04:00

Yep, that's right, you read it correctly. I'm 34 weeks today.
Hip hip hooray!
I just can't believe it really. I've got 14 more days left in the hospital and then I can go home and be in the vertical world again. Yeah baby that sounds fab to me.

Sorry I've been so lame at keeping up the posting. The dial up connection get to me. By the time I've checked my work email and responded to what's going on there. I'm shattered.

So far the stitch has been holding steady and the terb has been able to keep the contractions under control. I've had a few evenings where they had to give me an extra boost of meds to kick those contractions in the ass, but I'm still on the lowest dose possible and I'm taking that as a good sign.

I've had so many roommates come and go. I've been pretty damn lucky with the roomies. My first roommate here was a nurse down in the nicu. She had been here a little more than three weeks and delivered two healthy girls on July fourth. She was cool, her husband was cool too. We both watched the World Cup football and even the same soaps. All in all a good match.

Roommate #2 was a young girl that had come in for a routine sono and found to have low amniotic fluid. She also had a cyst on her left ovary they were getting concerned about. They ended up doing a c-section at 34 weeks. They told her if the cyst had malignant cells they would also preform a complete hysterectomy at the same time. She was so brave and so strong and really only concerned that her baby would be ok. She wasn't worried about herself at all. She came to see me before she left the hospital. Baby boy was in the nicu but doing very well. Cyst was begnin and she only lost the one ovary! I was very relieved.

Roommate #3 was an Hasidic Jewish woman. She checked in after sundown on Friday night and pretty much sat in the dark until Sunday morning. Couldn't turn on the lights or tv herself or even hit the nurse call button to have a nurse do it for her. I was excited as I have a huge fascination with their community. I live blocks their neighborhood. Unfortunately she wasn't interested in talking to me, no matter how much I smiled. Sigh. On Sunday she had loads of phone calls and visitors and then they told her she could go home and in a matter a moments she was gone.

Roommate #4 26 weeks along with her third boy. She had been in labor and delivery for two days on magnesium sulfate to stop preterm labor. It worked. She stayed only a day before her doctor sent her home. She was very nice and her two boys came to visit and were adorable.

Roommate #5. WHOA. Not sure where to even start on this one. She is 26 weeks (she told me 28 at first) with her SIXTH baby. This is her second stay in the hospital in that last three weeks. She has gestational diabetes and having contractions. Here's the kicker. The first night she was here....after her diabetic dinner was eaten she cruised down to the vending machines and bought "every candy bar they had" and a pepsi. O. M. G. I've heard the nurses and the doctors tell her over and over that she is hurting her baby. Doesn't seem to sink in at all. She has a nextel walkie talkie cell phone so I'm lucky in that I get to hear BOTH sides of her every conversation. First morning they checked her blood sugar and it was over the top. Of course those two snickers bars she ate at 3 a.m. and a pepsi had nothing to do with that! oh no! The nutritionist came in to talk to her about how to manage her diet and she told her "I'm not about to stand in the grocery store and count carbs. I'm NOT going to do that shit." Then she got on the phone with her boyfriend and he asked what the nutritionist said and her response was "I don't pay them no mind. I'm not going to follow it anyways." O. M. G. She's now only here because she has a migraine headache. She's blaming it on the medication they are giving her...the insulin, the steroids for the baby's lungs, even the IV that's keeping her hydrated (which she removed herself) she's even refused prenatal vitamins because she "doesn't need those" It's so hard to be in this bed and not be furious. I know so many women on this wing are literally making deals with God, with the Universe, anyone that will listen to hold on their babies to keep them safe and here's this woman that is acting like a child and completely oblivious to what she is doing to this baby. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. The unfairness of it all is making me boil. SIX kids, no job, and no brain. I know women that would kill for ONE baby. As I type she is asking her boyfriend to bring cracker jacks and something stronger for pain. They aren't giving her what she wants here, it's not doing nuthin' to help her headache. I could go on and on...the state she's left our shared bathroom etc. etc. but I think I need to stop ranting now and try to fill my head with positive thoughts.

Hopefully roommate #3 leaves soon. And when she comes back, I'm certain she will, I hope I'm either gone or have someone else as roommate!

But hey what do you think? T H I R T Y F O U R W E E K S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That rocks right? Yes. Yes it rocks the house.

Stay tuned for more.

bummer.

2006-07-13T08:02:00.000-04:00

Well the FAB Dr.E came in on Monday. I was expecting her to give me the option of going home now or at 34 weeks. SHOCKER she wants to keep me here until 36 weeks. Talk about taking the wind out of my sails. I can hardly process adding twwo more weeks to this stay. Though as I type I'm realizing that I'm half way through this week, so instead of four more weeks I'm already down to 3.5 or 25 days. So that's the focus...25 days. At 37 weeks she will take out the cerclage. And then it's just the waiting game.

After 11 days of a room all to myself, a roommate arrived yesterday. I'm not going to mention that number 11 showing up again, ooops already did. She is sweet and was terrified when she arrived as she's never been admitted to a hospital before. She came in for a sono and her amniotic fluid was low. She's 34.5 weeks. If the fluid hasn't built back up they will take the baby by c-section tomorrow. The roommate thing is weird. I've been pretty lucky so far. Only minor issues. Thank you R for bringing in my ipod....this one snores. LOUDLY.

My hands are feeling much better. The bub is getting stronger. So far so good.

BTW I'm feeling pink these days.
I guess we'll know soon enough.

Words from the hospital.

2006-07-10T09:37:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to post. A few days after being here I developed pregnancy induced carpal tunnel in BOTH hands and wrists. I felt like there was fire running through my veins. Unfortunately there isn't much they can do for this except to say, " Once you're not pregnant anymore. it will go away." Uh, gee, thanks. They did send over the occupational therapist. She made splints for me to sleep in at night. I have to admit I was very very skeptical but they do seem to be working. Thankfully.

Other than my hands things have been pretty calm. The terb still messes with me a bit but it's manageable. I've had lots of visitors and phone calls. R has kept my little fridge stocked with food to spare me the crap the hospital dares to pass off as lunch and dinner. The fab Dr. E and the other doctors in her practice have all been very optimistic. This time has felt 180 degrees when I was here with Tess & Oliver. Things don't feel as precarious. Not even close.

Here is my list of what's good and bad about hospital bed rest...

Good:
The nurses here are really great.
The woman that brings in the nasty hospital food is so sweet. I think she worries that I always skip lunch and dinner.
The woman that cleans is hilarious. Her smile could brighten any room.
I have a great roommate. She's very close to safely delivering and when she does I get to move by the window! ETA: She delivered two perfect girls on July 4th. I'm now by the window and as of yet have no roommate. :)

Bad:
The resident that comes in at 6 a.m. besides being a little strange, she NEVER closes the door when she leaves. EVER. My room is right by the nurses station and it's loud. grrrr.
The sheets smell like bleach.
The gowns. So lovely.
Being woken up every 4 hours for a boost of terbutaline. This usually keeps me up for a bit.
No high speed internet. I'm finding out I've become a very impatient New Yorker.
No Tivo. WHAT? I have to watch commercials?
I'm paying 12+ bucks a day for TV and phone. ??? 10 channels and no DSL. grrrr.
Curly hair + hospital bed rest = YUK. I'm pro fro. But this fro is NOT pretty.

18 days down, 14 more to go. The belly is getting so big I wonder if I'll be able to leave in the clothes I was wearing when I was admitted.

I'll try to post again soon. Thanks for all the love.
THIRTY-TWO WEEKS and 1/7 today!

Wonh wonh wonhhhhh.....

2006-06-23T23:47:00.000-04:00

I've got a Violent Femmes song stuck in my head.
Second verse same as the first.
Just last night I was reminded of
just how bad it had gotten and
just how sick
I
had
become.

ok maybe that sounds a bit dramatic.
But the truth is I'm back. In. The. Hospital.

We went yesterday for a big sono to see how big the bub is and if my placenta had moved away from covering my cervix. Not sure if I've ever mentioned about by placenta...it's been kind of the least of my worries. It's hasn't been bleeding or anything and really as long as it didn't act up it would just mean a c-section. Oh, and pelvic rest. Meaning no sex. HA! HA! HA! Ya know that "honeymoon" second trimester where every book tells you it's OK to have sex. HA! HA! HA! Well with an incompetent cervix AND(thankfully) a cerclage I was already ON pelvic rest. It's been months and months. It sucks. Poor R.

ok back to the story.
Baby. Check. Bub is a beauty. Already estimated at a whopping 3.6 lbs.
Placenta. Check. It's moved. woohoo.
Cervix. wonh wonh wonhhhhh. It dropped from 3.4 cm to below 2cm. wonh wonh wonhhhhh. Dr. E said come to her office straight away. R wheeled me four block is a stolen wheelchair. Hey, we brought it back. I was a mess by the time Dr. E got to me. Of course she was completely calm as always. Not shaken at. All. She debated for two seconds about sending me home with a terb pump or admitting me. The hospital won. sigh.

Deja vu, people. They put me in a bed and waited for the orders to be sent through. The girl in the bed next to me is close to delivering twin girls. GUESS WHAT? Her doctor was my old doc. wonh wonh wonhhhhh. R and I are doing our best to avoid a reunion. Nothing against her...just a little weird. Rolyn did bump into her, she didn't recognize him. phew. We'll see if I can pull it off too.

I got my terb pump hooked up at 11 p.m last night. This gives me a continuous flow of medication. It's supposed to relax my uterus. Ironically it makes ME feel like I'm on speed and going through some serious menopause hot flashes. Fun.

They gave me a steroid shot today to help the babies lungs develop. I'll get another one tomorrow morning. Ok for all you ivf-ers out there. Take every progesterone shot you've every had....preferably the ones after your bum feels like hamburger meat. That girlfriends is a DREAM compared to this shot. I wondered why the nurse brought me a ice pack for 20 minutes before...I told her I've had so many injections to just do it...she of course knew better. It. Hurt. Like. A. Mofo. For about 15 minutes afterwards. BUT, just like those PIO injections, they're like a magic potion and doing important stuff. So we suffer and deal.

Dr. K, that was on call today, came by to visit. He is VERY hopeful that we will make it through this. He kept telling me while we have every reason to be anxious due to our past, that he has seen much worse cases work out...that this is different than last time. I'll be 30 weeks on Sunday. This is really good. The bub is big and strong and now has steroids working on his lungs. So now we wait.

Dr. K said as he was leaving....
" You will get through this. This does have an end. Every day gets you one day closer. Women are amazing. If men had to do this, the human race would die out."

Now I have a husband AND a doctor that can make me laugh.
And that is a very good thing.

wow wow wow.

2006-06-18T13:02:00.000-04:00

Today for my 37th birthday I've made it to W E E K 2 9 !!!!!

I haven't celebrated my birthday in any real way for the past several years. I was always too sad that yet another year had passed without a baby in my arms. I suppose this year is no different, there is no baby in my arms, but this year I AM celebrating. Celebrating one more week with a baby in my belly. One more week closer to the dream. Give me a few more weeks and I might actually believe ALL THE TIME that this could really happen. Not just flashes of being hopeful.

World Cup Football has kept me entertained. Though I have very little knowledge of the rules...I do love the sport of it and especially the spectacle of it all. I have to laugh that the American commentating is getting on my last nerve and I AM American. All the poor Brits, Aussies, etc etc. living here forced to listen to the score read as 1 - ZERO must be coming out of their skins.

As promised here's the Bold and the Beautiful update. This goes out to you Meri-ann.
Brooke, who was married to Ridge Forrester and then Ridge's brother Thorn and then their father Eric who she has two children with Eric Jr and Bridget and also had a baby with her Bridget's husband Deacon as well as Ridge's half brother Nick, who was briefly married to Bridget before Bridget realized the her mom and her husband were "meant to be together" uh, phew, is finally engaged to be married to Nick. That is if Nick can get over the fact that Brooke is now CEO of Forrester Creations, has been welcomed back into the Forrester family with open arms and is now working very very closely with Ridge who claims that he and Brooke are soul mates and are meant to be together.

Are you worn out yet? I am. Sorry I thought this would be a little bit easier. For a 30 minute soap there's a lot of swapping going on...I think everyone on this show has to be genetically related in SOME way at this point. And you've only heard the half of it. I don't think it's possible to write a brief synopsis. Maybe if I get really bored I'll do a flow chart of who's slept with who and what not. But for now, if I've peaked your interest, you can tune in CBS 1:30 pm eastern standard time.

OK back to World Cup for me. Brazil is up 1 - NIL.

27.6

2006-06-10T15:50:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I'll be 28 weeks. T W E N T Y E I G H T!

woohoo! I can't believe it.

I've had loads of visitors in town. I think they are literally passing each other on the highway to and from the airport. It's making the time pass quickly for sure. R has been upstate at the cabin enjoying the green leaves. I'm glad he's been taking advantage of the girlfriends in town and getting away for a little break here and there.

Today is the Puerto Rican Day parade. Even though the festivities are technically in Manhattan, my neighborhood is going nuts, it sounds as if the parade is in my living room. Don't really understand how showing national pride involves insanely loud music and the need to honk your horn non-stop. I'm actually glad that I have an excuse to stay inside on such a beautiful day. I haven't been to a window yet to really have a good look. Not sure I really want to have a visual of it all.

Watching a little World Cup and doing some knitting. Have a few girlies coming over for dinner tonight. Trying to stay busy so I don't feel sorry for myself as I'm missing my lil' cousin's wedding tonight. Sigh. The whole fam is in town and I'm sure it's going to be fun. Sigh, sigh.

Happy to say that it's drama free over here at the moment. But I suppose it does make for some lame-ass blog posting. Gotta think of a good topic for my next post. I could give a weekly synopsis of Young and the Restless or Bold and the Beautiful. But maybe that falls under the heading of "lame-ass blog posting" as well.

I'm in love.

2006-06-02T18:35:00.000-04:00

I'm in love love love with my doctor. The FAB Dr. E.
I'd feel like I was cheating a bit if R weren't in love with her too.
We're not talking ménage a tois...get your minds outta the gutter.
It's love in the purest form.

Last week at my appointment we were all bit shocked with this dodgey cervix of mine. It had shortened from 4.7 to 3.0. Dr. E said she was concerned but not worried yet. She set me up with a home monitor to see if I was having contractions that caused the drastic change. She mentioned other things we might do as well, but mainly she wanted more information. The goal was to keep me from going into pre-term labor as it's easier to stop it before it starts. Anywho, due to the holiday this week, the monitor didn't arrive until Wednesday. It was a long weekend to say the least. I'm hooked up to this twice a day for an hour. And so far it has picked up ONE contraction. phew. It has picked up lots of uterine irritability. But frankly as much as this uterus is being kicked by lil' bub, I'm shocked it's only irritated. I'd be flat out pissed!

Went back for a follow-up appointment today. NO CHANGE with this ole cervix. phew. phew. Dr. E was very very pleased. We all were. She is the best...we spent some time talking about me losing Tess & Oliver and she assured me that none of that could have been prevented. We just didn't know what we do now. She understands. Really understands. She had a late loss too. Just like me. I can tell she knows what's in my head and heart. I can feel it when she looks at me.

R and I left there feeling really good. Dare I say hopeful? We are still aiming for 28 weeks...then 32 and so on and so on. But for now 26 weeks 5 days feels pretty ok.

Day by day. Day by day.

That look.

2006-05-19T10:37:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about this post for two weeks now. I'm still not sure I can really get the words out in the right order to convey my feelings.

I was in the elevator on my way to my doctor's office. I was alone since R was parking. I'm really up on these days as it's my one outing into the vertical world...so I have a slight spring in my step and a smile on my face ear to ear. I hit the button for the 9th floor. The elevator was half full. We stopped on floor two and a woman gets on. She's in a white lab coat. She looks at my belly and I see her face drop. It's the look. At first I thought I was imagining it...but then I studied the furrowed brow and the tapping fingers and the deep breaths in and out. And well I just knew. I guess it takes an infertile to recognize another. Though in my condition I was certain she had no idea that I UNDERSTOOD what she was feeling. I wanted to grab her and tell her my story and tell her I knew that pain too.

Of course I let her get off on her floor and didn't say anything. This is New York you know. But it has stuck with me. Rolled around in my head and my heart. All these years of feeling that knife in my heart, that knot in my belly, forcing the tears to stay in my eyes until I could be alone...it never occurred to me that I could/would ever be the cause of that pain for someone else. I can't even count the times when I had that look. I'm still in a slight state of disbelief that I am pregnant and that I just might make it through this and bring home a baby in the end. Even when I have moments where I DO believe, the pain is still very close. It's not too far underneath my skin. They say that the scars will heal with time but will not ever completely go away. I believe this is so true.

I think it's so hard for people to understand this pain...unless of course you've been unfortunate enough to experience it yourself. I have read so many blogs where there are posts of despair. That dark dark hole of pain. It's overwhelming and all consuming. It takes over your life and changes who you are and how you look at the world. To someone on the outside of all this I wonder if it just sounds like bitchy bitterness. Get on with it woman. Be thankful for what you DO have. But I get it. There are times when I still feel it. It's morphed a bit with all the added trials...but it's all still tied to that feeling of being not normal. Defective. Lots of therapy has helped with these feelings, though they creep in at moments. Especially while I'm lying in this bed reading my pregnancy book about how a "normal" pregnancy progresses. Hard to see myself in any of it.

And like my girl B says....all those years growing up when we worked so damn hard to NOT BE NORMAL. Yes, come on you remember those bumper stickers that said 'WHY BE NORMAL' with the normal printed upside down.

Who knew that I would grow up and long to be just that. NORMAL.

Happy Anniversary.

2006-05-17T09:31:00.000-04:00

3 years ago today I married the man of my dreams.
My very own Prince Charming. He has bravely stepped up to every challenge that has been thrown our way. He has held me up when
I was too weak to stand. He has dried every tear with so much love
and tenderness. Best of all he has made me laugh. Deep belly laughs.
He is my love, my light, my everything.
Happy Anniversary baby. I love you.

Good Day Sunshine.

Passing the time.

2006-05-12T11:51:00.000-04:00

R came home last Friday and said, "Come on honey, we're going out on the town!" "haha." I replied flatly. He then proceeded to open the window, make a palette on the roof with blankets and pillows and got me outside! We sat out there drinking beer, mine non-alcoholic of course, damn, and watched the sun set.

Then on Saturday I was feeling a bit blue again...and R brought over the laptop with iTunes open. He had emailed tons of people, some of which he had to do some sluething to find email addresses for, and asked them to pick one song for me to listen to while in bed. I now have a very personal bed rest playlist. It was so overwhelming. The songs are all over the place and that's the best part of it. Some are hilarious and some are very fitting to my situation...'I Like Big Butts' by Sir Mix-a-Lot, Lay, Lady, Lady by Bob Dylan. Mr. Sticking point stepped up and helped R with finding some of the songs. Thanks T! Lots of tears and lots of laughs and it was just what I needed.

I think I might have the BEST husband ev-ah.

My father-in-law is sending little watercolor paintings in the mail. The first one is of their garden, no flowers yet. The caption says "Monday May 8th, The seeds are planted. Now we wait 118 days." I think R learned sweetness from the master.

So the days are ticking along...I'll be 24 weeks on Sunday.
TWENTY FOUR WEEKS!
Can't believe it really. Belly getting big, baby kicking hard.
So far all is well.

p.s. two reasons to rethink that face lift from my morning tv viewing...
Barry Manilow on the Today Show.
Kenny Rogers on Martha Stewart.

p.s.s. wtf was Kenny Rogers doing on Martha Stewart anyway?

Bed Rest. Day ???

2006-05-06T16:25:00.000-04:00

I stopped counting! Apparently I stopped posting as well.
Sorry 'bout that. Hope I didn't worry any of you.
I purposely didn't post on Bed Rest. Day E L E V E N. Only because of the lack of love I've had with that number in the last year or so...and then, well, I hit the bed rest blues. Full. On.

I am feeling better. It still sucks to be trapped in this bed. I've had a few visitors and loads of people taking care of me...R and L have been incredible. I have a few girlfriends online I've never met in the flesh that have pulled me out of it too. I guess this is just life, right? I mean up days and down days happen whether you're on strict bed rest or not. I'm trying my best to let it go and stop the bitching. Oh, but it feels so good to bitch sometimes.

The littlest visitors cheer me up the most. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the mommies too. They are my support system and my lifeline to the outside world. But there is something so magical and calming in the laugh of a little one.

G, my goddaughter, was here last weekend for a visit. After reading Angelina Ballerina three or four times she decided my jewelry was the next thing on the agenda. I don't have loads of diamonds and pearls, not my style, though I do love that song. But there is some interesting stuff in there, 'specially if you're three. We went through piece by piece and she tried it all on. There are a few things in there that are Tess & Oliver related. So we talked about them too. She talked about the star tattoos on my wrist, and which one was for Tess and which one was for Oliver. It was very sweet. G's mom is pregnant too. Just a few weeks behind me. G thought "her" baby was a girl and mine would be a boy. She said she thought Sam was the perfect name for my baby. And then she said with a sigh, "I wanted you to have TWINS." I had to have her repeat it again, because I couldn't clearly understand her. And then I did. I surprised myself that I was able to make it through the conversation without crying. But I did. We talked a little bit more and then she said, "Next time you can have twins TaTa." Gave me a kiss and went back to the jewelry. I made it thorugh...wow. It was so sweet. I wish I was a three year old some days.

ETA: G is having a lil' brother. Just found out this past week. She's o-kay with it as long as she can still name him Sally. But the bigger question is...Does that mean I'm having a girl now?

It's the little things...

2006-04-27T09:45:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling like 'how am I going to make
it through this?' I checked my calendar and saw I have
one hundred and twenty-nine days to go. Then I looked at
my blog and said, "I've only been at this bed rest for EIGHT days?!"
I am definitely going to lose. My. Mind.

Then I looked at the posts and realized that I posted TWO TIMES FOR DAY SIX! I double checked that I hadn't accidentally double posted the same post. But no! They were in fact two different posts. Cool, I just bought myself another day into the bed rest.

And that one bump, from eight to nine, made me feel better.

When what you're looking at is so daunting, it's amazing how the littlest of things can make such a huge difference.

Bed Rest. Day NINE.

2006-04-26T09:22:00.000-04:00

Today is dr. appt. day. I live for these days. Especially after the fall yesterday, I just want to know that everything is ok. Bub is a tumblin' but I want medical confirmation. Being a creative person, my imagination can be very very real. And with all the down time my imagination has lots of opportunity to come out and play, oh and to really freak me out. It's the curse of creativity.

The other upside to dr. appt. day is that I actually get out of the house! woohoo! Amongst the living! I almost feel like a normal person on these days. I get up, take a shower, get dressed in real clothes, drive into the city (though R has decided this is now over, he will now be coming home to drive me in, sigh.) With the Spring weather in full force is been such a wonderful break.

So dr. appt. was great. Doctor pleased with everything again. phew. Cervix long, closed and tight as a fist. phew. Bub just fine in there. I'm so tempted every time to say, let's just find out what this lil' bugger is...but then I also want to be surprised. It's the gemini in me wanting it both ways.

So far so good.
Back to incubating.
More tomorrow.

Bed Rest. Day EIGHT.

2006-04-25T22:35:00.000-04:00

I'm beat. Ready to hit the sack over here,
but I didn't want to lose my posting momentum.

Last night we had a small gathering for R's birthday dinner. R was surprised by the scotch on the rocks that was waiting for him in the mailbox. Wish I could could take credit for that idea but it was all M. Thankfully that little gesture made his bad day disappear before he walked in the apartment. He was happy to see everyone and the spread that L had arranged. Of course birthday hugs from the littlest guests, J, G and A put a big smile on his face. I was pushed around on the sofa lounging like a princess. All in all a very very good night.

So far no more contractions that are worth talking about. phew. Dr. appt. tomorrow. Fingers crossed that everything is still all good in the hood. I did completely bust my butt today with a nasty fall. I have no idea what happened other than the new bed we have is really high, we're talking princess and the pea high, not the low sleek platform bed I'm used to. When I got up to pee somehow my upper body thought my feet were on the floor and they weren't. I went flying across the room and landed on the corner of the coffee table. Before anyone gets the wrong idea of me flying through rooms of the house...I live in one BIG room, no walls, from the bed to the coffee table is just a stones throw. Anywho, my left arm caught the sharp corner of the table and I did a face plant on the floor. I was completely shocked. I laid there for a few minutes sort of in a mild state of panic wondering if my arm was broken and praying I didn't hurt the baby. And then the bub gave me a good kick as if to say "I'm cool Mom, you ok?" Both knees and my arm are black and blue and I survived another moment of mild drama.

Bed Rest. Day SEVEN.

2006-04-24T14:56:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to my incredible and amazing husband.

R,
You are my rock.
There are not words to describe how much love I have for you.
One day our children will look up at you and your 6'4" self
and see you as Superman.
I know I already do.
I love you,
Heather

p.s. so far NO contractions today. And for R, I'm on glass #3 of gatorade and #3 of water.

Bed Rest. Day SIX.

2006-04-23T18:02:00.001-04:00

One hundred and thirty-three days to go,
one hundred and thirty-three days...
Take one down pass it around,
one hundred and thirty-two days to go.
oh how I'd rather be passing beers!

Thankfully it's been calm and quiet around these parts today. I know I said I wasn't going to count exactly how many days I have left. But I did. So there. It's just that I found ignorance was not bliss in this case.

So hopefully yesterday was just a fluke and a reminder how important it is for me to stay in this bed. I had just been talking to my sister that this was so hard because I felt so great. But now I know why I'm here and I know where I'm trying to stay out of...PLEASE don't let me have to do a day of this bed rest in the hospital. Come on Universe, give a girl a break.

Thanks for all the love peeps. I feel it. I do.

Bed Rest. Day FIVE.

2006-04-23T10:07:00.000-04:00

I'm posting this a day late. Yesterday was not a party and it was far from uneventful.

I woke early in the a.m. with a lower back ache. Exactly the same lower back ache I had the first night in the hospital last year. You know, the one that indicated my cervix was opening. Got up to pee. No blood, no strange discharge. phew. 'Deep breath, deep breath, deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath. This is probably nothing. You're just freaking out. It could be just your imagination. It's so freaking early. Go. Back. To. Sleep. Wait, go drink some gaotrade, take half a percoset (dr. approved) and then try to relax.' I did all these things and it seemed to work. I woke up several hours later and felt fine, great really. R woke up and got busy organizing and helping fix my bed rest set up. I got busy and finished some work that I didn't get to last week. All was just a-ok.

But. In the back of mind, under all the ok feelings, there was still the chatter, the doubting Heather, and she would NOT. SHUT. UP. Deep breath. deeeeeeep breath.

R left to go to a friend's bbq birthday...not wanting to really leave me, but I insisted. So he left and then the contractions started.
The chatter was now more of a scream in my head. The deep breaths were losing their power. I kept pounding the water, pounding the gatorade. Desperately trying not to have a full blown anxiety attack. I took a hot shower. Isn't that what people do when they are in the early stages of labor? OMG. Get out of the shower. Get back off my feet. Deep breath, deeeeeeeeeep breath. Ok. Debate, do I call R and freak him the fuck out in the middle of a party? I'm positive he will tell me to call the doctor immediately. So I opt to do that first. Then it occurrs to me that she will probably want me to come to the hospital NOW. I'm over that 20 week mark where they can give me drugs to stop the contractions (if they are REALLY happening) So rather than wait, I call R on his cell. The conversation went something like this:

H: Hi.
R: Hi, you ok?
H: Yeah, but listen. Don't. Freak. Out. and PLEASE dont' make a scene there in front of all our friends...don't make a big deal...
R: WHAT'S GOING ON?
H: I'm about to call the Dr. E. I think she will probably say to come in to the hospital and I want you here when she calls back. Please drive slowly, it's raining, be careful. This is probably nothing, I'm sure I'm just imagining. But I'm calling Dr. E now.
R: WHAT'S GOING ON? I'm coming home.
H: OK. Please be careful.

(I now realize how ridiculous my request was to "calmly say good-bye and leave the party to get home NOW without looking freaked out or freaking anyone else out" Calmly? Yeah, uh, right.)

I called the doctor's answering service. The conversations goes like this.

H: I'm a patient of Dr. E. Hoping she can call me back.
AS: (after getting my name and number) Is this your first pregnancy? What's the problem?
H: uh, erm, no. I'm having contractions.
AS: How many weeks?
H: Almost 21.
AS: AND YOU'RE IN LABOR?!
H: I hope not.
AS: Paging the doctor now.

R comes home. He is numb and has a look of fear in his eyes. I'm sure me lying in bed crying didn't help calm him. I tried to dry up my tears and make small talk...and he tried to figure out if I was really having contractions.

So Dr. W calls back. Of course the one doctor in the practice I have not met yet. sigh. I have to retell the whole story of losing T&O. The cerclage with this pregnancy blah blah blah. She says to write down or keep track of when I'm having contractions. If it's more than four an hour. Call her back. She'll want me to come in.

The first nine mintues after hanging up. I have three contractions. Lower back starts hurting again. This is not happening. Deep breath. Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath. 22 minutes of nothing. And then they start up again. Five more in the next 25 minutes. OMG. This is NOT happening.

Call the doctor back. She returns the call within 10 mintues. "Meet me at the hospital. In Labor and delivery." ugh. Labor and delivery. ugh.

R and I both are having the worst case of deja vu. Waiting in triage for a nurse. I realize it's the same nurse from last year. This is not happening. Thankfully, before the nurse takes me back, my doctor arrives. THIS was not what happened last year. Ok Things are a little different. She was so amazing and did her best to calm us both. Thank god we changed to this practice. She even told me that the anxiety I was feeling was completely normal and not to worry that I called her in on a rainy Saturday night. That was her job and of course I did the right thing.

The hooked me up to a monitor and they got the sono machine out and ready to check both the baby and my cervix. I knew the bub was fine, he had been tumbling this whole time. Of course the contractions had almost completely stopped. I was starting to feel like Chicken Little. But was hoping that was the worst that would come out this.

Dr. W checked my cervix. No blood, long and closed, stitch looks good. Visually it was perfect. phew.
Bub checked out just fine. Heartbeat looks fine, he's movin' and shakin' in there. phew. phew.
Out comes my bestest friend the dildo cam. Cervix still measuring the same as last Thursday. NO funnelling. phew. phew. phew.

The monitor is picking up what the doctor called "uterine irratibility" She said this could just be my baseline and be completely normal for me. She wasn't sure what the back pain meant, it could be a number of things. But some people do experience back labor. I never had a contraction in the hospital like I was having at home. She said some people have a "witching hour" where they seem to contract more than any other time of day. Maybe this was mine. The good news is that they don't seem to be changing my cervix at all. phew. pheeeeeeeeew.

She said we were good for now. My next goal should be getting to 28 weeks. Then 32, then 34. She is sure that "You won't feel comfortable until you have a baby in your hands" Wow. She gets it! phew. But she felt that everything seems to be so far so good. Wants me to call Dr. E on Monday and assumes I will be checked weekly again. Which is just fine with me. I wasn't sure I could go two weeks anyway.

So back home. Back in bed. Gatorade & H2O being pumped full force. R and H feeling a little better. Back to deep breaths. So thankful we are with this new practice. That they never make me feel like I'm some neurotic pregnant woman. That they are taking this pregnancy very seriosuly and not leaving any room for chance.

Day by day. Day by day.

Bed Rest. Day FOUR.

2006-04-21T10:31:00.000-04:00

Today I felt pretty ok with this bed rest thang. The lovely L came over with her son JJ. L cooked me lunch while JJ and I read 101 Dalmations and discussed Clifford the Big Red Dog. JJ has lots of imaginary friends these days. L says they all conveniently come around when JJ doesn't want to do something. "Clifford doesn't want to brush his teeth right now, so I'll wait too." I think it's so incredible how a 3yr old's mind works. This little boy has been such a joy to watch grow up. He is the sweetest little montser ever. He melts my heart every time he give me a grin or a cuddle.

Ok, four days down...I haven't exactly figured out how many days this will last. I suppose I could get out a calendar and count days. Maybe at some point I will. But right now I think I'll just be a little ignorant and hopefully will be surprised when I realize that I only have 55 days left.

Bed Rest. Day THREE.

2006-04-20T20:14:00.000-04:00

Day three sucked waaaaaaaay less than one and two. Probably had to do with the fact that I actually had to get out of bed today for a Dr. appt. I got to feel the sunshine on my face instead of just seeing it through the window. That felt like a luxury. Dr. is VERY pleased with this cervix of mine. Apparently it's not showing off it's incompetence. I guess that stitch has taught it a little something about responsibility. Thankfully, so far, it's holding up it's end of the bargain. Phew.

Bed Rest. Day TWO.

2006-04-19T17:51:00.000-04:00

Better...but far from a party over here.

Doctor appointment tomorrow. Hoping and praying this little bub is still safe and sound and the cerclage is still holding my cervix firm and closed. The lil' dude has been kicking up a storm today. I'd swear he's doing back flips in there. And no, I don't know if it's a HE or SHE. But rather than call this little miracle IT, he, lil' dude or bub will have to do.

Bed Rest. Day ONE.

2006-04-18T19:13:00.000-04:00

"I didn't think it was humanly possible, but this both sucks AND blows."
-Bart Simpson

April 12

2006-04-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

Tess and Oliver,
Today we are holding you in a peaceful place in our hearts.
We love you and will miss you always.
Mom and Dad

Tic Toc.

2006-03-31T14:21:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have tics in my head. The time left in the vertical world is rapidly passing. I'm feeling just a bit anxious about this bed rest. R and I have begun the apartment modifications necessary...but it's still not giving me a peaceful feeling. I keep waking in the night with too many tears to count. Dreams of my babies filling my head. Both good and bad dreams. I know this is just a clear sign of the anxiety I feel when I am awake but it always throws me. I know it must throw R to be woken up in the darkness to the sound of sobs. I live for these doctor appointments but can barely breathe until I hear the words "Everything looks great." That holds me over for mere hours before the tics start up again. I'll be 18 weeks on Sunday. Last year all hell broke loose at 19 weeks. How the hell will I make it through the next two weeks? What the hell was I thinking when we did ivf #3 in December? I'm just three days off where I was last year. I feel like a walking time bomb. At any moment things could just explode again.

I guess I'm just desperately wanting to feel sure. And for all logical reasons I cannot allow myself to feel sure about anything when it comes to my body. This is such a tough moment in my life. So many anniversaries or milestones hitting me all at once. 4 years trying to have a baby, 1 year since losing Tess & Oliver, making it to 20 weeks in this pregnancy. It all feels like so much. I'm exhausted by trying to look at things and turn them into a positive. It feels unreal, fake. Underneath all the "I'm going to enjoy the five months in bed. When will I ever have this much time to myself EVER again?" I could give you a long list of these thoughts...but underneath it all it's not how I truly feel. Underneath it all I am terrified. I just want to feel sure. I want to read ahead to the last chapter of this book and KNOW that everything will be fine. I want to believe that there will be a happy ending but right now I just can't. And dammit it fucking hurts.

4.5 weeks.

2006-03-15T05:01:00.000-05:00

That's 4.5 weeks left in the vertical world. At 20 weeks I will become part of the horizontal world. Strict bed rest. Only up to pee and shower. I bet I notice things about this apartment I never noticed before.

I wish I could figure out how to post a damn picture...I have to work on that. Once I figure it out how, I'll post where I've been hiding lately. It's pure paradise and it's killing me that for 20 long weeks I will not be able to go there.

I promised you guys the plan so here it is:
• Cerclage placed at 14 weeks. This all went smoothly. A little intense being in an operating room WIDE AWAKE, but all in all it was fine. The spinal wasn't so bad either. I guess nothing will compare to the spinal/epidural nightmare when I delivered T&O. I'm sure that won't happen again. My new doc is incredible...a real mama bear in that hospital. I'm glad she's on my side.
• TEN 10oz glasses of water a day plus Gatorade. Trust me, it's a lot.
• Dr. visits weekly from 14-? weeks. We're playing this one week by week. That ole lazy cervix of mine will not have much time to sleep on the job.
• Work from home starting at 14 weeks.
• Bed rest starting at 20 weeks. That means me horizontal, flat, in bed for 20 weeks/140 days/5 months. However you add it up, it seems like forever. Haven't fully processed this as of yet. But I am starting to think of apt. modifications that will help me from going crazy or having to get up more than absolutely necessary.

***GOAL***
One beautiful big fat bouncing baby. Alive and kicking. Born at 40 weeks. Sept 3.
***GOAL with extra points***
Same as above with no stay in the hospital, a quick, easy, complication-free delivery and both MaMa and baby home with Daddy within 48 hours.

MIA.

2006-02-19T21:31:00.000-05:00

Just checking in to say I'm still here, still pregnant, and FINALLY starting to feel like a person again. For the last six weeks I've felt like a moaning pile of blub. This was the worst possible time for work to turn into a beast, but it did. No mercy for the pregnant chick.

At the end of this month I will have more time to post. Right now it's been late nights, like today for instance, yeah, I know it's Sunday before a holiday for MOST people, but, sigh, not me.

I will be back...to fill you in on the plan for the next 28 weeks. It is going to require lots and lots of time flat on my back...as in 20 weeks of time. During which you'll be sick of me you will hear from me so much.

One.

2006-01-15T20:52:00.000-05:00

Friday the 13th. Early morning appointment with my friend the dildo cam. I could barely breathe. R and I both could hardly make ourselves look at the screen. I said I wouldn't, but then found my eyes frozen to the screen.

"One." the doctor said. "It's one."
"Well, hold on, let me look around just to be sure."
"Yes, it's one."

My eyes filled with tears, so many in fact I could no longer see the screen. I felt so torn with all the emotions. I felt my chest get tight. At the same time I had no problems breathing.

"See, here is the sac, this is the baby and that, that right there...that tiny flicker, that is a strong heartbeat." Then she turned on the sound and we heard a little freight train of a heartbeat.
"Of course with your history Heather, one is exactly what we were hoping for. This is the best possible result."

I agree with every word the doctor said. BUT. I just wish I didn't have a "history" In that second sitting on that table, I wanted to hear TWO heartbeats. Not of new babies but of Tess and Oliver. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again.

I so desperately want to be excited about this new pregnancy, about the hope I have to become a mother. To hold a healthy baby in my arms. I think it is really just hitting me that I truly have to let Tess & Oliver go. And that feels so hard. Impossible.

I know in my heart my babies will always be with me. They will always be my first born. And I am going to be able to be happy and excited about this incredible miracle growing inside of me. It's time for new beginnings. It's time to truly move forward and stop looking back. It doesn't mean that I will forget Tess & Oliver, that would be impossible. But I can and will look forward. To a very happy future.

Numbers.

2006-01-03T19:27:00.000-05:00

Well the 2nd beta is in and so far so good. The nurse said it was above 5,000 today. I keep having to remind myself that this is two days later than last year's numbers. My second beta with T&O was just a bit over 4,000.

We have an ultrasound scheduled for, can ya guess? Friday the 13th. I bet you thought I was going to say the eleventh, huh? Not sure if Friday the 13th is much better. But I'll take anything over the 11th.

I'm still pretty scared this is going to be twins again. It all feels a bit dejavuish. Except this time I'm not a naive pregnant chick that thinks once you're out of the first tri it's all smooth sailin'.

Day by day and deep breaths.

You down with BFP? Yeah you know me.

2005-12-27T23:35:00.000-05:00

The fastest ever beta results came in at 10:22 a.m. R and I had decided that we would wait until tonight so we could listen to the message together. In the end we met in Central Park at 12:30. I could not stand it any longer. We listened to the message and both burst into tears. We were a tourist attraction. It was neat.

ok. wow. I'm pregnant. Beta # was 522 at 11dp5dt. With Tess and Oliver my beta was 322 at 11d3dt. The number isn't as high, as it's technically two days later, but it is strong and solid. I'll take it. Next week, same bat time same bat channel, will be beta #2 and we're hoping for good doubling numbers every 48 hours til then.

Honestly I woke up this morning and felt so blah. I hadn't gotten up to pee in the night and I, of course, read way too much into that. I considered stopping in Karabela's for a little roach love before heading to the clinic.

The nurse took my blood and then I asked about the cryo report. No one had called to tell me how many embies made it to freezing. "None." she said with what seemed like a smile. I barely made it out of there before falling to pieces. I walked to work and cried the whole 30+ blocks. Poor R was blindsided by a blubbering wife on a cell phone. But he talked me off the ledge like he always does, bless that man of mine.

Rolyn kept reminding me all day the forecast on NPR for today was "Cloudy in the morning with Sunshine in the afternoon." Dammit if he wasn't right. :)

Deep breaths and little steps. It's a long way to forty weeks...but we're hoping to make it there day by day.

***11dp5dt + 11 days past a 5 day transfer (ivf#3)
***11dp3dt + 11 days past a 3 day transfer (ivf#1)

B Day...One More Sleep.

2005-12-26T22:55:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow morning is THE beta. My stomach is in knots. I have no idea how to feel. Being hopeful scares me and being negative or shut down scares me. I'm going back to that numb feeling that is sadly so familiar. It's comforting not feeling.

If it's a BFN (Big Fat Negative) I imagine I will not be surprised. It will be devastating and sad but nothing will ever compare to the sadness I felt when I said goodbye to my babies. So like the BFP that turned into a BFN in August I figure I will move on quickly...it will suck though don't get me wrong here...it WILL SUCK.

If it's a BFP (Big Fat Positive) I imagine I will feel happy, terrified, followed by shock and then back to numbness. It will be a long road ahead. I haven't put too much real sincere thought into a positive. I've just been kind of floating along on the river DeNile. Can you believe they serve NO ALCOHOL on this cruise. The bastards.

I have loads of people feeling hopeful and excited for me, so thankful for each and every one of them...but I think I'll have one more night of denial. I'll let everyone else have the feelings. Reality will come soon enough.

Fertile Signs.

2005-12-23T10:36:00.000-05:00

Morning of the transfer we walked to the clinic. We stayed at the lovely Chateau de M&L in case the transit workers went on strike. Which ended up not happening (at least on the 16th) but we were glad we stayed in the city in the end. We were totally pampered and well fed...plus what better way to wake up than having a smiling 3 year old with dinosaurs in tow standing at the edge of your bed. Perfect.

It was a beautiful morning so we decided to walk the 27 blocks to NYU. You know, get my chi flowin' and shit. We were a bit early so we stopped a the deli/restaurant to grab a bite to eat. Can you believe I wasn't so nervous that I could actually EAT? After the OJ and croissant we got up to leave. As I went to grab my coat I noticed a teeny cockroach on MY coat. "YIKES!" I screamed. R quickly "got rid of" the roach and then we laughed. Hard.

On our way into NYU
R said, "You know I think it's a good sign"
I replied, "Roaches are really fertile."
R said, "And it picked your coat to crawl on."

And then we laughed. Hard.

Six more sleeps.

2005-12-21T09:58:00.000-05:00

Six more sleeps until I go in for the beta. (for all you non-infertility types the beta is a blood test that measures the HCG levels in your system. They can tell at that point if you're pregnant or kinda pregnant. Much more accurate than a pee stick)
R and I have already decided that I will not POAS before the beta. (POAS= pee on a stick) In August after the frozen transfer I PeedOAS and we got really hopeful and then my beta #s were very low and then I lost that pregnancy...it was just too much. So we've decided to wait, uh, yeah I think, we've decided to wait until the beta. On 12/27. sigh.

Back to the real story here...on the 16th we transferred two beautiful blastocysts. (5 day old embryos) The doctor said they were beauties. They were both graded 4 bc. 4 being really good as the grading is 1-6, six is the best. The doctor said no one EVER gets a 6. Kind of like no one ever gets an excellent on their preformance review at work. She also said it's very rare to get a 5. 4 is good. Really good. The bc part is like in school A is the best etc. etc. Once I heard my embies were rated bc I knew they were mine. Had to be. I didn't even need them to confirm my social security number and the spelling of my name before they transferred them. I knew they were mine. They are just like R and I were in school. They grew to a grade 4bc and said "Eh, that'll do."

My mother being my mother said, "Well it's not that they weren't capable of being 6a's."

Right Mom, you are so right.

Did you hear that?

2005-12-14T20:49:00.000-05:00

It went ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom.

It woke me up in the middle of the night. It didn't take me long to realize it wasn't an explosion like I first thought, it was my heart beating wildly in my chest. I don't think I had been completely sound asleep. But man I was AWAKE now. My mind was racing. The "doesn'ts" had come to visit and they were not leaving.

What if this cycle doesn't work?
What if the mta doesn't come to an agreement and there is a transit strike ON THE DAY OF MY TRANSFER?

What if this cycle doesn't work?
What if the mta doesn't come to an agreement and there is a transit strike ON THE DAY OF MY TRANSFER?

What if this cycle doesn't work?
What if the mta doesn't come to an agreement and there is a transit strike ON THE DAY OF MY TRANSFER?

This went on and on and on and on until (almost) the break of dawn.
I tried to breathe deeply, which worked for a millisecond. I tried my meditation CD...and ended up cracking myself up with the snarky thoughts that popped into my brain. No, I won't release that distracting thought and let it float away "like leaves on a stream"

And then the S N O R I N G started. I ever so gently touched R's arm. I mean I barely touched him and he stopped. "That was easy" I thought, until it started up again. I touched his arm gently and once again he stopped immediately. This went back and forth for at least an hour. To the point where I was starting to think R was just fucking with me. It made me mad and it made me laugh.

Somewhere in there I got 15 minutes more of sleep before my alarm went off.

When I got out of bed, thankfully the doesn'ts had gone away.

Eight is GREAT!

2005-12-12T15:32:00.000-05:00

Eight embryos growing in a dish...one more could make it.
We'll see what happens today. Nine would be FINE!
If not Eight is still GREAT. I think. Right? Yes, it's GREAT. It is.
I'm so relieved it wasn't Eleven. That would have freaked me out. Completely.

Transfer is set for Friday 12/16.

I'm a nervous wreck...but hanging in there. Being hopeful is so darn scary.

15

2005-12-11T14:04:00.000-05:00

They got 15 eggs this morning. I was surprised. Even though I felt like I had at least 45 water balloons in there when I woke up today I was still surprised. Hopefully at least half of those eggs were mature and fertilized. We'll know tomorrow when they call with the fert report. I'm a bit crampy and slightly groggy from that sweet sweet amazing sleep. Other than that feeling pretty good.

I was anxious and teary going in...don't remember that at last year's ER.The doc that did the retrieval was great, as was the anesthesiologist. Dr. Sleep asked about my "cute little star tattoos" and I was so nervous I just blurted out that they were for Tess and Oliver, my babies that were born too soon. And then the tears started rolling. He was so sweet he rubbed my forehead and said "THIS time it's all gonna be ok." The nurse patted my legs and Dr. Egg Catcher said, "Don't worry we're going to take good care of you." And then... I. Was. Out. ahhhhhhhhhhh. Now if they could only invent some type of drug that could make me sleep until the beta. I'd pay boocoos of cash for that pill.

My beta was scheduled for December 25th! Unfortunately/Fortunately they are closed on Christmas Day. AND the day after. Sigh. Looks like we have to wait until the 27th. After what happened with the FET I'm gonna try my damndest NOT to poas (pee on a stick, for those of you not up on the lingo.)

We'll see if I can hold out. I'm not so big on surprises.

Stay tuned.

The number 11 is stalking me.

2005-12-09T19:14:00.000-05:00

Ok I know you think it's all in my head. But really it's stalking me. I cannot get away. No matter how carefully I plan...it finds me, it knows where I hide. I'm the girl in the B horror flick that is running at top speed and the number eleven is walking and yet it STILL catches me.

The party in my ovaries will get shut down on Sunday. Look at your calendar. Yes, that's right, Sunday the e l e v e n t h. I got the inside scoop from my doctor today. SuNday SuNday SuNday, it's not going to be a moNster truck rally it's an egg retrieval rally. I really thought it'd be Tuesday or Wednesday...only eight days of stims for me!?! wow. weird. I'm not complaining as I guess that's a few less days of Menapur. yippee.

IVF#1 we got 12 eggs, all mature, all fertilized. From the DC action report this morning it doesn't sound like we'll be so plentiful this time...but hey, I only need one sticky one, right?

Come on eggs don't stop now.

2005-12-07T21:58:00.000-05:00

I'm still here stimming along. R is tending to the needles. Doing a great job as always. I'm still hating the Menapur. Stings like a mofo. The dildo cam has found loads of action the past two days. A BIG party going on in there. I'm holding my breath and holding on to hope the Antagon I shot myself up with in my office this a.m. does not shut down the party. I'm also hoping that this doesn't happen. That would suck. Right now I feel like I have a belly full of seaweed. Walking is getting slightly painful. Emotions are running a tad high. I think I cried 10 times today. Not sure what the difference is this cycle but I've been such a puss.

I've been knitting like a mad woman since Thanksgiving. It's been great. I had the best laugh I've had in a looooong time when someone sent me this link. Proves you can knit anything. Not sure what my Grandmother would think of this. R immediately said "You may NOT knit that. Period." haha. Period. funny. No I seriosuly think that is funny. No sarcasim there. Really. I mean it. The more I go on, the less you believe me, huh? But I do think it's funny.

Back to the knitting and Grandmama. I have a hand written pattern for her baby booties. The ones she made for both me and my sister. It's a little like a recipe handed down for generations. With detailed info like... use size 2, 3, or 4 sized needles. Knit along for 15-18 rows or so. Things that could drive a person new to knitting to drink. A lot. There's also the tie that I'm supposed to put pom-poms on the ends of...this sounds adorable and like a death trap all rolled into one. The pattern was written before kids wore seatbelts or had car seats. Come to think of it, in 1969 where did moms put their babies while they were driving? Did they just never leave the house alone with a baby? Anywho, I've decided NO POM-POMS. Not going to be handing out choking devices as gifts. Nope not me. Maybe once everyone starts on the next round of babies I can knit booties instead of making TaTa blankets. I finished my first booty tonight. I need to adjust the pattern a bit, figure out when to stop at 15 and and when to go to 18. The first one looks like it was made for the baby of a basketball player. It's really looooooooooong. But it's still pretty freakin' cute.

Off to bed. A girl's gotta get her beauty rest.
Especailly one that has a hot date with a DC at 7 a.m.

ivf #3. Ready. Steady. Go.

2005-12-01T20:02:00.000-05:00

2.5 hours and counting until the injections begin.

Bloodwork and my date with the dildo cam this morning went smooth as silk...ewww. Did I just type that? I feel like I have to leave it now cuz' it's kind of hilarious that just came out of my mouth/head whateva. But ewww.

I feel scared, well, sorta. And I feel hopeful really. Really hopeful. I just figure of course this will work. I have decided to think this way. "And if it doesn't?" you ask. Well, if it doesn't then we will deal with that when it doesn't. One thing I know for sure is it doesn't help me to think about the doesn'ts. Yes, they are there...floating around somewhere in the back of my head. I'm just choosing not to feed them at the moment.

I'd say hold on for the ride people, but it's much more fun to go "no hands"

Welcome to the land of ahhhhhhhhhhs.

2005-11-28T23:09:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, hey, better late than never.

So here's the skinny on life with TaTa. It's been biz-E.

Weekend before Turkey Day, went to Tejas to visit the family and friends. Got to celebrate a birthday with dear T. Got to meet little E. Sweet beautiful baby boy. Looks like his Daddy just spit him out. Which translates to: he looks just like his father. His mother is my dear friend S. Our babies were due just weeks apart. She has been an amazing friend through my loss and I know it's been hard on her as her belly grew and she went on to have E. While it's been hard on me too...it's also been ok. Holding him and loving him was a mix of emotion but I have to say it wasn't as painful as I thought it might be. I held it together and honestly it was just a big love fest and I could hardly put him down. I think my family going nuts over him was a little harder to take. I didn't blame them, as he is too cute NOT to be gaga over. But it was tough...this was the week R & I planned on bringing our babies home to meet everyone. So it's hard to not think of the could haves and should haves. I try to keep those thoughts in check as it is not fair to me, to R and even to Tess and Oliver. They aren't here. They won't ever be. I have to let them go to be the perfect little ones they were for the moment they were here.

We also spent time with my nieces the three M's...two K's have been added to the estrogen in my sister's house. FIVE girls. From 7-12. All stunningly beautiful and funny. I can sum it up in one word. Trouble. Thankfully that will be my sister's trouble. I get to spoil them and send them home! The ahhhhhhs of being TaTa.

Thanksgiving at "Inspiration Peaks" in the Catskills.
whoa. I laughed that our holiday house had a name. Until I got there. I still laughed but it was inspiring 4 sho. Beautiful views of the Ashokan Reservoir. AND there was snow. Lots of it. EVERYWHERE. A flippin' winter wonderland. R and I drove up with Miss S. M&L and lil'JJ were there when we arrived. (NO traffic, btw. ahhhhhh.) We spent the weekend eating, drinking, hot tubbing and sledding...or sledging as our lovely English friends call it. Sledging! Sledding! ahhhhhh. Hot Tubbing while it snows! ahhhhhh. Eating good food with good friends! ahhhhhh. Drinking with good friends! ahhhhhh. 1000 piece puzzle that gets finished in a weekend and We. Had. Every. Piece. ahhhhhh.

The day we left Inspiration Point I moaned to lil'JJ, "What am I going to do when I wake up tomorrow and you're not there?" Without missing a beat he replied, "TaTa I will come to Brook-a-lyn and play at your house and you can come to New York and play at my house." Such an easy fix. If only we could all think like a 3 year old. ahhhhhh. No doubt.

No traffic coming home on SUNDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING!!!???!!! Not sure where all the New Yokers were exactly. I can't say that I cared. ahhhhhh.

Disclaimers.

2005-11-22T20:48:00.000-05:00

For my HUGE audience of readers:
(hopefully my sarcasim has not offended my actual readers, as I love each and every two of you, shit there's that sarcasim again, seriously I do love ALL of you.)

ok now for the real stuff.

Disclaimer ONE: I was thinking about my blog this past weekend when I was in Dallas. I passed a billboard with completely offensive letter spacing. It hit me that being a graphic designer, I'm probably the minority in being offended by letters on a billboard. Not the words, but the s pa ci n g. Suddenly I was aware that I'm writing a blog. I am not a writer. I can't spell. I hate, for some unexplainable reason, to use spell check. I am constantly transposing letters. I worried my words, spelling, punctuation, or simple lack of grasp of the laws of the English language could possibly be offending some of you. (see right there I used 'of' waaaay too many times.) For that, not the 'ofs' but the stuff before, I am truly sorry. Really. I try, I do.

Disclaimer TWO: If you have recieved a TaTa blanket or if you do in the future, know this...I love love love making them. I love love love giving them even more. Yes, sometimes it's hard as I have wanted to sew MY babies blankets for so long...BUT I started sewing them out of love and I will continue. PLEASE don't feel guilty if your baby has one. Loads of love went into every stitch.

All the other disclaimers have evaporated from my brain thanks to the second glass of wine...shit. I know I should have listened to davispigeon's suggestion about typing posts up in Word to post later. argh.

Oh well, those are two pretty big ones. The second one is one I think of often. I've lost one friend because of my journey to have a baby. It's hard because I know I'm not the only one that has lost a friend because of infertility. I read your blogs, I know...but man it sucks. Really bad.

Stay tuned my gorgeous readers.
IVF #3 starts December 1.